Chapter Five: A Tangled Web

                                    

                                          
I sit on my bed, tousling my red hair between my fingers. I gulp at the reflection in the mirror, I feel guilty, it has seeped into my stomach and poisoned the lining leaving me pained and uncomfortable. 
Ben left here this morning after dropping off my birthday gift, a beautiful hard back copy of my favourite poetry book which was terribly thoughtful. He promised tonight to give me my second gift, of which he hoped I would be inclined to accept. Thoughts swirled in my mind, a flurry of worry followed by a hurricane of doubts and regrets that pelted me, stinging every inch, leaving no doubt of my guilt of this whole charade. 
Ben was in love with me, and I still didn't feel it. I wished and wished that I did feel something, something more than warm and loving, to feel passion, wanting, but what I did feel, was it love and affection bestowed to family?, or was this love and affection towards a person you were in love with...? 
Truth was, I had nothing to compare falling in love too. The thought brought tears brimming upon my eyelashes, threatening to fall. I had kept myself so apart from the dating world, hidden that part of myself, and offered not a thought to it, to anyone. My teenage years were all spent with Willa, and with thoughts of Willa came tears falling, dripping from my chin,  because she still didn't know the whole truth of Ben and I, that he had made himself clear to me, that he loved me. I knew where this was going, oh I knew, but the only thing that kept my course on track... was that if I was to have to marry... then wasn't into Willa's family my best and most obvious choice?! 
I could most definitely love Ben. I was sure with time, that I would fall for him. The saddest part of it all, was that I was clinging onto Willa so hard that it hurt, she had picked to go to Michigan, and it was far, much too far for a weekend visit or a trip of ease. I wouldn't see Willa much at all, and my god I was free-falling, a ridiculous reaction I knew, but she had been by my side since forever, what was life like without her?! If I married Ben I would spend every holiday with her, all of our lives would be shared and entwined, our children would be cousins, our family would be eternal...another reason to let Ben take it, my heart, like it was an offering to the devil, take my heart but let me have Willa, please let me keep her...
"Alberta" my mama called across the landing from her bedroom, where she was dressing my squirming two year old brother Hyrum into a little suit for my party. 
I heard his squeals, as my mama tried to push his arms into the shirt. I wiped my eyes, dabbing my cheeks with a tissue and composing myself. I walked across the hall to the open door of my mamas room, and let out a small laugh at Hyrum, one arm in a shirt, an adorable shirt that looked fitting for a doll, his face red with frustration to be placed in anything other than a diaper. 
Hyrum was a little nudest, constantly removing his clothing and streaking across church on Sundays to my mamas horror. It was an age thing, but it did make my mama hold in a hundred curses she didn't see fit to release in front of others. 
"Help me Alberta" my mama begged.
 I walked over and took Hyrums flailing arm, bending it and pushing it into the arm hole as my mama pulled the navy pant legs up and over his diaper. "There" my mama said falling back onto the bed in a heap of frazzled mess. "I swear Alberta he's part octopus. I never got a sweat on whilst dressing you girls, or Abraham. Hyrum was sent to teach me patience, that's for sure" she said letting the air out of her lungs. She had one hand on her stomach as she lay and catch her breath, composing herself. 
"Mama you look beautiful" I compliment.
I lift Hyrum up into my arms, running my fingers through his red hair, it was thick and full. I swept it neatly to one side. 
"Do you think" she asks, sitting up on the edge of the bed and looking into her mirror. 
How my Mama didn't see it, her beauty, I would never know. She had her red hair braided in a curled Plait that wound around, a red swirl of glossy interwoven hair that looked perfectly placed.