15

                                    

                                          
15
The meal continued in a blur for River. Her mind a whirl, she engaged in small talk with Celeste but zoned out several times causing Celeste to inquire whether River was feeling alright. With many variations of insisting she felt fine, the meal ended with Celeste accompanying River back to her room, a look of concern on her face.
River spent a disturbed night in the cloying embrace of the soft bed and awoke feeling more tired than when she had fallen asleep. Still in a daze, she met up with Celeste and set off for the nearest tea farm, almost an hour's drive away, which passed almost in silence. River tried to avoid Celeste's furrow-browed glances and questions as best she could.
The tour of the farm, McInnerny's Estate, passed by without River paying much attention. She could not stop thinking about the bombshell that Celeste had dropped the night before. The first day out had seemed like a fun excursion. A chance to get to know Celeste better, but she had learned nothing about the woman except that she liked old Rock music.
When Celeste had suggested this second trip, River had panicked and agreed, despite knowing that the two had little in common. Most importantly, River had not found any evidence that Celeste saw River as anything but a heterosexual companion. It felt dishonest to continue to see Celeste when River saw her as something more than that.
River wanted to date Celeste, but if the feelings were not reciprocated, there seemed little point in continuing. True, River had not found it within herself to tell Celeste of her feelings, and that was River's fault, but neither had Celeste shown any inclination to be anything but a travelling companion. They talked about little of consequence. The small talk, at dinner, seemed the only kind of conversation they could make.
Once the tour had ended, carried out by a jovial Scottish man who seemed to find the entire tour an excuse for practicing a stilted stand-up routine, River found herself in the Estate shop, wondering which bags of tea to buy to justify coming on the trip in the first place. It proved more difficult than it should.
"There doesn't seem as much variety as the one in Truro." Picking up one brown paper packed kilogram of tea, Celeste turned it over in her hands, reading the blurb on the package. "It tasted nice, though. A little more bitter, don't you think?"
"It's the difference in climate. It's always about the differences." Almost mumbling, River couldn't think which of the four varieties she should buy. "Take something out of it's normal environment and it has to adapt to different circumstances. It might not feel at home in that new environment. Might feel out of place. And then other factors come in and it doesn't know whether it's in the right place, or next to something that's probably incompatible with it."
"Are you sure you're alright?" Putting the package back upon the shelf, Celeste stepped in front of River, trying to catch her eye. "You've been acting strange since last night. If you're not feeling well, we can head back at any time."
"I'm fine." Since the night before, River had shown little of her normal way of speaking. She had erred on the side of brevity for almost every conversation.
"Clearly you're not." Celeste reached for River's arm, but River flinched away. "I'm used to you talking so much, this whole new quiet you is worrying me."
River couldn't think of anything to say. She couldn't look Celeste in the eyes, couldn't bear to feel Celeste's touch. Not because she didn't want Celeste to touch her, but because she desperately wanted Celeste to touch her far more than she had, and far more than that. She grabbed a bag of each of the four tea varieties, turned and headed to the shop counter.
Paying with her debit card, she grabbed the bagged packages and almost ran through the doors, out into the brisk Scottish air. She felt it far too stifling inside the shop, especially with Celeste standing too close, touching her every five seconds, talking to her about nothing and nonsense. Speaking so many words but saying nothing of consequence. River couldn't take it any longer. If only Celeste could say something. Something solid and real. If only River could express her feelings in a way that wouldn't anger Celeste.
Reaching Celeste's car, arms clutching the bag holding the four packages of tea to her chest, she stood, staring at the passenger side door, awaiting for Celeste to open it. Except, when Celeste reached the car, she didn't unlock the doors. Instead, she stood at the opposite side, leaning upon the roof, fidgeting with the keys and staring at River.
"We should get back." River knew the door was still locked, but she tugged at the handle anyway.
"Not until you tell me what's wrong." The look upon Celeste's face was as intense a look as River had seen. She imagined people in boardrooms caving in upon seeing that look. "Is it me? Have I said something wrong? Have I done something wrong? I know I talk a lot about the business side of these farms, but it wasn't as though you were asking your own questions."
"No. No. No! It's not ... no, you haven't done anything." River could feel her frustrations boiling up inside. If Celeste didn't open the car soon, River could see her self saying something she shouldn't. "You haven't said anything wrong. You haven't said ... you just ... it's fine. I'm fine. Can we get back to the hotel, please?"
The click of the car doors unlocking almost made River jump. She juggled with the bag in her arms and opened her door, dropping into the seat, closing the door and fastening her seat belt before Celeste had even opened her door. Soon, though, Celeste sat in the car beside River and she could feel Celeste's eyes upon her.
"Right. No-one can hear. It's just you and me. Tell me what's wrong." Jangling the keys in her fingers, Celeste made a point of putting them into her pants pocket and then crossed her arms. "We're not going anywhere until you start talking."
Everything outside the car suddenly became the most fascinating things in the world. River did not perform well under scrutiny. Nor did she have much positive experience with tense situations. If she couldn't talk her way out of problematic discussions, then she had little else in her arsenal with which to fight. She felt pressured and out of her depth.
But Celeste would not relent. River could feel those beautiful eyes staring at her, saying nothing, waiting for River to break and spill her thoughts out. River had the terrible feeling that, no matter how long she kept silent, Celeste could stay silent for far longer. A war of silence that River had no confidence that she could win.
"You see, you say 'talk' as though that's what we've done, yeah, and we've not really, have we? We've not talked. Not at all. We've sat here, in a car, for hours and hours and bloody hours and loads of words have come out of our mouths but we haven't, you know, talked." Once the words started, she found great difficulty in stopping them. Even more than usual. "I mean, like, who are you? What do you like? Apart from old Rock music, before you say it! What is it that you actually do for a living? Why have you taken it upon yourself to go on these trips to tea estates? I have an excuse, I love tea and own a teashop. What do you get out of it?"
"Well, I ..." Shifting in her seat to face River, Celeste began, but never got the opportunity to finish.
"And me! Do you know I'm a lesbian? Has that even occurred to you? Is it not absolutely bloody obvious that I'm attracted to you?" River felt the need to throw something in anger, but settled for dropping the bag of teas onto her lap in an aggressive manner. "I mean, even without that little nugget of information, how can we even think of ourselves as friends when we know nothing about each other. I have an excuse, I'm paralysed with crippling anxiety when it comes to attractive women. What's your excuse for not trying to ask questions of me?"
She had far more to say, but found herself out of breath. Beside her, Celeste didn't even stir and River could feel herself see-sawing between freezing tingles causing her skin to raise into goose bumps and hot flashes of pure embarrassment. She could not have found a worse place to explode. Given half a chance, she probably could, but the wilds of Scotland were as bad a place as any for a meltdown far from home.
"Maybe you're right. We should get back to the hotel." Retrieving her keys from her pocket, Celeste put them in the ignition and started the engine, fastening her seat belt. "I'm not sure what to say, right now. I need a little time to think."
Now it felt as though Celeste had anywhere else to look other than towards River and they both stared out of their respective windows as they drove away from McInnerny's Estate. The picture perfect landscape passed by as they drove and soon the hotel appeared before them. Celeste waited for River to exit the car before locking the doors and racing inside, leaving River stood outside, bag filled with packages of tea clutched to her chest.