Chapter 9| Riley's POV

                                    

                                          

After about a full week of staying at a motel in town, I finally decide to come home. I left that one night, because I just couldn't handle the thoughts I was having. I didn't think talking about Matthew with Zoey would make me react the way I did. But it all came crashing down in a blink of an eye, I knew I'd do something I'd really regret if I didn't just get out of the house. I knew I would be screwing up big time, and I wouldn't be able to show my face for a while, but it was that or being stuck with my suicidal thoughts. I'd rather live life with a wrecked family for a little bit then kill myself causing them even more pain. 
The first thing I noticed when pulling into the driveway was that Keely's car isn't here. Weird, she probably just parked in the garage. I walk inside, met with an eerie silence and coldness. 
Calling out for Keely would be useless, so I search the house. Checking the main floor first, since I'm on that floor. I glance around the kitchen, something white on the fridge catching my attention. 
I walk up to it, seeing it's a note. I grab the paper and lean against the counter as I read. 
Riley,
   I don't know how else to say it, and I don't feel like you need or deserve any sugarcoating, so I'll just go ahead and say it as it is. We need space. Dad came over and told me how we need to sort our crap out. I can't even tell if you still love me Riley, or if you've had sex with anyone while you leave for days. I don't know, and I'm not sure if I want to know the answers to all my questions. But we've gone too far to talk this better, it just won't work. Instead of kicking you out, the kids and I are leaving. Not forever, well hopefully not. Just long enough for the both of us to really come to terms with what we want. I want this to work Riley, I'm willing to fix our marriage if you are. I still love you; I still need you. And you need to decide what you want, if you wanna get out of this, then we'll do that. Us fighting is screwing with our family, and it has to stop one way or the other. And if you wanna fix this, then I'm all for it too. Text when you've sorted your stuff out.
Sincerely,
Keely
I slowly place the paper on the counter. They're gone? They all left?
"Zoey?! Clara?! Max?!" I yell out, going upstairs to their bedrooms. Seeing them all empty. I all but run to Keely's bedroom, my heart dropping when I see her stuffs all gone. They really did leave. 
This is my fault. They left because of me. I need them back. I still love Keely, I do. What I really need is some damned therapy. I just can't handle Matthew's death on my own, and the fact he looked exactly like Keely too, it doesn't help. Because whenever I see her, I see Matthew. And it's definitely not right to blame this on him, but it's the truth. 
I sit down, leaning against the wall, just holding my head trying to figure out what to do. Yes, I want Keely and the kids back, I love them. Yes, I want to fix our crumbling marriage. So now do I just text Keely, telling her I want her back? Or is this supposed to be more thought through?
Ugh! 
I don't know how long I sat at that same spot for, but it must have been for hours. That doesn't seem to matter much to me though. I'm about to get up, when I see something poking out of the mattress of Keely's bed. 
I carefully grab it, seeing that it's the journal Keely was writing in not too long ago. Knowing that it's wrong, and a complete invasion of privacy, I still flip it open. 
March 11th,
This makes day 3 of Riley being gone. He's done this about 6 times before, where he just leaves without saying a thing. I try not to let it bother me, but I've never been good at lying to myself. I know Riley's trying to fix himself from the heartache left by Matthew. But honestly it's not fair. I'm here, having to explain to OUR children that Matthew isn't coming back, ever again, while Riley's out drinking the pain away. I can't do that, I can go drink it away, because I'm stuck here fixing everyone else. I don't have time for myself anymore, I don't have time to even come to terms, and I mean really come to terms with the fact Matthew isn't coming back. Some mornings, I'll still go to his bedroom, to get him up and ready for school. It's funny, funny how easily I forget he's gone. It's been two months, you'd think by now I've gotten used to it, but no. I'm not used to it-
I flip the page, not wanting to read anymore of that journal entry. 
March 14th,
Riley came back for about 12 hours. He came back at the dead of night, slept on the couch, and was gone before lunch. I don't get why he leaves. He never tells me the real reason. He says it's because works really hard on him, but I know it's not that. He's disappointed in me. That's why. He can't stand to be near me when I just let Matthew die. I could've done so much more for him, I could've tried harder. I let Matthew down, and my own husband has been let down too. Why else would he keep leaving me?
I flip past that page. 
April 30th,
Zoey seems to be getting better. She's really upset about Matthew, and I am too.  It I'm pushing my grief away to care for everyone. And the whole issue with Riley, I can't even deal with it. I have a feeling that maybe one day he just won't come back. Maybe that's good, maybe it's bad. I don't know. I mean, how could Riley want to be with a failure like me? I failed everyone around. 
I flip through several entries. 
May 17th, 
It's like I have no feelings anymore. I can't feel anything. I don't feel sad, I feel numb. I don't feel anger, I feel numb. I don't feel happiness, I feel numb. I don't even try to understand why Riley's leaving anymore. I already know why anyway, he doesn't want to be with me because I let Matthew die. I tried to keep myself from falling into the dark place I'm in now, but I failed. Ha, funny; the failure failed. 
I skip more pages. 
June 4th,
I know I had promised myself I wouldn't do it, that this feeling of numbness will go away and to just hold on till then. But I couldn't. There's no light at the end of the tunnel. Riley hasn't been home in at least 5 days, and I'm wondering if he'll even come home. If this is even home for him. I cut out my family, because I know they'd be able to tell I've gone back to it. They'll know. 
I stop reading and flip back, trying to find out what this it is. I freeze when I land on the page. 
June 2nd, 
I have the urge to cut again. To just take a blade, and make a cut. Just to feel something. It's been months of feeling nothing, and I just need to see if I can still feel anything. I know I shouldn't, and I know I should just hold on a bit longer, but I'm not sure if I can. 
Keely self harmed again? B- but she had promised me she wouldn't. She promised me. 
July 31st, 
I'm glad no one's questioning why I'm wearing hoodies and long sleeves in the middle of summer. Because then I'd have to lie to them, and I've done enough lying already. Not to mention, I'm pissed at Riley. He thinks he can just go heal himself without checking in on me? Here I am, my mind being invaded with suicidal thoughts, saying how it'd just be better without me here, and there he is, probably sleeping with random girls being perfectly fine and happy. 
Suicidal thoughts?! 
I have to see her. Keeping her journal in my hands, I run out to my car, knowing she's at one of her family members houses. I have to find her. Space or no space, I'm seeing her.