August
After I packed my bags I sat them by the bedroom door. I ran my hands through my hair and looked around our bedroom. I can't believe that we are here and even though I'm going to fight for my marriage and figure all this shit out, I still felt like this was the end. I opened the door and I heard Desire and Day laughing.
I pushed the door to his room open and they both looked in my direction.
"Daddy!" Day yelled as he ran to me.
I picked him up and kissed his cheek. "Wassup lil man? You been a good boy?"
"Uh huh." He nodded as he grinned.
"You been treating ya lil sista' good?"
"Yes."
"Good." I sat him down and I looked at Desire.
The look in her eyes broke my heart and I all I wanted to do was hold and squeeze her, but I knew I had threw all that shit out the window.
"Day I'ma let you and mommy play. I'ma go visit your sister."
"K." He turned and ran back to Desire.
I stood there a moment longer and watched them and walked out. I walked into my babygirl's nursery and she was awake when I looked in the crib. She looked at me and I swear her eyes lit up.
"Hey daddy's baby." I picked her up and placed her on my shoulder as I cradled her head. I rubbed her back as I walked around the nursery.
"Shariah I want you ta' know that I love you. You are my angel and I thank God for you. Daddy isn't in a good place right now, but I'm tryna get right so that I can be a better father for you. Not only that a better man for this family. I don't want you growing up with ya pops like I did."
She made her lil baby noises as if she understood what I was saying. That put a smile on my face and it warmed my heart. It was gon' be hard not seeing her on a everyday basis, but thank God she didn't keep me away from my children. I started humming as I walked around rubbing her back. She moved a little bit and I heard her breathing even out. That let me know she was asleep.
I sat in the rocker and rocked as I continued to hum to her. I closed my eyes and I felt the tears slide down my cheeks. I quickly wiped them with my other hand. I have never been so disappointed in myself nor angry. I needed peace in my heart, mind and spirit. I think that this time apart may be good, although I know its gon' kill me because I'm so used to her being right here by my side.
I sat there wit my angel and just continued to hold her and embrace this moment. After some time had passed I placed her in her crib. I stood there and looked down at her. I traced her eyebrows and nose as she slept. I sighed and stepped back from her crib. I hesitantly made my way towards the door.
When I opened it I was surprised to see Desire standing there. We looked at each other and she looked away and brushed past me to go check on Shariah. I leaned up against the wall with my head resting there. This shit was so painful, but I'm the one to blame. I walked back towards our room, but I turned and went to check on Dayvion.
I pushed the door open and this lil boy always sleep. I kneeled down and ran my hands across his curls. I kissed his cheek. "Daddy loves you."
I turned and walked back towards what was our bedroom and grabbed my luggage. I looked around the room one last time and headed out. I made it down the stairs and Desire was sitting in the living room staring at the mantel. I walked towards the door with my luggage in my hands. I placed them there and I stood there with my head down.
I turned and walked back over to Desire. I stood there and looked down at her, but she wouldn't look at me. That hurt me even more because she couldn't bare nor stand to look at me. I wanted to touch her but at this point I was scared.
"Desire in spite of everything I do love you and that shit ain't gon' never change."
"Tell me why August? Tell me why you find ways to make me feel like I'm not good enough." She shook her head as tears streamed down her beautiful face.
"Desire you are enough. I'm just insecure right now. I'm insecure about us and that shit is fucking with me deeper than you know."
"Still August you left and didn't show up for your daughter's birth. I just don't understand and you really not trying to make me understand. I'm your wife and you should be able to come to me not run from me, but you know what its pointless because no matter what I say you still are gon' keep me shut out."
"In time I will tell you but right now I can't because it don't make sense to me. Just believe me when I say that I'm fucked up mentally."
"You know what I'm broken mentally and emotionally, but everyday I keep pushing and I kept pushing, but for you its like...hell I don't even know."
"De-"
"No sense in prolonging the final goodbye."
Desire
I looked at him for a long time and broke eye contact. He walked to the door and grabbed his luggage. I trailed behind him. He opened the door and looked back at me longingly.
"Desire I love you. I love tha' fuck outcha' and no matta' what I will always love you buh'lee that."
I stared at him and looked away again. This was too much for me. I never thought that we would be here, but life has a way of showing you otherwise. He looked at me one last time before saying goodbye.
"Goodbye Desire."
"Bye August." I watched him walk through the doors.
I closed it and looked around the house and I knew that things wouldn't be easy. I was so used to having my husband here, but this is life and maybe just maybe August and I aren't meant to be together. I walked into the living area and looked at the pics of August and us as a family, but now this family is broken.
I was so tired of crying, but when you're hurting it seems tears are the only way to cleanse your soul. The more l looked at all our pictures the angrier I got.
"I hate you so much right now August!" I yelled out as I flung everything off the mantle as I dropped to my knees crying.
Sylvia
"Lawrence what do you have for me?"
"Momma what you wouldn't believe...."
Oh wonder what's about to happen!
Excuse Mistakes!
