Chapter Twenty Four: Rambling

                                    

                                          
Willa,
I am still laughing at your description of Mary and Erica propping up your couch like bookends, and I must admit I love to envision them there with you, keeping you company. They are adorable! And I do wonder how your mother doesn't feel jealous of your bond... perhaps she doesn't give it much thought but I wish she knew how her sister loved you so purely, as if you were her own. 
Talking of your mother, and I know you said to talk of your family so they didn't feel dead to you, so I will, although I do try not to I confess. She came with me and Charlotte to the young womens camp out last week. We were there to help the girls feel the spirit of the lord and counsel them in activities which would teach and lead them, can you imagine what Charlotte was like? I think even your mother wished she had chosen a separate year to go and assist. 
The kids were there to strengthen their testimonies in Jesus Christ but what they got was Charlotte preaching. I'm not sure her daughter Laurel will want her attending next year, the poor thing was mortified. 
I'm pretty sure Charlotte would have pushed Joseph smith down the hill if she could have and discovered the golden plates for herself. I laugh but it was Harpers first year and I didn't want Charlotte to put her off, luckily she has a good group of friends in our ward and so she could avoid her when she needed too. 
Your mom loved the change of scenery, she says your dad drives her a little nuts now he's retired, he still won't talk about you, your mom says it's because he feels he's lost you and the thought is too much to bear. Your mom knows I speak with you via email, she asks me about you all the time but I wanted to ask if I should relay any of your life to her or should I just stay quiet? I obviously would never tell her the details like where you live and work but to let her know about your life in little details? It may help her move forward?! I don't know...this is your decision Willa and I am not encouraging it just explaining. 
Ben has been away with the young men to their camp, the priesthood is important to him as you know and he's been more dedicated to church than ever recently. I rarely see him, he's always doing something over there to assist and to help the community. 
Brigham and Eliza have had another baby, yes that makes seven, can you imagine?! His name is William and I wanted to let you know because Eliza told me in confidence last week that they did that in memory of you. I don't think your dad was impressed, he said he would never shorten it to Will and of course we know why, it brings you close to his thoughts. Your mom loved the sentiment though, she will take any opportunity she gets to say your name, so it is as close to it as she can get with Will. 
Anyway, I think that will warm you heart, to know you are missed whether you feel it from them or not. 
I have been enjoying the warm weather this weekend, planting in the garden and thinking of you, always thinking of you. I think I must spend half of my day with you in my head, wondering what you are doing and wanting to tell you something. Willa do tell me when it is you most think of me? For me it is the nights in bed, curled up with a book and I turn to see that empty spot and envision you there beside me. How I would curl into your body and listen to your heart if I had you there, to talk about the day and kiss your lips. I wouldn't tire of it... not ever. 
How was your weekend with Calliope did you take her to a game as promised? I admit
I'm a little jealous of her, seeing you and enjoying you. I wish more than anything I could jump on a plane and come to you but we both know this has gone too far now to see one another in the flesh. What I would do to you Willa Jameson... to ever see you again and have to hold back. I fear it would be an impossible feat, a red rag to a bull, and when we see each other I want it to be for eternity... no more missing... no more absence. The dot on the horizon gets closer. Harper is thirteen this birthday and she spoke of college yesterday and where she would like to go, she mentioned Boston and my heart I have to tell you it leapt because I imagined dropping her off there and driving straight to your door.
Is it silly of me to daydream of a day that is so far? I need a dot Willa. I have to have a date to work towards or what are we even doing? sometimes I wonder too far and think I should not confess all this to you, perhaps I hold you back from meeting someone. I don't ever want to, and you must tell me if you ever meet someone, because I am not a fool. I know you must have women who want you, and that you perhaps desire yourself, and that's something I would much rather you confess to me, because I understand that six years is a long time. I don't expect you to wait for me, and here I am rambling down that road again... forgive me. 
I just want you to know that I'm here for your happiness above all else. 
Placing my hand in yours from Utah,
Allie xx