14. push me away

                                    

                                          
when nini returned home from work that day, she found ricky sitting on the ground with boxes of pictures all around him, some polaroid and other sorts of photos lined up on the ground 
nini put her bag onto the counter and hesitantly walked towards him "hey..."
ricky looked up "oh, hey."
"you collaging?"
ricky stopped as he placed a picture of him and antoine down and looked up at the brunette "do i collage?"
"not that i remember..." nini chuckled weakly, her eyes looking down at the pictures "so...what's all this then?"
"well, i was thinking today about doing...like a timeline?? so i got some pictures from my parents and put them out. starting with when i was little and all of what's set out was easy, because, well—i remember everything from then." 
nini nodded and looked at him
"but then it gets a little tricky around here, like this picture. i do sort of remember this." he said, placing the polaroid he had in his hand down before suddenly looking up at her "i hope it's okay...i had to take some of the boxes that were on the shelf over there—"
"oh, no it's okay." nini waved off with a smile "what's mine is yours. literally, there's a legal document to prove it."
ricky chuckled at her joking tone and nini took a deep breath, taking out a picture 
"so, where would this one go?" she asked
"well, that's the thing." ricky muttered in confusion "it's blank all past here."
he had pointed to a photo of him on a balcony with fireworks in the background "new years eve, i remember being at a restaurant and asking if they had any of the dark chocolate cake left. but i don't remember the answer. it's all empty. like this blank canvas."
nini hummed in thought and sighed dramatically "wow...how are we gonna know if they ever had any of that dark chocolate cake."
ricky rolled his eyes playfully as she laughed softly, him staring at her for a few seconds before she looked up. 
she sucked in a breath as her eyes got lost in his. all her mind could think of was how much she missed him. how much she missed the way he'd look at her. 
"what?" she asked quietly
"uh...nothing." he quickly shook his head and cleared his throat, looking back down before sighing "this is never going to work. i'm just never going to get my memory back am i?"
"hey, it's okay, ricky." nini said assuringly, placing her hand on his shoulder "it'll all work itself out, okay? remember i'm here to help you."
he sighed again "it's no use. nothing's going to work!"
"hey, don't talk like that." she whispered, rubbing his arm before she thought about what ej said...
she knew he was stuck in his head...maybe she could calm him down and clear his thoughts.
nini hesitantly brought her hands to his sides but before she could do anything, ricky jumped away from her
"what are you doing??"
the girl parted her mouth "i —uh, nothing-i just...sorry—"
"sorry..." ricky mumbled before shaking his head to think "was that...a thing? like our thing or something-?"
nini nodded with an uncomfortable laugh, swallowing the lump in her throat "uh-yeah, kinda..."
ricky nodded slowly before thinking for a few seconds "hey...do you think...maybe we could go to my recording studio?"
nini blinked a few times, taken aback at the way he diverted the conversation "r-really? you sure you're up for it?"
ricky nodded "yeah. why not?"
nini forced a smile "okay. let's go."
 
the lights flickered on at the switch flipping upwards by nini. 
ricky looked around the empty, dim-lit recording studio blankly. he took a step forward to get a better idea of the place. it wasn't very big. but it was pretty impressive that he worked here every day.
"you spent almost every second here." nini reminisced as she stood behind him before grinning and rushing to the mixing console and muttering under her breath "ah! here."
she pressed a button before the music started playing around the room, causing for ricky to jump a little in surprise at the sound of a familiar voice.
"who's singing??"
nini shook her head with a light chuckle "it's you." 
ricky nodded "oh... what's the song called?"
nini shrugged "i don't think you even knew. you always were in the moment. loved focusing on the points that mattered at the time. and you loved getting lost in the music. it's one of the things i love about you..."
ricky swallowed and nodded again. 
'always in the moment' ??
that didn't sound like the him he remembers at all. the person she described him to be. the person she tells him he is...it doesn't feel like him. 
he was hoping to feel a sense of attachment when being around all this...but nothing. he feels nothing.
"c-can you turn the music off?" ricky asked
nini opened her mouth "why?"
"just-turn it off."
"ricky—"
"nini, turn the music off!" he exclaimed
the girl was taken aback, looking at him in bewilderment as she quickly turned the song off. she never heard ricky raise his voice at her. he never did that in the two years they knew and loved each other. 
it frustrated her.
so much of him was different since the accident.
and whenever she tried. when she did her best to get past the hurt and pain and help him. 
he just keeps pushing her away.
"ricky. i'm trying here." nini said, trying to not showcase her anger too much but it was difficult when her emotions had been overwhelming her since the start "i'm trying to help you. i'm trying to do everything i can to help you get your memories back, to get you back! but you keep using me as this sort of a punching bag! you can't keep pushing me away like this!!! you're frustrated?? you're angry?? i get it! but how do you think i feel too?? i lost my best friend and the love of my life in a day! and you don't even remember what you lost!"
ricky looked away as he clenched his jaw and balled his fists, not wanting to face her.
nini exhaled heavily, rubbing her hands over her face and shaking her head
"we should go back to the apartment." she whispered , taking her bag 
the man didn't say anything. he just nodded and walked towards the entrance, the girl feeling her eyes sting with a new bucket of tears as she followed him out.