29. drowning

                                    

                                          
Harry comes back unexpectedly, without telling Louis anything. He just knocks on the door. 
It's so Harry and he looks so Harry and Louis forgot how green his eyes are and he's wearing Louis' merchandise and he looks so cuddly and soft and one of these things or maybe all of them make Louis break down crying. 
Because Harry looks sick. Skinny and tired and pale. And it makes Louis realise that he isn't the only one suffering from the distance, that maybe Harry thought the same about everything, thought that Louis was ignoring him and that he was bothering him. 
It makes him realise that not only his but also Harry's life changed completely in the spam of a few weeks and that he had to adapt not only a new lifestyle, but also in a new country across the world he isn't used to, where the letters look different and a country he doesn't speak the language of. All that without Louis, Alessandro Michele, his fucking boss, the only thing he knew over there. But he didn't call, didn't text anymore, apparently didn't need Louis or maybe also thought he was a bother. 
And all of a sudden, Louis is scared. 
That this is what they are, maybe what they've always been. Maybe this was their problem all along, they don't talk enough. Because as Louis wanted Harry to call, Harry wasn't fine and just a bit stressed, he was waiting for Louis to call. 
Harry rushes over to him as he sees the tears leave his eyes, kneeling down on the floor to be on his level and wrapping his arms around him. He smells different, is the first thing Louis notices as he buries his face into his hoodie. It makes him cry even more, because when it felt like a whole fever dream since Harry left, everything that happened didn't feel real, it now crushes down on Louis that it was indeed very real and this right now is also real. They are far away from each other. 
Harry holds Louis in his arms for what feels like hours, until he finally calms down and wipes away his tears, getting up from the floor, both of them move to the kitchen to make something to eat quickly. Silently. Not what Louis imagined, seeing Harry for the first time again after four months. 
Just a few glances, tiptoeing around each other with a scary feeling in the pits of their stomachs. It's like the first time they saw each other again when they met up with Liam to buy the store back then a year and four months ago, they don't know how to talk anymore and it hurts. 
"Why didn't you tell me about your brit nomination?" Harry asks suddenly, a crease of worry appearing on his forehead and Louis wants nothing more than to soften it with the pad of his thumb, feel how Harry relaxes under his touch. But they need to have this conversation sooner or later because it is eating Louis alive so sooner is better than later. 
"Why didn't you tell me about vogue" He says back because that was actually the main reason he started to feel like they weren't as much at ease any more.  
"You know about it" Harry says, and Louis once again can't read his face like he always could and that bothers something deep inside him. 
"I saw it on instagram and in a shop. You didn't tell me" 
"You didn't even ask after you saw it" 
"Is that the point here?" Louis asks, growing frustrated because they kind of talk around each other, both knowing this conversation will head somewhere deeper but both refusing to show it. Preventing and concealing, everything is better than confrontation and that was the biggest mistake they ever made. And they made that mistake over and over again, creating a toxic relationship (if one could even say that with how long Harry refused to label them) with a lack of conversation and communication. 
It was fun while it lasted, but with all the changes, Louis can't keep up anymore and needs something. All this time he pushed his needs back, went at Harry's pace and let him take the lead but he needs now and Harry needs to hear him.