Chapter Seventeen: A discovery

                                    

                                          
I return to the hotel room in the late afternoon. We have a couple of hours before dinner with the family, and I've been told we are going to a luau further along the island. 
I kick off my shoes and let down my hair, placing my bag on the dresser and then coming to a stop, my heart racing, my fight or flight activated, because there on the bed is my leather bound journal. It is always hidden, always locked by a little padlock, for inside is my soul...and every thought and feeling I've had for years. The contents of my journal were never to be shared, not even with the one I love most. I reach forward and pick it up, holding it to my chest before running my hands over it and inspecting its curious placement on the bed. 
"Who are those about" Ben asks, coming from the balcony, his finger pointed at the journal. 
I look to him angrily "how dare you" I reply as my whole body began to tremble with the violation. "Where is Harper" I ask, and he comes further into the room.
"After snorkelling she went with Charlie and Eliza for an afternoon in the pool" he points again to the journal I'm clutching to myself "who is it" he asks again "because it's not me...you haven't touched me in years... not even a kiss...and yet reading those poems... those entries... it's clear you aren't just in love with another person entirely Allie...but you lust over them" he says holding his head in his hands briefly and becoming angry. "Allie" he shouts "who is he" ...
And I realise he hasn't read them all, he hasn't realised that he is a she, and that she is in-fact his sister, his beloved little sister. 
"Ben" I reply with a raised voice "these are my private thoughts... they were locked for a reason. How could you" I ask beginning to tear up. 
"How could I" he repeats sarcastically "how could you" he spits agitatedly "how could you break the bonds of our marriage with such a betrayal Allie... this is unforgivable. Have you acted on these feelings with him" he asks me, his brown eyes baring down on me as he comes closer. 
"There isn't a him Ben... and no I have never cheated on you or acted physically beyond our marriage with anyone else. These are just poems... does every written poem come from a place of action, no"
"I know you Allie, and okay so you haven't acted on these... these thoughts... but they are in your mind... you write them. How did I not know my wife had such inappropriate desires...and yet you don't lie with me anymore" he sits on the bed and hangs his head.
"Oh Allie" he whispers "why won't you come back to me. We can explore these feelings together... we can grow and learn and move forward... we can seek counsel" he adds. 
I shake my head and pick up the broken lock that is now on his bedside table. I throw it in the trash and instead wrap my journal up and place it in my suitcase, locking that instead and putting the key in my purse. 
He sits and watches me, and he seems pained. I don't want to cause Ben pain. I don't want to ever do that to anyone, and so I return to his side and let him pull me into his arms, my head resting against his shoulder "Ben I'm sorry...but I can't return to an intimate marriage with you"
"Allie why" he asks again. 
A conversation we have had so many times I've lost count, and yet still he doesn't hear me. I pull away from under his arm
"Ben I don't want any more children... I can't go through the loss again"
"Whose to say you would lose another Allie... if we pray and we hope... please let's try" he begs. 
I inhale dramatically and stand, looking at my reflection in the mirror, half the woman I should be, a shell of myself, so much sadness still evident when the truth was laid bare.  I was stuck, like I had stepped into quick sand on my wedding day and I was slowly disappearing more and more as the years past.