Finally, at peace

                                    

                                          
You, Me, and the shadow chapter fifty-nine
IPOV – Ivan
And there she is—the woman who ruined my life and tried to have me killed. 
I mean, she sort of succeeded too, because being a strigoi, you are technically dead, but I don't think it was the kind of death she initially bargained for. 
If not for Dimka and his Roza, I would have died along with all the other strigoi two days ago on the battlefield, and maybe I should have because I don't even know if I will be able to live with myself with everything I've done.
All the people that I killed. All the lives and families I ruined just to be able to continue that undead existence. I really don't know how I'm going to be able to get past that. 
Dimka says that he will be there for me no matter what, but a part of me wonders if he should have to be. He may be my best friend, my brother even, but he has a life now. A life that I haven't been a part of for a year. He has a woman he loves and a whole family who worship him. Hell, he's even a king now. Does he really have time for me and all the fucked up baggage I bring to the table? 
I know that many of my thoughts are just the guilt talking, but taking me on would still be a lot for anyone to handle—even Dimka.
When I found out that Tasha was here, I felt a wave of instant burning anger build up in me that I have only ever felt as a strigoi, which terrified me. What if I'm not fully me anymore? What if there is still a part of that monster buried deep down inside? What if I can't control myself?
On the walk over to the cells, I had so many thoughts going through my head about what I would want to do to Tasha when I saw her. So many violent and vengeful thoughts that I scared myself with how much hate I had inside me, but now, looking down on the sobbing mess on the floor, I feel a sense of calm wash over me.
"Hello, Natasha. Remember me?" I ask after a few moments of just watching her on the floor crying. She screams when she initially hears my voice as she looks up at me and visibly begins shaking, dragging herself back across the cell floor until her back is flush with the wall behind her, and she can't go any further. 
"No! No. You're dead. You're not here. No." Tasha cries, her head shaking from side to side and her eyes drawn tight as if she is trying to will herself out of a nightmare.
"Oh, I'm here alright." I move a few steps towards her and watch as her whole body jumps in what appears to be terror. "What's wrong, Tasha? Are you scared of facing what you did to me?" I ask, trying to keep my voice calm even though I have a storm raging inside of me.
How easy it would be to just reach out and kill her. To just end it all. 
As I'm thinking that, I feel a hand gently placed against my shoulder, so I turn to see Dimka standing there, watching me with caring eyes, and I instantly feel calmer than a second before. The fire within me smothered a little. 
No. Get a hold of yourself. That's not the type of person I want to be. I'm not a murderer. I'm not a strigoi. I'm me. Ivan. Ivan Zeklos. 
I don't know how Dimka knew about my darkening thoughts, but I'm grateful for his presence. Throwing him a small appreciative smile, I turn my focus back onto the quivering mess of tears on the floor, but this time when I look at her, I see just how truly broken she is. 
She still hasn't really looked at me; her eyes remain shut for most of the time, probably a way for her mind to deny the reality of the situation.
"No. That's not possible. If you're here, then you're strigoi. You're going to kill me." She declares, head still shaking in denial and her eyes still shut.