Confidences

                                    

                                          
The little party we had been allowed to throw at the hotel the same night was a blast, mostly because of the music which came from the corner of the garden where Nathan played guitar. His music was light, he wasn't trying to impress anyone, he just played for himself, for whoever would want to hear his music, he seemed so humble and clean. I walked toward him shyly, eyes wide open as the melody conquired me. I stayed there, standing beside these other girls, listening to him. His words spoke to me the way a diary would– deeply and knowingly.
'Cause sometimes life ain't what it's meant to be, things catch you off guard, throw you up and down people come in, people come out, they seem like me lost and confused they hide away and sometimes drown in the nothingness of their lives. Tell me it's gonna be alright The page's been turned, gotta move on now. 
It wasn't even cheerful, nor was it romantic, it was just real. Life was real. And so he seemed to be. I couldn't help but to associate his words to how things had gone between me and Mrs.Brown at the restaurant. It had been so painful and tough, for the both of us, even though we had openly shared our love. We were still not able to act on it, whatever this was.
It had almost seemed like a break up, realization that had hit me roughly. I didn't want things to end like this, not when it hadn't begun yet, not when I knew we would see each other for the next few months without being able to touch each other. Not when I knew about her worries. But I couldn't hate myself for something we had decided together, not after the conversations we had had. And that's when the last sentence resonated , that a flashback hit me through.
But life is meant to be anyway...
And for sure it was. We had to move on, to step on so nothing could catch-up on us, so life could keep swinging between obstacles and miracles. And this, this situation, should be a miracle. We loved each other, and that, to me, meant everything.
"I'm always going to be your girl. I want you to remember that as you wake up each morning to the sound of the birds, as you watch the sunrise. Rise yourself. Be your very best, for
me." 
That's the text I had sent her as I had reached my room to get ready for the party. I needed her to know she had me, forever. I was a lost river without her, I couldn't reach the sea if she wasn't there.
"Only if you promise to stay forever." had she replied nervously. And that's what I did, for her, for us. I promised. There was no doubt in this choice, no ambiguity. I wanted her forever, and nothing would change this evidence to my eyes.
A hand waving before my eyes brought me back to down world, also called earth by some. Me, I just tended to live in dreamland, up there, up the clouds, with my memories. I didn't know if it was a good thing or not, but for now, I tried to enjoy it as much as possible. Cause memories were precious, they fell on you as snowflakes and shone as the sun, they were diamonds. 
"Where did you just go Alice?"A knowing smile I had not seen on very many peoples' faces tricked me into the game, making me smile dreamily at the dark haired guy.
"If you must know, Sir, I just lost myself in Wonderland . " My playful voice made him laugh slightly, as he walked toward a wood bench, inviting me to follow him . 
We both sat in silence, our eyes wandering over the party, people dancing freely, enjoying themselves among the crowd.
"I probably shouldn't tell you this but, you look like someone I used to fall in love with each time I looked into her eyes." 
His voice resonated within my lungs, breaking my breathing almost instantly . I had no idea of what to say; what to do. He had not said that to make me uneasy or anything, no, it has sounded more like a confidence, like this was the last thing he needed, yet couldn't stay away from. And the more I wanted to reply something, the more Mrs.Brown imposed herself into my mind. So I said the only thing that came up to my thoughts.
"Your lyrics remind me of someone I think I'm losing the more I stay away from them. It scares me. " 
Confidence for confidence, you could say that. His blue sapphire eyes seemed to burn holes into mine, making me nervous somehow.
"I need the distance you're trying to minimize." 
I couldn't tell whether he meant that he had to leave, or if he was mentioning his ex-girlfriend, source of his demons. I could see it in his gaze, the hurt.
"Minimizing's the only way to survive in life. We minimize everything, from our issues to the love we nourish. If we listened to our hearts, we'd love too much, an we would hurt even more." 
I felt the need to defend myself, as though I needed a reason to minimize whatever was breaking my relationship with Mrs.Brown. I guess I didn't want to see what was going on, what I didn't want to see happening. I loved her more than anything, and I knew she did too; but we just couldn't be, for now.
"No need to think so hard Alice. What is meant to be will happen, no matter what." 
And that's exactly what scared me, what was meant to be.How could I stop it without knowing what it was? Maybe he was right, maybe I was giving too much thought into it. Maybe everything would be alright between us, because we loved each other, and it was all that mattered right?
"How long have you been singing? " I felt the need to change the subject, needing to breathe again without feeling guilty of anything. Not that I felt bad about anything, but the air had somehow became compressing.
"Forever ? I don't know what to tell you, I think I've always sang . I like writing down what's bugging me, so thoughts stop haunting me. You should try it too. There's obviously a lot of things happening up there. "
"I do. I do write, just not songs. More like poetry. Not every day, but it happens."
"Would you let me read some ?" I don't know what it was, if it was his voice or his eyes that kept me so calm suddenly, but I found myself enticed. And the more we talked, the more I found us things in common, going from our love for poetry to our hatred toward Holiday on Ice. We talked about everything, favorite meals, horse-riding, holidays at the beach with his family and my dance lessons. It seemed so easy to talk to him, to confide, he listened so well and never judged. I guess he knew better than doing so. With him, I was learning how to swim here, instead of drowning in my thoughts. 
That was so until Lia showed up, only to kidnap me, launching some drunk sentence at him before dragging me outside.
"You'll see her tomorrow Romeo." She had said mockingly which had made me frown. 
I had glanced a last time toward him, only to meet his eyes directed right into mine, not losing a second of Lia's drunk speech.
'I'm sorry' I mouthed, letting the girl take me away toward our bedroom. The only thing I told her that night was 'I'm learning to swim.' .