Speak up

                                    

                                          
Days passed, then weeks, and the more I tried to forget about her, the more I seemed to lose myself. I barely ate anymore, didn't sleep enough either. I was really trying to hang out with people my age, going to parties, crashing at people's houses, but nothing worked. 
I had even went out with that Theo guy, it had been quite nice but we weren't made for each other, so I dumped him. I stopped going to tutoring sessions, I wouldn't look at her anymore and would run out of class as soon as the bell rang. So much for not running into her more than what was expected. 
I found myself sitting in a cafe near high school one day, waiting for Elle. We had made plans earlier that week. Staring at my glass of water, I waited, lost deep in my thoughts when someone sat in front of me. Thinking it'd be Elle I looked up, my smile fading away as soon as I saw who it was. She had a serious expression plastered on her face, her jaw was tight as she seemed to look right through me. I didn't look away this time, too enticed by her beautiful wards. I hadn't looked at her in quite a long time, and seeing her there, right in front of me, made my feelings come back to the surface. She sighed, not saying anything. She just waited, staring at me in wonder. She tilted her head eventually and bit her lower lip, daring me to look down at her lips, thing that I didn't do.
"What's up with you?" She finally asked, as though she truly was worried about me. And maybe she was, maybe she cared, but not as much as I did. So I shrugged, not knowing what to say. I could have smile and said -everything's okay miss-, but I truly wasn't in the mood. We stared at each other for a while until she leaned in, elbows placed on the table, bringing herself closer so she could whisper.
"Please tell me what's wrong." She pleaded, making me feel vulnerable. I didn't like this, I knew where this was going and it scared me. 
"You're different. You've lost your happiness." 
If only I had lost only that. I had lost everything, including her and myself. I had become even more transparent than I used to be before.
"You can talk to me, I care about you." I giggled, glancing out the window, biting my own lip this time. Of course she'd say that, of course she's make me feel bad about all of this. As though this was my entire fault if I felt this way.
"I mean it." She tried to squeeze my hand but I pulled away, tearing a desperate sigh from her. She straightened herself and looked me with sadness, with pity. I didn't like that look on her face. I missed her smile , her smirks, her teasing mind games. I missed everything, but I couldn't allow myself to do anything about it. I needed to stay away, even when she made me alive.
"I wish it was easier, that we could..." She whispered, most to herself than to me, teasing my curiosity. I stared at her in awe and wonder, hoping she'd finish her sentence.
"I wish you would trust me." She smiled painfully, making my heart ache. I could see tears in her beautiful eyes, making me wish I wasn't acting this way with her. But if she knew, she'd probably hate me. I couldn't risk that.
"Why can't you be honest for once?" She leaned in one more time, looking almost desperate to find my eyes.
"Why aren't you?" I replied bitterly, taking her by surprise. She seemed sorry for a minute, as she bit her lip hard enough to make it bleed slightly, like she kept herself from saying, from doing something.
"You wouldn't believe me." Her eyes fell onto my lips, making me frown. My heart started beating faster, bumping against my chest roughly as my stomach became as tight as ever. Here it was, the mind game, the teasing.
"Try me." I teased her, hoping to get the advantage on the situation, but she replied almost instantly with a smirk of her own.
"You're easy to read Madison. Well too easy to read." 
This sentence scared me off. Did she mean she knew? About everything? Gulping hard, I straightened myself and let my eyes wander elsewhere, hoping for her to leave.
"Can I ask you something?" I eventually asked, feeling a sudden curiosity creeps in. She nodded, although I could see in her eyes she wouldn't promise to answer it.
"If you can read through me, why are you here? Why are you asking me what's wrong if you know already?" I swallowed hard, feeling my eyes becoming teary almost as instantly. She smiled painfully , never leaning back. She pulled her head on her hands, staring at me intently, making me blush.
"Because I want you to tell me. I want you to admit it. Not only to me but to yourself as well. It's as simple as that Madison." 
Diving into her eyes, I focused on her every word. Admitting. Admitting what? That I was in love with a woman twice my age who happened to be my teacher? She wanted me to admit it. But I refused to do so, I just couldn't. We couldn't. It wasn't just about me, it was about her as well and surely she knew that. I refused to believe in this, in us, it was desperate. I shall forget about her, it was the only way to find happiness. Without her being part of it.
"I won't admit anything. Leave me alone!" I exclaimed, suddenly freaking out. I just couldn't do that, not now, not there, it wasn't the right time and this conversation was killing me in silence.
"We both know there's something there. Remaining silent won't make it go away. I'll tell you a secret. I'm done hiding." 
She was? But what was she hiding from exactly? That's exactly what I asked her, leaving her to smirk down at me. This woman was driving me crazy and it seemed to amuse her.
"My truth."
"I don't know what you're talking about anymore , and guess what? I don't care! Just leave me alone please." I finally put an end to this conversation, watching her sigh in regret. 
I wasn't the only one easy to read there. She stood up, grabbed her umbrella, looked at me one last time, and disappeared out the door. I sighed and plunged my head in my hands, forcing the tears back in, not wanting to cry. This woman was driving me mad.