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3 weeks later...
I ran to the bathroom throwing up my breakfast i literally ate 10 minutes ago. "ramari please tell me you not pregnant" ari said.
i bit my lip trying not to cry, i was in denial at the moment, having multiple flashbacks of jasani and me that night and after checking the cameras, noticing him carrying a unconscious me in the house. it all adds up, recently he came but i was too scared to see him so he sat in my driveway for what seemed like hours.
After being rape, i haven't talked much, i felt numb, zay let me see raylon last week but i haven't even been seeing raylon as much. it was all too just too hard to bare.
"ima go get some pregnancy test" ari told me leaving out, i nodded my head and went to lay down. I barely ate unless someone forced me, i didn't take showers, i just stayed in bed all day.
i haven't told ari what happened that night, i haven't told anyone actually, it feels foreign coming out my mouth that I was raped, it's like you never know when stuff like that can happen to you.
i shut my door to my bedroom and drowned out all my thoughts, staring at the ceiling above me. why me? i asked no one in particular as tears formed in my eyes. i thought i didn't have anymore tears left in me, i was afraid to close my eyes and see flashbacks of that night.
Xavier looked at me with such disgust when he saw me.
incoming facetime call from bubba❤️ ...
"mommyyyy" raylon said smiling with his face all in the camera.
"hi baby" i smiled with my brows pinched together, stopping myself from breaking down in front of my heart in human form.
"what's wrong ma" I took the camera out my face as a tear dropped. "nothing" i muted myself to sniff.
"I missed you baby" i smiled looking at raylon. "me too, and da been missin you. when i'm gonna come home mama" he said looking sad, we have only seen eachother twice during these 3 weeks.
I told Xavier to keep raylon for awhile, i was dealing with too much and i didn't wanna bring my child down along with me. " you don't like being with daddy?" i asked him
he nodded, "i do, i miss you mama" he said looking like he was about to cry, so he hung up on me. i laughed a little before closing my eyes, and a image of jasani face flashed in my head.
i opened my eyes quick, "i got the test" ari said walking in my room. she noticed how down bad i've gotten recently so she took over my shops for awhile and told me to come to her when i'm ready.
i nodded and grabbed the bag with the pregnancy tests in it and walked in the bathroom shutting the door.
i peed on 3 stick, and began waiting, praying to anyone above i wouldn't be pregnant with my rapist child.
my iphone alarm went off and i opened the bathroom door giving the test to ari for her to look at them. i noticed her face reaction changed so i quickly snatched the tests and looked at them.
my knees felt so weak that they buckled and i dropped down crying, 2 positive tests, 1 negative, my mind was already made that i couldn't have this child or i might come to resent him or her because of their father.
"no no no no" i cried, and started breathing hard, i was shaking, and i felt like i couldn't breathe. i was having a panic attack.
"breath in and out" ari said instructing me but rather then helping me it was irritating me, "i am breathing arianna" i said trying to calm my breathing. "think happy thoughts" she told me.
i started inhaling and exhaling in and out thinking of raylon, doing hair, ari, zay, just anyone who or anything brings me joy.
eventually my breathing calmed down, "so i'm going to abort the baby" i looked at ari. she sighed and said " you're not in your right state of mind right now, i understand that you feel horrible but the baby is innocent. think of raylon, what if you had aborted him"
i shook my head and decided to think more about it, "hey ari, i kinda wanna just be alone" and she gave me a hug and left. I turned on vas- jagger fin and layed down thinking. i was in so much pain mentally.
i got out my bed and went to my medicine cabinet, i opened to pain reliever pills and took 7 of them to make my pain go away. it was such a twisted mindset, i know people has been through way worst but i hate feeling like this.
❦
it's been 4 days since i ate, i've had my phone on dnd only texting ari back occasionally to make sure she doesn't come over. i ignored raylon calls, i didn't want him to see me like this.
i went in the cabinet and finished off my last 3 pain relievers, i had to go out and buy some more. I finally took a shower, brushed my teeth and just left a scarf on. i slipped on my sweatpants which were now extra big since i lost over 15 pounds. i threw on a hoodie and some black crocs that was sitting on the floor in my messy room.
i grabbed my car keys and headed out the door. I locked my door, but ran back in the house and grabbed the zebra taser. i went to my 2021 tesla model 3 and got in my car. i was so afraid to be out the house but i need something to relive the pain.
i looked at myself in the mirror, i had huge bags under my eyes from not sleeping much, my brownskin was paler, my eyes looked dull, and my face was noticeable smaller.
i pulled in front of a cvs and jogged in the store, looking through the pain relievers that's available, there was this cute guy working as a pharmacist, you can tell he not really there for work, "hey can i get some pain relievers" i asked him.
"well damn- hey to you too, but why? you got a prescription or somthin'" i shook my head no, "well... hmmm, slide a 100 and i got you" he said contemplating whether or not he should have gave it to me. i frantically shook my head and gave him a hundred dollar bill from my wallet, after noticing i've been put the house for too long.
"here ma, don't turn into a addict" he joked. i smiled at him and left out the store quickly. "MOMMA?" i heard my baby boy voice from across the street. out of instinct i hid my face and started walking to my car, hoping he'd forget he saw me.
