09 - READY TO COMPLY

                                    

                                          
WHEN DID WE SEE EACH OTHER?
not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that, we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out.
JOHN GREEN
    I never understood the idea of peace. Maybe it was because of the inadequate amount of it I experienced as a child or maybe it's just that I don't want it. Peace, that is. Whenever I think of peace or the idea of feeling completely content with my life, I feel void. It was like my body was only made to be thrown from one fight to the next, never slowing down, never changing course. The constant that is violence will be the only think I'll have ever known, even now thinking about what or how I would fit into a thing called peace it doesn't register. I'd be out of place and constantly paranoid, always waiting to the other shoe to drop, but what if there was no other shoe? What if I ran out of fights? How will I live when it all comes slamming down on me and not have a way to ignore it, to distract myself? I'm scared of peace, no matter how good it's made up to be, I think it will always be a concept that terrifies and alludes me; what's even worse is that I think I might just be ok with that. 
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The sound of horns honking and insisting shouting was clouded by the thick clear walls that surrounded me. I was in a gray armed truck with officers stationed and armed all around my prison pod. And just before I thought my day couldn't get any fucking worse I noticed my arms and legs were bolted to the chair and a thin piece of metal was attached to my head sending constant zaps to keep me from thinking. My head hurt and my ears rang, fucking great. It all didn't really matter, however because I was worried for James, I knew that they probably had him in a cell like mine, but what really troubled me was when my mind traveled towards the darker side of things. I wondered if he was injured in the fight, and I was scared for him. I knew we both struggled with keeping the soldiers at bay and in this situation it was extremely hard for me to keep the Widow at bay. I could only imagine what James was going through. As I felt the truck come to a stop I heard indistinguishable voices outside and then the clangs and clicks of several locks being unbound. The thick metal doors of the truck bust open and there was at least 10 guns being pointed my way. I inwardly scoffed at their aggression as well as their ignorance. If I really wanted out, I could easily take all of them down before a single shot was fired. But I did nothing, felt nothing, I just looked at the ground with a blank stare and not a word or movement was made. They hauled my thick glass pod out of the truck and I was set next to James. I was overjoyed to just be near him, and as I looked over at him I could tell he felt the same. James and I nodded to one another mouthing words back and forth. 
"Bring sie in Zelle 153 und ihn in 167. Halte sie so weit wie möglich getrennt." (Take her to cell 153 and him to 167. Keep them separated as much as possible) I looked at James and nodded down to my left hand. My ring finger held a small, thin black band with tiny jewels in creating a message in braille. It read 'you have my heart and soul.' James looked down at my hand then looked to his own. His had a ticker black band with braille as well but his read 'you're my forever and always'  The rings weren't something we had in hydra but when James and I were in hiding with all those moments and memories that came back to me they also carried feelings, and every memory I had of James was full of love, passion, and acceptance. We both knew that even though our love was born through pain, it had grown into something real and beautiful. So we had an actual wedding, just the two of us. We both got rings and I got a beautiful white dress. It was perfect, the rings were perfect, and occasionally I find myself rubbing my finger across the jewels to remind myself he's always there with me. The feeling of my body moving broke me from my thoughts, I looked up at James with my brows furrowed in concern. Mouthing a quick 'I'm here, I love you' I was rolled away.