Part 37: the only thing worth fighting for

                                    

                                          
18  WARNING MINORS DNI



The person Bucky becomes over the next two weeks is virtually unrecognizable from the man she met months ago. He's been taking his sessions with Sam seriously. He looks forward to them every morning. He's even shown her some of the coloring he's done. Alice is thrilled with his progress. As she flips through the coloring book one morning while he's getting dressed, she notices that his progress is evident even in his art. He uses more colors, they're brighter, the lines more careful as time goes on. She can tell he's beginning to care about what he's coloring, even if it's just a little book that he'll never show anyone else. 
She's so proud of him.
He's beginning to recover more memories, too - not all of them are good, but he tries to focus on the good things as much as he can. Sam and Bruce told him that was just as important as reconciling with his trauma. He comes back from therapy with tears in his eyes some days. Some days she asks and he's willing to share his feelings. Other days, she can just sense in his body language that he's done talking for the day. She lets him hold her until he falls asleep, raking her fingernails through his hair. By the time he wakes up, he feels better.
Bruce is getting closer to creating something that can help to remove the Winter Soldier programming from Bucky's brain. He shows it to them over dinner one night on his tablet. It's an implant, not unlike the one he put in Alice's knee. He's using more nanotechnology - something about blocking the stimulus through some kind of receptor. It's a lot of technical jargon. Alice, Sam, and Steve's eyes begin to glaze over, like bored students sitting in the back of the class waiting for the bell to ring. Bucky, however, is hanging off of every word, watching the animation intensely on Bruce's tablet. The proposition doesn't go over so well with him. He hangs his head and Alice watches him bristle as he shoves the last of his food into his mouth.
"The implant should block the conditioning response to the trigger words," Bruce explains.
Bucky looks up from his meal and gulps.
"Should? Wh– what does that mean, should?"
"Well, everything is theoretical," Bruce replies. "But it works like a shield. See?"
He runs the simulation again, while everyone stares at it, somewhat baffled that they don't understand the science.
"Doc, I need more than 'should.'"
Bruce sighs softly, a small signal of defeat.
"I'm doing the best I can, Bucky. I've run it over and over again in a simulation program with the trigger words and 99% of the time, it's blocked them."
"Theoretically," Bucky whispers.
"Yes," Bruce answers. "Theoretically."
"It's worth a shot, Buck," Steve offers gently as he begins to collect plates. Alice can tell that he's trying to be less aggressive in his encouragement, and a little more gentle. She jumps up to help him with the dishes while Bucky sits at the table, anxiously peeling the label off of his beer bottle.
"Maybe," he whispers.
Alice looks over her shoulder and locks eyes with him. She wishes she was telepathic so that they could communicate in secret. Longing glances will have to do in the meantime. Bucky stares at her with despair in his eyes. He doesn't like the idea of something relating to his treatment not being 100% certain, but Alice has been down this road before with her own treatment. She gives him a hopeful smile, but Bucky merely slides his chair away from the table, stands up, and runs a hand through his hair.
"I'm gonna go to the gym," he says softly. "Blow off some steam. Thanks, doc."
Alice watches him leave the kitchen and Bruce frowns, turning off his tablet and staring at his now empty plate. She walks over and pats him on the shoulder.