Chapter sixteen: Emma

                                    

                                          
I lay on my bed and thought about what Max had told me. For the first time, I realised she and I had different agendas. I had always been so intent on finding my way back to Lincoln. To be a family with the only people I had ever really known and loved. But Max wanted to belong to a new family. One without the memories or the scars. 
For the first time, I realised how young she was. So young that she didn't have the memories of the family we had before. She didn't remember Lincoln making promises or being there. She remembered being told to try her best at the homes. She remembered being told that she could find her future home if she just kept trying. 
All the words I had dismissed as threats and empty phrases, she had seen as promises of a happy home. A home I had ruined every time. 
I'm sorry, Max. 
Someone knocked on the door and I turned my head as Louis entered. 
"You ok?" He asked gently. 
I shrugged. 
He looked around the room at all the clutter that piled up on the desk and floor. 
"You should tidy this place once in a while." He said, dryly. 
I was quiet. 
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, I wondered if I was annoying him. The thought made me smile briefly. 
"Do you want to go for a walk?" He asked, eventually. 
"Why?" I asked, trying to hide the suspicion in my tone. 
"It'd do you some good to get some fresh air." He said. "And I want to talk to you." 
"We're talking now." I said. 
"I find you're more...relaxed outside." He replied. 
I thought twice and got to my feet. He smiled. 
"Why are you always so hesitant?" He asked. "I promise I'm never going to hurt you." 
Why was it still so hard to believe that? 
"Come on, my love." He said, stepping aside as I left the room before following me. 
Amelié looked up from her book as we entered the living room. 
"I'm just taking Emma on a walk." He said, leaning to give her a kiss. "We'll be back soon." 
I scowled at the way he compared me to a dog as I pulled my boots on. 
"Take a coat, it'll be cold." She instructed. 
"Oui, Mon Amour." He replied, giving me a small smile.
He took our coats off the rack and tossed mine to me. I caught it and put it on reluctantly before following him outside. I watched the way he held himself tense, trying to disguise it with a smile.
This conversation could be interesting. 
~*~ 
Despite the fact that he wanted to talk, Louis seemed quite happy to walk in silence which suited me just fine. 
I watched how he interacted with passersby, noting how he never engaged with them, hardly meeting their eyes. Preferring to keep a distance. I realised how different he was than when he was with Amelié. She seemed to bring him out of his shell. 
I almost wanted to comfort him. Strange. 
He pulled me closer so I was by his side, keeping me out of reach from the few people who passed us. He was gentle, calm, but something in his stance made me think he wasn't as relaxed as he wanted to seem. Was he worried I would bolt the first chance I got? 
Eventually, he turned to me. 
"What do you want from us, Emma?" He asked, gently. 
He had asked me this question before and I still didn't have an answer. 
"What do you mean?" I asked. 
"I can't figure you out at all." He replied. "Every time I try, you throw another curveball at me and I'm back to square one." 
He paused. "I know you're upset with me for separating you from your brother." 
He waited to see if I would deny it, but I remained quiet. 
"I know I'll never understand what you've been through. I understand that." He sighed. "But I don't know what you need from me. I don't know what I need to do to make you feel at home." 
I frowned. "What do you mean?" 
He paused, casting about for the right wording. 
"A home is where you can be yourself." He explained. "But you've had walls around you since you got here." 
"No I haven't." I tried to argue. 
"Yes, you have." He replied. "I thought giving you time and space would help but it hasn't. Your emotions are a maze I've never encountered before." He sighed. "I've done all I can to keep up with you, my darling, but your walls keep changing."
I paused. 
A small smile touched his lips. 
"Amelié convinced me to foster the pair of you." He said. "I thought a son would be easier to raise but she set her heart on you the moment she read your file. And fostering two kids was a challenge I definitely wasn't prepared for." 
I smiled. 
"I wasn't sure who frightened me more when we met you." He added. "You, or your brother." 
He paused.
"But I knew that day that I was taking you home. It wasn't just Amelié's persuasion. I just knew. You were going to be mine." 
"How?" I asked. 
"You looked at me like you hated me." He said. "Like I was here to ruin everything you had tried so hard to find." 
Had I? It was so long ago now. 
"Then you turned to your brother and I thought I was going to have to separate the pair of you. You looked livid." He chuckled. "I looked at you then and felt years of suppressed rage and disappointment in the system come flooding back." 
"And then what happened?" 
"Lincoln kissed your forehead and told you he loved you, did the same to your sister, shot me a warning look, said goodbye and disappeared." He recalled. "You looked at me challengingly and took your sister's hand. Since then, I've been trying to work out what causes your emotions to seesaw up and down but so far I'm lost." 
He turned and smiled at me.
"One day, I'll figure it out." He said. "Until then, you're just going to have to learn to trust me." 
"How?" 
"Only you can decide that when you're ready." He replied. 
He looked at me in a way that suggested he knew more than he let on. I wondered what he already knew. What he thought he knew. 
I wondered when the thought of him figuring me out stopped seeming so scary.
I hesitated. I could tell him this. I could. I trusted him. I did. 
It was just four little words. Dad I like girls.
He turned to me and smiled. 
I froze and clammed up. Not now. Tell Max first. She deserves to know first. 
My sister was still the first person I wanted to talk to about anything.
Soon. I would tell him soon. 
I trusted him now. But Max needed to know first. She's been there with me for all of it. I wanted her to know first. She's my sister. 
Sisters come first. Always.