When All is Death

                                    

                                          
Okay, honest moment, I have been struggling. Struggling to find motivation to get out of bed in the morning, struggling to fight the swarming thought of, "I'll never be good enough", struggling to not see the world in a perverted way, full of demented emptiness.
Hopelessness and loneliness have become my only companion as I battle the trauma from the hell that I crawled out of. 
Last year I lost people very close to me, some to death, some to unexpected life situations. 
Then school became a living nightmare, the ugly sides of my ADHD rearing their nasty teeth.
My ADHD didn't just pop up in school, but also sent me on a seemingly never ending battle with addiction. 
My relationships went into the toilet. I wish I could say it was all my ADHD's and my crappy year's fault, but no, I neglected and hurt alot of people I cared about.
And the guilt at times can feel insufferable. My whole life has turned black, unable to see any future, so dark, cold, and alone.
I have been questioning everything. Is life worth it? Am I even valuable? Will I ever be good at anything? Will anyone ever love me? Should I give up?
But let me say, all through this time of healing from pain and fighting against mountains of disappointment and despair, God hasn't left my side. When I'm at my lowest of lows, he comes down to my level, lays with me, and takes my pain onto himself. He's there to remind me that feelings aren't reality and that he's not finished yet. 
So no matter what comes, my dudes, I want you to know, he's there. You can always pray to him, it doesn't need to be perfect, heck, I literally prayed acouple days ago a prayer that went like this.
"Lord, uhm, help, I feel like poop, and all I see is poop, and all I hear is poop...so can you not be poop, for me."
Even one time during my quiet time, which I have on my porch at night, I got so mad at a verse I was reading that I threw my Bible across my backyard and stormed inside.
I'm not alone in my temper tantrums.
You can see all through the psalms David praying with raw emotions, anger, fear, hopelessness. He pours out his heart, vomiting his emotions, punking his deep pain. God didn't rebuke him, God came down at his level. 
And he comes down to ours too.
The greatest example of that is Jesus, he came down from heaven and became human, became squishy, with the need to eat and poop, and a body that could be killed. 
And in the greatest act of misdirected anger, that's what we did, we killed him. 
He made himself vulnerable so he could take our vulnerability. And on the cross, he made himself sinful, so he could take our sin. And he died, taking the bitter bite of death so we may have eternal life.
God isn't a big fat man with a Santa Claus beard sitting on a cloud and looking down on us, judging us on how good people we are.
He comes down into your mess and sits in it with you. He isn't far away, butt on cloud, like those little turtle guys on Mario Cart, he is right with you, every step.
He so desires to take your burdens, your weaknesses, onto himself. He wants to capture your imagination, he wants to stir life up into your exhausted body, and he wants to love you, intimately.
If it wasn't for God, I would have killed myself long ago. But with him, even when life is suck, people I care about are gone, and I see no way out, I can dance, because Jesus died for me.
He loves me.
Nothing can take that away.
If you want to have that, it's waiting for you, he's waiting. All you need to do is pray. This is the best part, God won't talk to you the way he talks to me, he's personal, and so if you have prayed to have a relationship with Jesus now you get to go on this unique, personalized adventure with Christ.
He will make himself known to you, just ask to see him this week, and he will, promise. He wants to make you blush, blush with how intimately he knows you and loves you.
I'll end with this song that has given me alot of strength in this time of fear that I have been battling-
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
(Chorus:)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth
(Chorus)
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You"
You Never let go. Matt Redman~
Never stop dancing and never forget how awesome you are, praying for y'all!
~Lila Jean
[Important Note:] If you are struggling, you are not alone. And you do not need to struggle alone. I understand how all consuming it can be or how hopeless it seems, but there are people waiting and trained to help you understand your feelings better. God isn't all you need, he gave us people, medicine, and therapy to help conform truth in the darkest of times. You are not a burden nor a hopeless case, you are valuable. Please check out the recourses bellow. And if you have someone in your life who you suspect to be struggling, go talk to them, check up on them. The scariest thing may times is initially reaching out, but you can break that barrier. And if you are in a crisis situation or you just need to talk to someone, here's some recourses for you-

 Reach out for help. Your pain matters and you are not a burden, okay? It will help - RESOURCES
 The Samaritans - 08457 90 90 90 or www.samaratins.org 
Campaign Against Miserable Living (for men) 0800 58 58 58 or www.thecalmzone.net 
Youthline - 0800 376 633 or text to 234 (New Zealand helpline) or youthline.co.nz 
Crisis Text Line - text HOME to 741741 in the United States 
Crisis Service Canada - txt at 45645 (Canadian helpline) or call 1833 456 4566 
Lifeline Australia - call 13 11 14 
The Trevor Project - call 1-866-488-7386 or text START to 678678 
 The South African Depression And Anxiety Group 011 234 4837 
South African Schizophrenia & Bipolar Disorders Alliance 011 326 0661. 
French La Conception Hospital - ( 33) 491 380 000 
 Norwegian Ungdomstelefonen ( 47) 400 00 777. 
 Finland: (09) 615 516 Suomen Mielenterveys 
A list of mental health helpines by country: https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines 
 www.depressionalliance.org