Miserable

                                    

                                          
Kara POV - 
                          
"So nothing is broken. Just lots of bruising and some scraps and cuts." Doctor Critz sat on his little stool as I stayed perched on the medical bed in one of the exam rooms at headquarters. 
                          
"Thank you, Doctor." 
                          
"Kara, let's have a chat. Just me and you for a minute." 
                          
"Okay." I sighed as I looked out the window to my right. I didn't really want to have a chat with anyone right now. But Ren was waiting out in the lobby for me and I really didn't want to see him either. So I chose the less miserable of my options and stayed to speak to the doctor.
                          
"How are you coping with the loss?" 
                          
I didn't know how to answer his question honestly and still be able to walk out of this room. If I told Critz everything going on in my head I'd be placed in a padded cell for sure. I couldn't tell him that a part of me had hoped that I would die in that warehouse last night. Because as I stared out that window I could see the tombs of the two men that I had lost. My sons didn't even have a tomb yet. I wasn't even sure where their bodies were. 
                          
"I don't know." 
                          
Doctor Critz sighed and nodded. "I know that you've been through so much in your life. I can only imagine how hard losing your husband has been. But your father would be proud of the woman you have become. And he would have liked Vicrul very much." 
                          
"How would you know that?" I scoffed as I stared out the window at my husband's crypt. I still wished that I could crawl inside of his coffin and sleep for eternity in his arms. 
                          
"I knew him. And you mom." 
                          
I looked over at Critz, confused. "What?" 
                          
"I knew them. I told Vicrul that I did but I guess he didn't tell you. I was friends with your father. He was an amazing man." Critz stood up from his stool and walked to the window to look out at the two graves that sat in the middle of a grassy field. "He was never the same after your sister's death. When your mom was pregnant with you we hid it from the First Order. She never came to headquarters for check ups. She stayed home and I went to her. She gave birth in the next state over. We all hid you from Snoke." 
                          
"Why?" 
                          
"Snoke killed your sister." 
                          
I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. I lowered my feet to the floor and walked over to the window to stand next to Critz. I thought about my parents and how much I really did miss them. Even if they weren't the best parents, I knew what it was like to lose a child now. I couldn't blame them for the way they raised me anymore. I understood it now. 
                          
"Your father tried to prepare you for the day Snoke found out about you. But he wasn't able to hide you long enough. Someone betrayed him and told Snoke about you." Critz looked over at me as he reached up and rubbed his thumb over my cheek. "He loved you, your father. He wanted you to grow up to be strong and independent. I didn't agree with some of the ways they treated you. But here you are. Strong, independent and a fucking Knight of Ren." 
                          
I shrugged as I looked down at my feet and sighed. "It doesn't matter. I still lost Ap'lek. I still lost my husband. And I still lost my kids." 
                          
"But you're still here. They may not be here with you but you're here with the others." Critz turned his body to me completely and smiled softly. "You can get through all of this and you'll be stronger once you reach the other side of your grief, Kara. You're a Ren now. But you were always a Walker. And Walkers are some of the strongest people I've ever known."
                          
I nodded and shrugged, causing pain to shoot through my neck. I winced in pain and reached up to rub my neck as I twisted it to try to relieve the ache and attempt to crack it.