12. Come Back

                                    

                                          
He was gone by the time I woke up but there was a note. 
See you in a month
Kaiser
Sounds like him more than he sounds like him. I went to school normally, I was home every night and I think out occasionally with Sam. Kaiser called me frequently but not as often as when he was here, sometimes he called me during school hours and would say "I do not care, I want to call you now." I swear I would hate him if he was not the sweetest person I knew. 
Kate still has not spoken to me once, Sibo and I occasionally chat but we do not talk like we used to. Today I am going to watch a movie with Sam. Our friendship is where it started. We are going on a Wednesday because we felt that we did not want the weekend traffic in the cinema. 
My parents asked that I not let him in again because he hurt me last time but we all agreed that we can be friends and just friends. My mother thinks it is a bad idea but I think it is good that Sam and I are trying to be friendly with each other. 
The rumours about me subsided a bit then someone noticed that Kai was no longer dropping me off in the morning and the mill started again "He left her for a prostitute." "She was the flavour of the week" "hopefully she got her monies worth." "What was she thinking trying to keep a guy like that" 
I ignored them all, they stung, I will not lie and say they did not because they did but I would never let it show. When the rumours started again, I was a mess and Kai heard it but did not comment on it. He just said "If you want them gone, I know a guy" I am not doubting that he knows a guy but it is high school politics. I get hurt now, I heal and we move on, they hurt me again, I heal and we all move on. 
I cried and ate ice cream for a month because I could not believe that everyone was believing the rumours. My mom and I went to get our nails done at her cousin's salon, a mother and daughter day. I am grateful for her. My dad just asked me to bring him books. 
Life was okay. I was alive but slowly dying and the only thing I felt like could revive me is Kaiser's dick, I am lying, I miss him, the way he listens and allows our environment to be a safe space for my thoughts and feelings. He said he would be here next week, I was dying to have him back into my arms again. I never want to leave them again. 
"Is that what you want to watch?" He asks as we are buying our tickets. 
"Yeah. You don't want to watch it?" He shakes his head.
"I am okay with it, just making sure you are too." We buy the tickets and our snacks before making it into the theatre. We are sitting at the back of an empty cinema, Sam to the right of me, the movie starts and there is dead silence. 
Halfway through the movie, I feel his arm around my neck. I contemplated leaving it there but that would indicate that I am okay with this, I gently put his hand on his thigh before going back to watching the movie. I inch to my left leaving as much space between us that I can. 
I feel his eyes on me but I focus on the movie hoping that he will too. 
"That was a great movie. I wish I could go back and watch it all over again." Without his arm on my neck of course but if I act like it never happened, then it never happened. 
"Yeah. You want to go get pizza or something?" He asks as we walk out. I feel like he is ignoring what happened and I am thankful. 
"Yeah, let's go to Roco Mamas," I say already leading the way. The restaurant I chose is close by because I want to go home. I want to call Kaiser because lately, it feels as though he is the closest person to me. I feel alone and misunderstood. My parents try but school and the rumours get to me, I need an escape and books do not seem long enough to hold me forever between their pages. 
We are sitting in the middle of the restaurant. We ordered our food and now we are just waiting. Sam is going on about the movie. Do not get me wrong, I loved the movie but the one moment where my space was violated is stuck in my head. I felt uncomfortable and the fact that I am here and I still feel uncomfortable. 
We finish our food and he insisted on walking me home and I figured getting away from him was important so to get this tussle over I need to let him be chivalrous. 
"So, Kamo, I was thinking, I am sorry for the shit I pulled with Lerato, I am sorry I did that to you." 
"It is okay. I forgave you a long time ago." A smile appears on his face. 
"Thank you, now I do not know how you will feel about this but I wanted to know if we stand a chance?" What the hell?
"We?" He nods before elaborating
"Me and you dating again," You would think he would get the hint. 
"I am cool with being friends with you but dating you, is a no, never again. I put myself first always and I allowed you back into my life when my mother told me not to and I see why. You think because I let you into my house you can come into my bed? If my friendship is not enough for you then go to your other friends." I turn to walk home by myself and I hope he gets the hint that I do not want his company. 
I get to my room and I charge my phone before heading to the bathroom to take a shower. 
I just need a friend, someone to cry to, someone to hold me and tell me to try it all again tomorrow. I just want peace and love. I want a friend who can love and support me and I can return the energy. 
I look at my face in the mirror. My eyes are puffy from crying in the shower but not too much. "I love you and it will all be okay, not today, maybe not tomorrow but someday, we will look back to this day and say 'Hey, we made it out' just keep holding on." I wipe my tears before heading to my room. 
Seven missed calls from Kai. 45 texts stating how he will call me again later and I better pick up before he gets someone to come and find me. Dramatic. I text him back that I was crying in the shower, he can call off the search party. 
If you ever told me that this tall man was ever going to have me smiling at missed calls I would have loved to believe you but cussed you out because I could have never imagined feeling this intensely for someone.  
I make it down to dinner with my parents. Solitude, serene, I love it here. My father makes these lame out of date jokes that only my mom gets but she has the most infectious laugh, you may not understand my dad's joke but you will find joy in my mother's laughter.