27. i haven't been eating.

                                    

                                          
Song-
Doppelganger - Lissom
A/N: Ya'll don't hate me for changing the mood here, it needs to be addressed before this book ends.
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Olivia's POV
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"You make me happy," I whisper into the kiss. 
"You make me smile," Billie whispers back.
"You wanna just make out for the rest of the day?" I ask with a smirk. 
"Y'know, I'd love to but I actually need to ruin the mood," she sighs, pulling back slightly. 
"Please no," I pout. 
"Baby, there's something that's been on my mind for a few days and you're gonna hate me for it but...but I love you so I need to talk to you about it." She moves to sit in front of me, crisscrossing her legs. 
"Okay?" This is probably about us telling our family.
"Please please don't get mad," she begs, reaching out for both of my hands. 
"I promise I won't be mad," I shake my head, holding her hands in mine, although my nerves are starting to rise. 
"So, I might be completely wrong, in which case stop me, but I've noticed you haven't been eating a lot. I'm really worried about you, I know you were scared about gaining weight..." she trails off and I find myself loosening the grip on her hands, my head hanging low. 
I take a deep breath, exhaling sharply. "You're right...I haven't been eating," I admit. There's no point in lying to her, she already knows. "Reading the words 'weight gain' on the side effects really fucked with my head." I look back up at her. 
"That's fair baby," she nods. Thank god she's not mad. "But you've been on the pills for like two and a half weeks now. The side effect would have worn off by now, don't you think?" She spoke softly and carefully but at the same time was assertive and comforting. I don't deserve her.
"But I have gained weight," I bite back. 
"Can I ask how much weight?" She asks in a careful tone as if she's walking on eggshells.
"A pound and a half," I look down with shame. 
"Angel," she lifts my head, "Your body is trying to hold onto any ounce of food you're giving it, if you ate a healthy amount you'd probably lose that again. Look, I'm not an expert, do you think you could talk to your therapist about this? I don't want you getting weak."


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Time skip; May 22, 2019
"Does that make sense?" Tracey asks after a forty-five-minute discussion about food...
"Yeah," I nod my head with a defeated sigh.
"You are still making huge strides Olivia. I don't want you to think that this is you starting from the beginning. I can see how much effort you're putting into getting better. Can I ask you one more question?"
"Mhm," I hold my knees to my chest, curled up on the corner of the couch. 
"What about hurting yourself. It's been a while since we discussed this topic. Have you been harming yourself recently?"
"Honestly no," I shake my head, "I definitely still think about it though."
"What do you do when those thoughts come to your head?"
"Umm, usually call Billie or... I use that ice thing you told me about."
"I'm so proud of you," she smiles genuinely. "You probably think I say that to everyone who steps in my office but I don't," she puts her clipboard down on the table decide her. "I feel like you're my daughter Olivia. You truly have gone through a lot in your short years of life and I can tell you never lie to me. You came in here with an attitude, expecting nothing from me, which I understand but you've listened. You've taken those steps we talked about and you are doing amazing. I just wish everyone was as strong-willed as you."