Save your tears you'll need them

                                    

                                          
Lexa
                          
She set her hand on my back to guide me to the floor as my knees buckled under my weight. I set my hand on her cheek while the other ran through her hair. It was cut shorter than I remember. My mind was reeling, trying to understand this isn't Freya. But she looked like her and even smelled like her. 
                          
These eyes staring back at me aren't hers. They held no love, no feistiness, no recognition. They were unreadable with no reaction to my touch. I had to look away. Burying my face in her shirt I let the pain out of my body. My tears soaked the fabric within a minute.
                          
The last memory I have of her now is leaving her alone in the room so that I could have food brought up. I should have made her come with me or stayed there with her. I should have been there to protect her from Titus.
                          
What is my reason for going on now? It had always been reuniting with Freya. I've failed the love of my life.
                          
"She thought about you every single day" she said. The sound of her voice stabbed at my heart. Just knowing that it's someone I grew up hearing stories about pained me. I looked up to pramheda as a child and now all I can wish for is that she wasn't here. "Living in her mind was never easy and I don't know if I ever really got to know her. But I know without a doubt she loved you more than anything" she continued.
                          
My shoulders shook as a heavy sob muffled against her shirt. After a few minutes I was able to ask the burning question, "How did it happen?" Sitting up I wiped my eyes so I could see clearly. More tears continued to stream down my cheeks.
                          
Bekka turned Freya's head away and lightly set her hand on my leg. "I cannot tell you that" she said.
                          
My face twisted into a scowl, "Why not -you were there, were you not?"
                          
"You're not ready. And I think you could be very useful but I cannot have you acting out of anger" she said neutrally.
                          
I couldn't help but clench my fists and reopen the cuts on my palms. "I am no use to any one" I spat bitterly. Getting up from the floor I paced across the room to where splotches of my blood was still on the wall.
                          
I heard her stand up as well but she didn't move any further. "This was her room" she said. Setting my hand on the wall I turned around slowly. "Before Trikova, I mean. Freya shared it with Aden" she added. 
                          
Each time I cleaned my face of tears more appeared. The pounding in my chest was getting stronger like it was building. Still I tried to keep from letting it out any more than I already have. My Hodnes is gone. My home is gone. My people are gone. There's nothing left for me. I shouldn't have fought so hard to open this bunker. At least I would still have the illusion of her alive peacefully with Anna and Octavia. 
                          
That bullet should have killed me.
                          
"Aden helped her very much through her grief" she started as she strolled to the opposite side of the room. "Of course, he wasn't successful but he was there for her. With Sirus and Anna across the hall the five of them were like a family" she said. I assume the fifth person had to be Octavia before they became enemies. 
                          
If this is how she felt I can't imagine how she continued. I always knew Freya was strong but even I didn't want to go on without her.
                          
I moved to sit on the bed and put my head in my hands. I watched the tears drip off my face to collect in a puddle between my feet. Bekka sat down on the bed across from this one. "She showed me the memory of when she saved him. She went to get him so they could find Titus but when she got to the training ground they were all day. Azegeda. They had been hiding their own nightblood that should have been in your conclave. Freya killed her before she could kill Aden" she told the story.