nico xxiii • doctor's orders

                                    

                                          
And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue?
Just between us, did the love affair maim you, too?
'Cause in this city's barren cold
I still remember the first fall of snow
And how it glistened as it fell
I remember it all too well
-all too well, taylor swift
                          
—
                          
I don't wanna do the wrong thing. I don't want to hurt anybody. 
                          
My mom had done the wrong thing. She left. And then it hurt my dad, and it hurt me. And one thing that I've realized ever since she tried to ask for forgiveness is that sometimes, you hurt someone so bad it doesn't matter how many times you apologize, all they'll think about is how you hurt them. How you could do it again.
                          
I don't want to be that person to anyone.
                          
It's like this one time when I was younger, and I was watching this comedy with my family. All I knew is that my parents erupted into laughter at one specific part of the movie, and I though I could make them laugh, too. So, I waited for that scene, and recited the words. 
                          
My dad's head snapped towards me and he scolded me, loud and firm, shouting, "Nico! Don't say that!"
                          
Apparently, I had said something wrong. Which I definitely did. I had said "fuck" as an 8 year old, the age people stop finding things you do as cute. 
                          
And so, I lost it. 
                          
I started crying, ran up to my bedroom, and locked the door.
                          
Getting in trouble shouldn't have affected me as it did, but I couldn't process that it was temporary. In my head, I had done something that could never be reversed. I said a bad word, my parents would never forgive me, and I'd have to live with what I had done for the rest of my life.
                          
It seems trivial now. And when I think about it, it's so clearly an overreaction. In the moment, however, it felt like the world below my feet would open up and swallow me whole.
                          
And that's how it felt at the Halloween party, when I learned that I still don't know how to cope with my mistakes.
                          
"She was a blonde. We were in her dorm room."

                          
"Mine was also a blonde, but it was in the auditorium."
                          
Percy's mouth widens with a grin, almost playfully. "The auditorium?"
                          
My face is slightly hot. "Yep."
                          
Percy laughs. "Geez, Nico. Not even I've hooked up during school. I mean, there was that one time after an assembly in the instrument room, but it was after school so..."
                          
I think back to what Will told me. "Huh. People really do hook up in there, huh?"
                          
He nods, smiling proudly. "The tuba cage is very roomy."
                          
I roll my eyes and lean in, across the small round table in the kitchen, and he meets me halfway. We kiss in the room full of people, not caring who sees. He wraps a hand from my neck to behind my ear and pushes into me, his tongue slipping in. Percy was a skillful kisser, that's for sure.
                          
He interlocks our hands together and pulls away, eyes twinkling. "I have to get going. My mom's expecting me. Want me to take you home?"