XXIX

                                    

                                          
F A L L O N 
                          
"I want her long, blond hair. I want her magic touch. Yeah, 'cause maybe then you'd want me just as much. Oh, I've got a girl crush."
                          
. . . 
                          
The next day, Nicholas' words are lingering in my mind. I think he was bluffing when he was talking about the trip.
                          
We can't just both disappear at the same time. Mom and dad will ask questions. And I can't just leave the country without their notice.
                          
Or maybe I can tell them that I'm going with Donia. 
                          
I shake my head, asking myself how far I'm willing to go to, what lies I'm prepared to tell. 
                          
It feels like it's been a long while since I've been alone with him, and it makes me feel pathetic how much I crave his voice and touch.
                          
Don't get attached. 
                          
"Fallon!"
                          
I halt in the hallway and turn around, surprised to see Stella heading my way. When seeing her, I feel like a hand has gotten a hold on my throat, squeezing without mercy.
                          
I feel suffocated and the panic is beginning to rise. Like someone is pressing down on my chest.
                          
"Stella," I choke out, "you're usually asleep now."
                          
"Hey," she smiles and hugs me, before letting go of me. "I know, I normally am. But I've got a lot of things to do today and I wondered if you'd like to help me? It's been a while since we've spent some time together."
                          
I force out a smile and nod. "Sure."
                          
She takes me downstairs, into the living room where all sorts of magazines and pictures are scattered out. Wedding dresses and decorations, samples of fabrics, and even pictures of cake.
                          
I can feel the blood draining from my face and the bile rise in my throat. Fucking great.
                          
"I was wondering if you'd want to look through these with me this afternoon? It'd mean a lot to me," Stella says and sends me her signature smile that has everyone agreeing with whatever she says. 
                          
And of course, I can't let my best friend down like that. You did already.
                          
"I'd love that," I whisper, wanting to pull a sour face at the lie. 
                          
We both take a seat at the table, me feeling like the biggest asshole on the planet. 
                          
Stella starts talking next to me, showing me everything and making suggestions, asking my opinion about things and whether or not she should go through with some choices. 
                          
I imagine her in a white gown, walking down the aisle with the biggest smile on her face. Her make-up is perfectly done and her eyes are sparkling with happiness. 
                          
I can see the blonde locks falling over her shoulders, creating a golden waterfall that has everyone transfixed with her. 
                          
And Nicholas' eyes fixated on her. With love. 
                          
God, I'm going to get nauseous.
                          
And I know she'll want me to be there. I know. And as her best friend, I can't fail her even though I'm already doing that. 
                          
But I'll have to stand by, with a smile on my face. Clap when they kiss after they say their 'I do'. 
                          
And I'll have to do all that knowing what I've done with Nicholas. And I know I'm going to wish it was me standing in her place. 
                          
No, I can't do this right now. I won't ever be able to do this. 
                          
I can't look at wedding decorations and go taste all sorts of cake.