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Denial: Failure to acknowledge an unacceptable truth or emotion. Used as a defense mechanism.
Sirius was in denial. Everybody knew it, they just didn't know how long it would take for him to look past his stubborn hope, and just see what they did.
You were never coming back.
It seemed like every day dragged on like a living hell. Hours upon hours of his precious time was spent by the window, waiting for your car to pull up through the driveway. Waiting for you to enter through this wooden door and tell him all about your hectic workday at St. Mungos. He would wait patiently and smile and hold you as you complained about another stupid thing a new father had said to his mid-labor wife.
"I mean, think about it! This woman went through 12 hours of excruciating pain just for this absolute MISTAKE of a husband to go 'oH I sUrE hOPe iTS sTill InTaCT' like she just pushed a human out!" You would rant, your arms flailing wildly and your chest puffing out as you tried holding in your anger. Sirius would just laugh at your frazzled expression making you look at him as if he had grown another third head.
"You're absolutely right dear, that was beyond stupid of him to say." He would agree, kissing your cheek again. And as usual, he would find a way to drag the conversation back to his future with you.
"When you're in labor, I won't be dumb like that" He would reassure with a giggle, making you smile at his adamant decision in getting married and having kids with you, as long as you wanted to, of course.
"You would be dead before I even stand up."
Just you two, warm and entangled in each other's arms like overcooked spaghetti.
As if you were still two love-sick teenagers. As if there wasn't a war going on. As if this would stay routine for the rest of his life. But that's naive thinking, he had concluded.
He still remembered the moment talking about St. Mungos made him sick.
"Mooney? What do you mean? What's wrong?" Sirius said, startled by the sight of his best friend gasping for breath as he cried. He had never seen him like this, and it worried him beyond belief.
"Y/n" Remus had whispered.
He still remembers the hoarse tone his best friend had worn that horrid night. He remembered how his voice cracked painifully as he delivered the news that would pull Sirius apart like a medieval torture device.
"JUST TELL ME GODDAMNIT!-"
"THERE WAS AN ATTACK ON ST. MUNGOS!" Remus shouted as if the words stung his tongue badly. Sirius's lip trembled, his fists balled as he scanned his features.
'He wouldn't be crying if she was alright.'
And with that realization, he felt his body buckle underneath him.
He still remembers the feeling of the cold tiles hitting his hot skin, but he was too distracted to care.
No.
No, you don't just die. That doesn't just happen, not like this. Not when you still had so much to do. Not when you still had a family and a loyal man that loved you as if it were the only reason he was on this earth.
He didn't cry for days, the shock kept him locked in his room and staring at the wall as if it would just tell him why. Why you couldn't come home and hold him as you ranted. Dead was not enough for him. He wasn't satisfied by any of it. Your funeral. Your grave. Your cold and empty closet. No, not one bit of it feeds into his dying hope of your belated return.
Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, but still, he refused to let you die.
He would continue to make two cups of tea, one for you and one for him. He would continue to read aloud, waiting for your snarky input to whatever the plot was depicting. And he would continue to ignore everyone's sad and upset gaze as he sat by the front door again.
They just didn't understand.
He would visit your grave occasionally, but not too often just because of the pure conflict it gave him.
"It's fine Y/n, Y'know? I'm alright, just as long as you come back alright? I'll give you time, b-but don't leave me hanging like this, o-okay baby? Ju-just don't....don't leave me forever. I'll give you another two months. Okay, another two months, and if you don't meet me by then, then I will just come to you, okay? I'll see you again....... I promise"
