nine

                                    

                                          
tw// strong emotional content
_ 
"The last two weeks have been difficult," Ariel opened up; his voice quivered, far from the confident tone that he was known for.
Last week, he barely said a word to anyone; for someone who talked the room off at any given day, that was telling enough.
Much has changed since last week's session. He was more engaging now, and to most, it seemed that he was back to normal. However, two people knew that he was far from okay.
Carmen bit her lower lip and looked down. She felt guilty about Ariel's somber state. Though she knew that it wasn't all her doing, she had a feeling this ran deeper than that. What she was sure of is that she contributed greatly to the torment he was feeling— if it wasn't the one to trigger everything else in the first place.
After a week of no contact, there were no explanations. They picked up right where they left off, falling back into the same pattern if only to scratch the itch. When he came over, she welcomed him in. And when he leaned in to kiss her, she pulled him closer.
It was as if that night never happened.
Only, it did.
She had become more mindful, more aware, and sensitive of him, of what he was feeling and how she could show him that she cared for him, too. It got increasingly grueling, though, as she felt him slip away from her; slowly, slowly, but constantly, as if it was inevitable and she couldn't do anything to stop it. 
She clearly struck a nerve, and it caused something else to resurface. What that was? She had no clue, even as she tried to figure it out with attempts at serious conversations with him.
Ariel dismissed her notions, chalking the difference in attitude to how tired he was because of work. That argument was invalid now, as it looks like he was finally going to share what was really happening— or at least part of it.
"I was holding a glass of scotch the other week. It was right there; it was so close that I could smell it." 
Her heart started hammering in her chest.
She did that, she was the reason for it, and a truckload of guilt hit her like lightning. 
His gaze caught hers, and he saw the look of panic. He was quick to continue the story, wanting to absolve her of whatever negative thing she was feeling. "May nangyari kaya ako nandun, oo, but it's not because I wanted the drink. Siyempre nung una, ginusto ko, pero pagkadating ko sa bar, humupa na. But, I needed to see if I was strong enough to stare at my favorite drink and not consume it." 
He was sharing the story with the goal of personal healing and finding support in the group he was with. It was never meant to make her feel bad, and he hoped that the way he phrased his sentences depicted that.
"And I saw that I was. I was strong enough, hindi ko kinailangan yung drink na 'yun. But then, another thing came into play. A few minutes later, someone swooped in and wanted to save me from drinking myself to inebriety. It was a good thing. Seeing her and being able to talk to her was a good thing. I had fun that night being able to catch up. Pero kahit na okay naman lahat nung gabing 'yon, everything came flooding in the day after."
Seeing Amelia triggered his longing for the family he once had.
He talked to his therapist about it, and he mentioned how Ariel's anxiety was highly situational. He wasn't spiraling out because of one thing, but a multitude of things combining at once. Grieving Adelaide would always be there, but he was resilient enough to handle that on its own. However, on that particular Thursday night, he was battling with his alcoholic tendencies and a broken heart above it. Seeing Amy and being reminded of the life they could have had was the cherry on top.