19. What the hell are we doing..?

                                    

                                          


                          
My vision was blurred by the tears and I felt Joel pulling me closer to him. He wrapped both of his hands around me and I held my head against his chest. The beats of his heart used to calm me down so I focused on listening that peaceful rhythm that  was carried into my ears. But the pain was still there. Even after six years it was still there with the empty feeling it left in me that night. Am I able to ever really forget that? 
                          
"Yeah.. I do think about it.. every spare minute....." I cried. 
                          
"Me too... Can't believe it's been six years already..." Joel said quietly and I felt his tears falling on me. The rose was still growing in the yard, as beautiful as ever. We never really told the guys about the rose, it was for us and it had a lot deeper meaning than anyone else could understand, besides we had to get something to respect the baby's memory. Once there was a situation when Joonas accidentally threw a ball into the rose and Joel got so mad at him because of it. Poor guy had no idea why and it took a while for me to calm Joel down before we told Joonas about it. 
                          
"Could you imagine a six year old little boy or girl running around here...." I whispered and dried my tears with my shirt.

                          
"Easily... " Joel sighed and tightened his hold on me. He was still so calm about the idea of the kid it surprised me. After all these years.
"Wonder how our lives would be then... " I said not really thinking what I just said. This moment, thinking back to the whole pregnancy and what happened, carried me away.  Feeling his body this close and crying against his chest reminded me about the night at the hospital. It was still so surreal to even think about that if things had gone better, we'd be having a kid now and we'd probably still be together.
                          
"I think it would be wonderful.. We were waiting that little one to join us.. I kinda couldn't even wait to feel the first kicks and see your belly getting bigger..." he said and stroke my back. Just that we never get to feel any. I did feel the baby inside yes, but the movements were so small and gentle that it was really hard to recognize them for me then it was even harder for Joel to feel them. And knowing that he did not feel any movement killed me. He held his hand on my stomach each minute we were lying on the couch or on the bed, just to feel even something. But the baby was too small to cause any bigger movement that would be felt through everything.
                          
"I am having hard time picturing myself with big belly" I tried to laugh a bit.

                          
"You would look so beautiful.. I never forget the way you glowed when the small bump appeared... Most beautiful thing I've ever seen.." Joel whispered. I snuggled even closer to him. He felt so good... I wrapped my hands around him too and at the moment I really loved to stay like this. It had been a while since I thought about it this deeply. The baby crossed my mind every day, especially when I saw the happy families walking around. It reminded me about it every single day and I found myself imaging me and Joel being parents, doing all those stuff families do together. 
                          
"Umh... I don't know should I but... " Joel sighed and reached into his pocket pulling out his wallet. He opened it and pulled out something from it. He then unfolded what he had in his hand and I saw an ultrasound picture of our baby.
                          
"I... I had no idea you were having that with you.." I whispered and the new wave of tears were ready to hit me like a tsunami. 
                          
"Always been with me... I mean.. I haven't been showing this around but.. I have my little angel always with me... " he swallowed and folded the picture back into his wallet. Fuck this was hard. He wrapped his hands back around me and held me so gently that it started to feel too good. The way he stroke my side, how his head was resting against mine. How good he smelt and felt and the way he was now suddenly looking me into my eyes. Those puffy blue eyes were staring straight into my puffy eyes, just as teary as mine.