17 | Punishment

                                    

                                          
January 30
'Daisy'
I hadn't seen Harry since the day after Zayn's birthday. He showed up at the cafe, insisting on taking me home, but I said no. And I told him I couldn't see him again.
I hated the way it felt like my heart felt like it dropped to the floor when I told him that, and I couldn't understand why I regretted telling him that, but I had to.
Harry came into my life and flipped everything upside down so quickly, he tried to take me out of the little bubble that I'd been living in for my entire life. 
But I had come to the conclusion that I am not a risk taker, living in the bubble is just what I'm supposed to do, so it had to stay like that.
I was surprised he listened to me though, I hadn't seen him, or even heard from him at all since then. 
And I hated the fact that every night at the club, I would find myself looking for him, or at the cafe, I was waiting for him to stroll in like he owned the place, just like he always did.
I hadn't seen James since the night Harry drive me home from the club. 
I didn't call Harry like I said I would when James came bursting into my apartment to get me in trouble for not letting him drive me home. 
But I told James that if he really wanted to get back together if he wanted the forgiveness he kept begging for, I needed space. I needed some time to myself.
I didn't see him for a week, and I felt bad saying that it was one of the most stress free weeks of my life.
I hated myself, because when I wasn't with him, I felt happier than I have for the past four years.
I thought I'd feel a lot more upset after ending a four year relationship, but I just felt guilty. I blamed myself for everything, letting myself get carried away with Harry.
I felt bad because I knew I was acting bipolar with Harry. One minute I was letting him kiss me, and the next minute I was saying that I had to stay away from him.
But it was like, when I was with Harry, I felt like nothing else existed, there would be no consequences and I could just do whatever I wanted. 
But as soon as I was brought back to reality, I knew that it couldn't be a good idea because I would only be punished.
But tonight, James showed up at my front door with a bouquet of flowers, begging me to come to dinner with him because he wanted to talk to me, and he wanted to stay friends at least.
I wanted to be able to end things on a civil note, where I didn't have to worry about him getting angry at me anymore. 
And I was glad we were doing it in a public place, because he never got mad at me when we were in public. 
And after he told me what happened to his brother, a horrible accident that resulted in his death, I couldn't imagine what James was going through, he must be so heartbroken.
So I said yes to dinner with him.
I couldn't put an end to four years of my life as quickly as that, I wanted to talk to him, try and end things on a good note.
But to be honest I wished he would just leave me alone.
And I hated that there was still a small part of me that was desperate for his approval, I did my makeup and straightened my hair just how he liked it, I could never deliberately upset him. 
So now, James and I were sitting at a table in a new pizza restaurant that he let me choose.
It was so strange, because I was never allowed to pick where we went to eat on the very rare occasions that we went out for a meal.