Epilogue -2

                                    

                                          
We drove back in comfortable silence. I took in all the huge buildings and the cloudy atmosphere. It was pretty pleasant, resting my hand on the armrest, the wind ruffling through my now grown hair, it was peaceful.
                          
The car turned into the familiar driveway and came to a halt in front of his house. "Come," He beckoned me inside. I greeted Mrs. Min and followed Jungkook to his room. Simple and plain, but cozy and warm looking.
                          
While I made myself comfortable on the chair, Jungkook searched through his drawers, and after some 5 minutes of shuffling and dropping papers, he pulled out an old brown leather diary and gave it to me. "Read it when you get back home," He said, "I think, he would have wanted you to know."
                          
By the look of it, Jungkook had already gone through the dairy.
                          
I took it and kept it on my lap so that I won't forget about it. Then we started chit-chatting. Jungkook smiled a lot and chose his words very carefully so as to not let anything slip that might lead to another breakdown episode.
                          
After an hour or so, I slumped down on my bed, in my parents' house and opened the brown leather book.
                          
Judging by the handwriting, it was Yoongi's dairy.
                          
It began from his initial college days, which were my initial college days too. The pages had an account of how I was not picking up his calls.
                          
I am getting more and more anxious with every call she ignores. I feel sad. But I also feel angry. Wouldn't it be better if she just picked up the call and yelled at me for whatever reason she is being like this, instead?
                          
I turned the page and read on. Several pages later, the entry said,
                          
Finally, she picked up. It was awkward. As if we had already been distanced a lot. It didn't sound right. I don't want to lose her, too.
                          
Lose her too. He had already lost someone metaphorically.
                          
Most of the pages were filled with his accounts of the day at college, how some professor was troubling the students, how it was getting difficult to get through, and how many girls had praised his basketball skills and asked for his number. He hadn't given it to anybody.
                          
Once in a while, I would find my name here and there, describing the little and rare phone call we had. Most of such paragraphs ended in,
                          
She dodged my question again. I don't know what I did, but she is just not telling me her reasons to leave. I won't let go so easily. I won't let go this time.
                          
One particular entry caught my attention, although I was reading all of them with the same attentiveness.
                          
Jina called me. I was in a sour mood after my recent chat with Jia. It went the same. Hi, hello, blah blah blah, why did you leave, and she changed the topic. Jia's stubbornness was getting to my head. I felt a bit good when I saw Jina's caller ID. We talked for a while, and then she asked if I talked to Jia, at which I kind of burst on her, unintentionally. Jina told me to calm down. And what she said next put pretty much of the puzzle in place. Jina told me everything she had told Jia on our high school farewell day. That was most probably that hurt her. I didn't know but I want to hear it from Jia. I want to meet her in person. If only this stupid life lets me do that.
                          
Yoongi knew about that day?! I continued reading through the pages describing how he graduated from college and was going to enlist in the military first although he had some other important things to do. The following pages described his military days. 
                          
The dairy neared its end and Yoongi's military service neared its end. And then he had noted my address in it. The address of my Banglore home. That was the last page.
                          
I turned the page and a folded letter fell out of it. I opened it.
                          
Dear no one in particular, (the starting of all the entries in the dairy)
                          
I am done with all the most important things in my life till now. And before I am forced into a 9 to 6 job that I may or may not want, I am going to look for her.
                          
I am tired of talking in circles now. I am getting irritated. I am frustrated already. But I am also impressed. I am impressed at her ability to hide it until the day she would have no choice. I am impressed by her strength.
                          
She is really very strong. And I envy her strength. I wish I was like her.
                          
Or probably I was. More or less. After all, I too had hidden a lot of stuff from her, most of which she had the right to know. I can't really get mad at her when Karma is biting me back.
                          
I am going now. To India. To find her. Whether she'll want to meet me or not, I don't know, but I can't leave her like that.
                          
I won't take my diary with me lest she found out. She has the right but I really don't want to bare myself through pages. I want to do it through spoken words.
                          
I remember the last time I saw her. At farewell. After that, I tried but couldn't spot her during the exams. Maybe she was avoiding me intentionally given the information she had.
                          
The farewell. She was beautiful. Honestly. I didn't tell her that seriously. But she was stunning. Ngl, she looked different from most of the girls out there.
                          
I am going to find her make her say it all. I'll sort everything out. No lies this time, no more secrets. I can't lose my best friend. Once was enough.
                          
I feel really bad but I can't help it. However hard I try, I'll never be able to love her the way she wants and the way she deserves. She loved me with all her heart and I just can't. I do love her. I really do. But the best friend love. I wish there was a better way to not hurt her.
                          
I am 100% sure, her sudden departure had to do something with the shit stuff I did on the farewell day.
                          
I am coming, Jia Basu.
                          
And this birthday, you'll get the best present of your life.
                          
Hope to see her soon.
                          
I board the plane tomorrow morning.
                          
Good night.
                          
With love,
Yoongi.
                          
I couldn't control the leaking tears. The flight never landed. This was his unfinished business in the mortal world. This was all he wanted to know. He wasn't at rest for two fucking years because of one stupid thing that I refuse to tell him. How could I do this to him? Was I so frecking stupid? Yeah, maybe I was. Maybe, I still am. 
                          
The one guy who meant everything to me, everything, how could I do this?!
                          
I disgust myself.
                          
It had taken me a long time to get over the guilt of his death and here he was trying to be present on my birthday.
                          
Yoongi, you hurt me in the most loving way possible. Which is worse for me given the villain I had been. I never deserved you. You were always too good for me. 
                          
There was a time back in my school days when I had lost control over myself totally. I was so lovesick, that I couldn't really think straight. He was there to knock me back to my sense. Without really caring about what it made others think. 
                          
Yoongi was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
                          
He was, is, and will forever remain special.
                          
I love him.
                          
And I miss him.
                          
Yoongi-ah...
                          
***