A monster encased in darkness

                                    

                                          
~TW~
                          
Death, Swearing, Suicide, Slight self-harm, Self-destructive thoughts and Mild gore(?)
                          
this is a vent cuz yes. some of the events in this have been changed to fit the characters as it wouldn't make sense otherwise. as well as a bit of exaggeration to make it into a proper chapter. but yeah, uh enjoy ig
                          
Ranboo was dead
                          
His own husband was dead yet he couldn't cry - he physically couldn't cry - and he hated it. He hated himself for that. Ranboo was dead and he couldn't even bring himself to cry let alone properly grieve. Of course, he grieved, just not to the extent of everyone else. If anything he should be the one who was most devastated as he was the closest to Ranboo. He knew him from the moment he joined the smp. Tubbo wished he could miss him. He really tried. He did. But in the end, he couldn't even miss his own goddamn husband.
                          
As much as he tried he couldn't mentally or physically miss him. It fucking sucked. He hated himself for being this way but there was nothing he could do. Instead, he was here, standing in the pouring rain wishing that things were different. Wishing that Ranboo was here with him. It was sudden when Ranboo died. No one expected it and no one knew what to do when it happened. Tubbo still doesn't know. He's been isolating himself. Everyone thinks he's grieving - god he wishes he was - but instead he's- they'll figure it out eventually. 
                          
The worst part about not being able to miss Ranboo was the fact he knew why. He knew exactly why he wasn't able to feel the strong emotions that everyone else can. This fact alone made him feel sick. It made him feel like a monster. He was a monster. He was a monster for not being able to cry about his own husband's death. 
                          
His hands were balled into fists as he screwed his eyes shut. The rain still bucketed down, not easing up once since he headed out. Pale orange and yellows lit up the bland sky and seeped into his vision. It reminded him of the times he, Ranboo and Tommy would watch the sunset on the bench. The memory was there, it was right in front of him but he couldn't see it. He couldn't feel it. No matter how hard he tried, he would never be back there. The concept of that moment was all he had. When he closed his eyes all he saw was pitch black. He hated it. The colour reminded him of how hollow he was. He was just a hollow monster who couldn't even miss his own fucking husband. 
                          
Not being able to miss someone sounds so fucking stupid. It sounds like some sick excuse. It sounds like he's in denial. He's not in denial. He's not in denial because he knows Ranboo is dead, he knows he's never ever going to see him again. That's why he can't miss him. He can't miss him because he'll never see him again. He can't see him. His own brain won't let him. This is why when he closes his eyes again he sinks to the ground. The black void that fills his vision is the cause for this sick hell that he's living with. 
                          
It was never a problem before it came to grief. It was fine to live with. He'd got this far right? It was supposedly not classed as a 'disability' due to people being able to live fine without it - which he understood - but when it was to the point where he felt inhumane, maybe it should be. 
                          
Tubbo was angry. Angry at himself for not being able to feel such a normal human emotion. He was able to move on too quickly. He was a monster. A monster who didn't have the right to be able to live without his husband so quickly. What would the others think of him? Surely they would think he's a monster. He'd just lost Ranboo and he couldn't even cry because of that. 
                          
The tears leaking down his face weren't even because he lost Ranboo. They were because he hated feeling so numb. They were because he'd physically never be able to see or experience anything with Ranboo again. They were because he'd be able to live a normal life and not break down suddenly due to something reminding him of his husband. 
                          
Blood trickled down his arms from subconsciously scratching at them. He wished he could stop but he knew he deserved it. Even Micheal would miss Ranboo more than him. The 5-year-old pigman would grow up without one of his fathers and still miss him more than Tubbo would ever be able to. He was moving on too fast and that was why it was better he was gone. 
                          
Once again he closed his eyes and was greeted with the black void. This time he embraced it. Fuck this. Fuck this condition, disability, whatever you want to call it. He was over it. Instead, he'd spend his days in limbo. He didn't deserve the pity looks everyone threw his way whenever he caught eye contact. He didn't deserve the mumbled apologies and the 'sorry for your loss' statements. No one knew how bad he'd gotten and no one would know why either. Everyone would instantly think it was because of Ranboo and never take it further. Because no one really knew him as well as they thought they did. Not even Tommy. Even his closest and longest friend never knew of the hell he'd kept hidden.
                          
Was it overreacting? Like hell it was. He felt so guilty, but honestly, either way, he would feel guilt. This was just the easiest. If he couldn't experience anything with Ranboo mentally, then he'd just have to go see him in person. 
                          
With the knife wedged in his chest, he let out a gasp of pain. It was still raining which caused the blood to mix with the pool of water by his knees. The black void seemed to curl around his body and drag him down with it. There was no resistance. He didn't bother. Instead, he calmed his already shallow breaths and waited till he was fully encased by void. The pain was but a dull stinging in the back of his mind. He barely even noticed as his body collapsed forward and the knife was plunged deeper into his chest. A small and forced breath of surprise was released at the sensation of the knife. His body was no longer his nor was it his concern. All he could think about was seeing Ranboo.
                          
His final breath came and went. He could faintly hear the voice of someone familiar. Someone who, moments ago, he was beating himself up over. Finally. The confinements of that hellish condition were no longer. His brain was finally set free from the black void constricting his mind's eye. He was free.
                          
for those who didn't realise what this was all indicating, it was aphantasia. aphantasia is a rare condition where you can't visualise things in your head. like the concept is there just not the actual image. 
                          
there are different levels to this but i have happen to have the worst where i just can not see visualise things in my head. if you wanna learn more about it then id definitely recommend AmyRightMeows video on it as its easy to understand and explained in a really great way. 
                          
but what i also found with it is that its a lot easier to move on from a death of a loved one or someone leaving your life. take that how you will but sometimes its really hard because you feel like you shouldn't be able to move on that quickly. 
                          
the specific thing this chapter is based around is not being able to properly miss someone. it sounds like a sick excuse but that's what makes it even worse. the main reason for not being able to miss someone is because people with aphantasia cant relive those moments shared with that person making it easier to move on. i could write an entire essay about this but that would be boring so ill stop-
                          
but yeah, that was my ramble for yall 
                          
bye bye<3