A yaksha's dilemma

                                    

                                          
*Author's note: hi! Im back from a quick break. I will be resuming to my fanfiction schedule. Gotta say bye to sleep :') but im doing this for you guys so...Enjoy~*
                          
The moment he smiled, I felt that time had stopped. The sunrise illuminating at the back gave me the chills. His warm smile and the sun showing from behind everything made him look like an angel. I felt my heart rate increasing and my face burning a little. Am I sick? A fever? I don't feel sick and my head doesn't hurt. It doesn't seem like I'm sick. But what is this weird feeling I'm getting. With my hand clenching on my heart,  It's all so confusing. 
                          
I left the place and returned to the Wangshu Inn with a burning face and a weird feeling in my heart. I went straight to my room and poured cold water onto my face and looked at the mirror seeing a face I don't recognize at all. A face flushed red and an expression way too human. Just when I was a looking at myself in the mirror, someone knocked on the door. I quickly wiped my face and opened the door. It was Aether. 
                          
"Aether?"
"Ah Xiao. Long time no see."
"What are you doing here?"
"Came to return the almond tofu you left behind."
                          
He gave me the brown paper bag that contained the almond tofu. I looked inside and it was still fresh.
                          
"The almond tofu from last time was ruined so I had to buy a new one for you."
"Why would you do this?"
"Well I promised to give you almond tofu."
"No I mean why would you go through so much trouble just to give me this."
"It isn't much of a trouble-"
"I don't get it! You barely know me and we aren't close."
"Xiao..."
"I don't understand and I don't want to understand!"
"Xiao, if there's something on your mind just tell me. I may help."
"No it's ok. You don't have to care about my business."
"But Xiao, I'm worried about y-"
"You can leave. I'm fine. I just need some time to sort all of this alone."
                          
I saw Aether's expression go down and he quietly walked out of the room. I wasn't in the mood to send him off and went straight to lock myself in the room. I sat down and stayed there thinking about these emotions I had. 
                          
I've tried my best no to reveal myself more than I have and I've avoided conversations with people so they won't know too much of me. I've always disliked human emotions and now that I'm experiencing one, I feel weird and I couldn't accept it. It's frustrating to not know what you are feeling and why are you feeling this. This isn't me. This can't be right. Wtf is this feeling. I don't understand-
                          
"Seems our adeptus had a little tantrum."
                          
I was surprised by the sudden voice. It was Morax's. I could recognize it. I turn my head back to see Morax leaning by the door, arms crossed. 
                          
"Morax? Why are you here?"
"Heard that you where having a lot on your mind so I've come to check on you."
"I apologize for wasting your time on coming to see me. I'm actually fi-"
"No you're not fine. You don't have to keep everything that's on your mind."
"I-"
"Come, I've prepared some tea when I arrived here. You can tell me when you've calmed down. Join me downstairs, I'll be waiting. "
                          
As soon as he finished his sentence he went out and I was left alone in quietness. I didn't want Morax to wait long so I quickly went down. 
                          
He was sitting at a table of two with tea prepared. We was looking at his left. There it was the view of the water and its green landscape. I sat down and put down my spear beside me. Morax turned his head towards me and lowered his gaze to pour me a cup of tea. We didn't say anything while he was brewing the tea for us two and I had nothing to say, neither does he. He took a sip of his cup and spoke.
                          
"Did something happened when I was gone?"
"..."
"Xiao, you have to tell what's wrong or I won't know what it is."
"..."
"*sigh* I know you dislike talking about yourself but if this keeps going on like this I don't think our contract will stay long."
"I've been seeing the Anemo archon."
"Barbatos?"
"Yes"
"Since when?"
"Since the day you invited him to Liyue."
                          
Morax widened his eyes as I said that. He then looked at me with concern and narrowed his eyebrows. I turned my head towards the scenery he was looking before with my head buried in my hand supporting it. We had a small moment of silence.
                          
"*sigh* I don't know the reason is but does he know your identity?"
"No. I don't think he have found out about it yet"
"Are you planning on telling him one day?"
"I, myself is not sure on what to do."
"What about your past."
"I don't know"
"What about your demonic karma?"
"I said I don't know"
"And the people you've killed?"
"I fucking don't know!"
"..."
"I- *sigh* I'm sorry for shouting... I just-"
"Xiao, what's wrong?"
"I think I'm experiencing that one feeling but it's still unclear to me. I truly don't know what I'm going to do."
"Human emotions?"
"This doesn't sound like me right?"
"..."
"I'm afraid I'll be swept away by this feeling and I won't be the same. It terrifies me how there's something I didn't ask for is happening on me."
"Xiao, if it's about human emotions, you don't need to be like this-"
"You don't understand"
"..."
"You've seen me down, you've seen me high. You should know how I feel."
"Xiao..."
"This is very hard for me. Sometimes I think of things that could end myself. To the point I don't wanna live. To think I'm living a meaningless life."
"..."
"I've said what I had to say, I'll should get going."
"Wait Xiao-"
"It's not your fault and you've did enough for me. This thing, I'll find a way. You don't have to understand and do not want you to understand."
                          
After that, I took my spear and walked away from the table. I saw Morax's face eyebrows still narrowed sitting alone. I flew away as far as I wanted. I wanted to escape from this place. 
                          
Everytime I think of that person, I feel my heartbeat increasing and I don't feel quite nice. It's very uncomfortable and suffocating. This feels weird as if I took drugs or poison. 
                          
At the end I arrived at the place where I first met Venti. That night was still fresh in my mind. I can remember our first meeting as if it happened yesterday.