Chapter 42

                                    

                                          
Doe's POV:
                          
I still didn't say a word.
                          
Neither of us did.
                          
Not one while I warmed up under his coat while we waited for Khloe and Nico to finally return from their break and we left for ours.
                          
None as I followed Xander through town to find a shop that sold what he looked to have in mind for me.
                          
And still nothing as Xander grabbed something and we were now standing in the short line to purchase it.
                          
I just left it to him, figuring that he knew what he was looking for, and he probably knew what was warmest.
                          
My clothing knowledge went only as far as knowing what looked good together.
                          
Even more of a reason to just keep quiet and let the silence eat away at me. 
                          
It's not like I didn't want to talk, but I didn't know how to even handle what I was feeling right now.
                          
It was an incredibly uncomfortable mix of guilt, shame, and the regret of my naivety all wrapped up into one.
                          
Add that one to the list of new experiences that I didn't know how to deal with.
                          
A new mix of emotions that I've never really had a reason to feel until now.
                          
The silence was brutally uncomfortable and left me just keeping my eyes down and holding myself underneath his coat. 
                          
I hadn't even looked to see whatever he was getting me because a part of me was saying that I didn't deserve it.
                          
That I had thrown a tantrum like a toddler and got away with zero repercussions. Instead, pushing the consequences onto Xander by making him look bad on top of making him use his money on me, and sacrificing his own jacket to make sure I didn't freeze to death in the meantime.
                          
I hooked my fingers against the inside seam, pulling the fabric closer to my body, that pressure in my chest feeling like it was going to burst.
                          
I knew that if I truly wanted to, I could view this whole situation as revenge. As a way to get back at him for all the shit, he's put me through because of Layla.
                          
Because of the attachment the deepest part of him grew on her, and how often she likes to abuse it.
                          
But right now, that didn't sit right with me.
                          
Not after what's happened recently.
                          
Not after he finally realized how deep the wound was with his relationship with his brother, his lies to Layla to protect me, and the hope that he was finally slipping through the cracks of the wall I tried to keep it behind.
                          
I spared a glance up at Xander from where I stood a few feet back, the fact that the discomfort of this silence was something that only I was experiencing.
                          
Throughout the entire time since he'd given me his coat, not once have I since even a hint of annoyance or anything of the sort on him.
                          
Just the same calm demeanor that his last words to me contained.
                          
And still peaking over at me every few minutes as a subtle check-in.
                          
The check-ins that I, on most other occasions, found pointless and annoying.
                          
But now it reminded me that he wasn't feeling the same emotions towards me that I was currently feeling towards myself.
                          
Even though he had every right to be, and I couldn't wrap my head around why he wasn't.
                          
It almost felt like he was just waiting... Not in an expectant way or anything, but just... patiently standing by for something.
                          
I knew it wasn't exactly hard for him to figure out my emotions, so he had to be doing that for a reason.