chapter six.

                                    

                                          
Thea was in her room getting changed, because Taylor had decided that the two of them would go and do something nice together. It was a Monday, and at the moment, it was still school hours, meaning that the city wasn't going to be as busy as it usually was. She would just have to suck it up if the cameras found her. 
She didn't know how to tell Joe. He was in the kitchen, and she just didn't know what to say. It's not the sort of thing that you ever want to have to be in the position of saying. You never have to want to say that your daughter is in so much pain that she's using the same coping mechanism that you did when you were hurting. 
"Joe," Taylor murmured. 
"Is she okay?" He asks softly, and Taylor sighed. She refuses to let herself cry. She will not. 
"Not really. It's something that we are going to have to work on, but I will tell you about it later. I am taking her out for some time together - I can't tell you before then, because-"
"I'm ready, Mom." Thea was already looking brighter, and Taylor was relieved. This wasn't going to be something they could simply... fix in a single day, she knew that all too well. It would be hard, and likely frustrating sometimes. But she knew that Thea could do it. They just had to remain patient, kind and loving. 
"Let's go!" Taylor smiled. She hid the anxiety that followed about the fact that she would be out in public, and so would Thea. She knew that it would be okay, that Thea would be okay too... but she just couldn't stop the worry. 
                          
"Where are we going?" Thea asked her Mom. Taylor glanced over at her with a smile. 
"We're going to the place where I first met your dad - well, properly that is." 
"Really? It was in New York? Right here?" Taylor was relieved to see some light in her daughter's eyes. 
"In the next block," Taylor smiled. 
"I'm so excited to see it," she exclaimed. "You've never shown me it before."
"I know," Taylor sighed. "I was waiting for the right time."

Taylor was relieved when they slipped through the doors of the cafe, when the busy streets faded into nothing but background noise. It was so strange to be back here, when all those long years ago, she had walked through that door while she was still in an abusive relationship. While she was still so unhappy. But here she was, with her daughter. 
"What would you like?" Taylor asked Thea, who was clearly studying the place, trying to imagine what it was like when her parents first met. 
"Hm?" Thea replied, distracted. 
"What would you like?"
"A hot chocolate?" Thea smiled, and Taylor ordered. The two of them sat down in the seat where Taylor was sitting. She smiled when she thought about it. It seemed like such a long time ago, and yet she could still feel it as if it were yesterday.
"I was sitting right here," Taylor told Thea. "I was doing some Christmas shopping, and I let myself stop and get a coffee." She was so relieved to see a smile on Thea's face again. "I was scared because of... Adam, the man I was with before I met your dad. I was worried about him the entire time, worried about what he would do if he found out that I was having coffee with your father. And then there he was, walking through the door, calling my name." Taylor could hear it. She could practically see him walking through the door. "And all at once, I found the edge of my little golden string."
"You said he, Adam, hurt you." Taylor hadn't wanted the kids to know his name, but the truth was that he had been such a big part of Taylor's life that she had no choice. They had to know why she woke up screaming sometimes, or why she'd panic. 
Taylor nodded with a sad smile. "He did. And I didn't feel like I had any way to escape it." She pauses. "And so I found something that seemed to work initially, but that relief didn't last forever." 
"Did Dad save you?" Thea asked with a smile. 
Taylor smiled one of her golden smiles, and nodded. "He sure did. He taught me that it's okay to feel a little broken, that it's okay to be living in the dark... for a while. Your dad helped me to find other ways of coping with the pain, and also helped me to start recovering from an eating disorder." Taylor had been apprehensive about mentioning this to Thea, but she'd decided to say it anyway. 
"You... had an eating disorder?" Thea asked, her eyes fixed on the table. Taylor noticed this.
"Yes, for most of my life."

Thea didn't know whether those words were comforting or not. Her Mom was literally the most beautiful woman in the world, and was definitely her favourite woman in the world... and she'd recovered from her eating disorder. 
"Mom," She began slowly, not knowing how to even admit what was happening. How was she supposed to? Would her Mom be mad at her?
"What's wrong?" Her mom asked softly. Thea quickly glanced up at her mother, her breaths shallow as she tried to decide whether to acknowledge the fact that she was going through something similar. She didn't want to be even more of a disappointment. "Thea, you can tell me anything."
"I think... I think..." She started. "I think that I might have an... an eat..."
"An eating disorder?" Her mother filled in the rest of the sentance, and hearing her say those words brought tears to Thea's eyes.
"I'm sorry." She murmured. Her mom reached across the table and took Thea's hand in her own. "Thank you for telling me. It's going to be okay."
"I just feel like it shouldn't be this hard," Thea admitted. "Is it always going to feel like this?"

Taylor held her daughter's hand in her own, and smiled. "It won't always feel like this. When I was with Adam, it felt like I'd never find daylight again," She told truthfully. "I thought I was fated to feel the dark. But then I met your father, and I realised that it's not forever. That darkness that you feel is not forever. Do you know why we chose the name Thea?" Taylor asked softly.
"No," Thea said. "You've never told me."
"We chose the name Thea because she is the Greek Goddess of all things light. Dawn, daylight, dusk, moonlight. We chose it so that you would always know that even in the dark, you've got yourself to pave the way. Whether through moonlight, through a speckled sunset haze, whether through a sunbeam or a firefly, light can be found. No matter what, your dad and I are so proud of you. So proud."
Thea was trying to fight off tears, because even though her parents often told her how proud of her they were, this time was different. It was all so different.
"Thanks, Mom. I'm sorry about what I said," Thea apologised. "I didn't mean any of it."
"You had a right to be mad," Taylor acknowledged. "I'm sorry that we didn't tell you. It wasn't fair of us, but we thought that we were doing the right thing by waiting to tell you. In hindsight, we should've just told you."
"You don't have to tell me everything," Thea sighed. "I just hate it when I get to school and they all laugh at me."
"They're still doing that?" Taylor asked, angry. They'd already been to Thea's teacher three times this year, and it frustrated her that it wasn't any better. 
"Yeah," Thea nodded. "They're so mean."
"Leave it to me," Taylor told her. "I'll get it sorted."
"Dad's leaving tomorrow," Thea sighed. "Will we see him at Christmas?"
"Of course we will, we are flying over to see him." Taylor smiled.
"Really?" Thea exclaimed. 
"But you can't tell the others, because they get way too excited about flying, and then I'll be lucky if they sleep ever again."
Thea laughed, and Taylor smiled. She felt like she'd finally gotten somewhere with her daughter, and they'd finally be able to start to work together to help her.
"Come on you, we'd better get ready for iceskating."
Thea was so excited for practice today - they were learning a new routine, and she couldn't wait. When she was on the ice, her mind was silent. It was as if she was skating on an abandoned lake in the middle of a forest in Sweden, as if there weren't anyone there to distract her.
And the fact that she'd finally gotten to do something normal with her Mom made her very happy. Finally, they'd done something nice. Finally, they'd done one of the things that all of her friends seemed to do. 
"Thanks, Mom." Thea reached out and grabbed her Mom's hand when they headed back to the car.
"You can tell me anything, Theabear."
"Mom," Thea groaned, "I've told you that you can only call me that at home!" She smiled.
Taylor laughed. "Okay, okay. I'll remember next time, I promise." 
Thea knew she wouldn't, but she smiled and believed her anyway.