39

                                    

                                          
They sat down under a tree in the Mount Emily Park, one of the very few places you could get some privacy outdoors in Singapore. 
Being too emotional wasn't good either, it would be considered as inappropriate, but Brett couldn't breathe inside, this was impossible to speak about indoors.  Yet too shitty to talk about around people.
This park was a little gem though, and today it had been raining heavily, so most people stayed inside. 
Eddy believed they were as good as all alone in the whole park, which was perfect. 
Brett tugged up some of the grass in front of him, ripping every strain in to small pieces, before letting them fall between his fingers.
Eddy had been aching all the way for what Brett had to tell, but he had to be patient.  
-I've never worked this hard for anything my whole life, Brett started.
-Same!
It was kind of dark under the well-grown tree, full of leaves the ground was dry under it. 
Eddy could see how Brett's face got lit up by some of the warm lights from the apartments nearby, and he could see a tear on his cheek. 
-This is... SO hard to talk about,  Brett tried again.  -I don't know if I... can... do it.
He was sighing and deep-breathing several times in one sentence, feeling like his throat was thickening, thightening, and making it way too hard to breathe.
-Take your time. I'll be here, Eddy said, resting his hand on Brett's,  which was still ripping up grass.
-Sex to me is... God, I can't breathe! Brett gasped. 
-It's ok. You're breathing. You want me to sit closer to you? 
-No! Please don't! I need... air.
-Ok. Eddy smiled one of those warm, friendly ones, those which made Brett want to run away and ask Eddy to marry him at the same time.
-It's.... It's... sometimes I wish he made it painful to me, you know? That way it would have been... painful. And it was. In one kind of way,  but.... 
Most of all it felt good. I was... thankful in a way of what he did to me. Because I was the only one. As far as I knew.  It was... some kind of.... bonding... I don't know.
There was a pause.
Eddy was confused and left with so many questions, but he didn't dare to ask them. He didn't even dare to move, not even breathe himself, this moment was SO special. And fragile. Brett was speaking!  He was terrified of ruining it. 
Brett leaned back in to the treetrunk, his eyes staring up at the green, huge crone of the tree over him. There was no breeze. The nature itself was holding it's breath as Brett was opening up, finally. 
Brett's eyes overflooded with tears, small rivers running down both of his cheeks, Eddy wanted so badly to bend forward and stroke them away,  but he couldn't.  He couldn't move. He couldn't risk Brett closing himself off again. There was a new side of his love right in front of him  a small, tender one, which Eddy had never seen before.  It was... magic, all though what Brett told was heartbreaking.
-He gave me my very first orgasm. And some years later,  when I got old enough, he made me cum. My very first time. And it felt... good. All though I knew something was very wrong about it. It made me hate my own body. It betrayed me. He... told me I was the one doing everything wrong. That I was the one to get punished, VERY HARD  if someone found out about it. 
Once he.... he...
Brett looked at Eddy, his eyes were so different! Open, wide, black... 
Eddy had never seen his love this vulnerable, this broken, and yet so beautiful at the same time.
Still he didn't dare to move,  not even blink, fearing this would only be a dream and he would wake up. 
-He... forced me to go down on him in the boys'room. That was the worst, when he made me do that. Which he did a lot of times. He was... too big, I couldn't breathe.  And.... 
Brett gasped again.  -He made me gag a lot but he didn't care, I think he... liked it. And yeah, well... when everything was at it's worst,  when I almost thought I would die, when I cried and wanted to... die for the most, then he touched me. In that way. And... that was... the good part of it, like... a... reward, I don't know. 
And... I came. Which meant I liked it. He told me several times. I liked what he did to me. I loved it, he said.  Thats why I came. And that was so SO wrong.  I was... there was something wrong with me, he was just helping me. And he told me if I told anyone, my parents would disown me. They would never ever want to have someone that... perve, a freak, in their house. And I believed him. Of all my heart. It sounded reasonable.
Eddy felt how his whole body was protesting against this. He couldn't hear anymore of this shit,  he couldn't take it... he couldn't... Brett shouldn't be having this! Something was bubbling inside. He managed to swallow it down.  It tasted awful.  Eddy was about to throw up. 
Brett tilted his head back again, looking up at all the green again.  It somehow felt safer, getting away from Eddy's warm, kind eyes.  There wasn't any place for anything warm and kind now. Not here. Not where Brett was now. 
-Every time he forced me to continue the whole day at school having all the sticky shit between my legs, on my clothes... he didn't even allow me to clean myself up. 
I know this sounds weird, but at the same time he banned me from telling anyone, he told me everyone would see what I had done. They could see, from the clothes and everything. And everyone would hate me. Everyone would think I was disgusting.  And I believed that too. It sounded reasonable too. 
I was SO ashamed! I had to keep by myself. Because I was disgusting,  stinking... I was! 
Eddy couldn't hold it back anymore.
When Brett was pausing, breathing shiverly, drying his own eyes, Eddy had to speak up.
-Nobody saw anything Brett. Nobody knew. If anyone did, then FUCK THEM for not doing anything about it! They should have killed that  shithole, as a start! 
Brett shook his head.
-I think I... cared about him in a weird kind of way, you know? 
-No. No, Brett,  thank God, I don't know! And I don't get it! 
-You don't have to understand! You can't  get this! Because it is... not possible. And you don't have to! Just listen! 
-You're right.
-I kind of felt special. I felt loved. At least that was what I thought it was. And it was terrible! I... don't know any other ways to... make love...
Eddy was having black spots in front of his eyes.  
-Brett! He grabbed him by his leg. Probably way too hard, but he didn't care. At least Brett looked at him.
The eyecontact was deep as Eddy told Brett what had to be told:
-What he did to you... that was ABUSE. All right? That has NOTHING to do with sex! And that has NOTHING to do with what I want to do with you! 
-Do you think I'm disgusting?
-What the fuck?! What on earth make you even ask me that question! OF COURSE NOT! 
-Because of what I did... I did stuff too you know...
-You were a kid!! What HE did to you, that was disgusting,  yes. The thought about a grownup doing something like that... it makes me sick! 
-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you.
-If anything,  you should have told me earlier! I wish I knew! I wish I knew you from the start,  I wish I... knew that little boy you were...I would have looked after him. I would have....done anything to make you feel safe! 
-Now you have to deal with a guy who's fucked up.
-I don't see it that way. I'm forever thankful you let me know you a little better. Thank you love! 
Finally,  Eddy could let himself lean towards his love and wipe away his tears.
-We're gonna fight this shit together. We're gonna fix this. I swear.