Seven

                                    

                                          

Kissing her, she soon realizes, would be as good as admitting everything she knows in her chest, so she refuses it, buries her head into the pillow beside Jennie's head and just works her hand between Jennie's legs until she moans against her ear and shudders with release.

"Better?" she whispers after a few moments and Jennie's eyes flutter exhaustively as she nods in response.

Lisa strokes her hair from her face again and reaches for a blanket, pulling it over her. Jennie smiles and tugs at her arm, pulls her close to her and doesn't look surprised when Lisa turns her face away so that Jennie hits her cheek instead.

"Thank you," she whispers and Lisa's stomach churns. She doesn't want Jennie to ever say thank you for that.

She shakes her head and kisses the back of Jennie's hand, sits with her until she falls asleep and then leaves, wondering if she can do this.

//

She's still not sure if she can do it when it happens again a week or so later, or again a couple more days after that. Whenever Jennie taps her on the knee and tells her that her back hurts, it makes her spine tingle and she nods in understanding.

She spends the night easing the ache of the knots in her back before she rolls Jennie over and eases the ache between her legs.

They don't speak and, slowly, the more and more it happens, the harder it gets to just hover above her and mechanically do the things Jennie needs.

She finds herself wanting to kiss her; she finds her other hand clutching at the sheets as she desperately tries not to wrap Jennie up in her arms and make love to her; she finds her teeth biting at the pillows to stop herself from moaning but she's still sure that Jennie already knows that's what she wants, no matter how much she tries to hide it.

She slowly begins to do things and Lisa knows that she's trying to make her give in. Her fingers stroke up and down Lisa's back, low and high and then tease at the sides of her breasts. She moans her name in her ear, begs things from her that guide Lisa's movements, asking her to go faster or slower or deeper. She presses her mouth against Lisa's shoulder and clutches her closer, pleading her not to stop.

It goes on for weeks and her world shrinks to nothing other than leaving for hours and driving aimlessly-occasionally buying the weird foods Jennie is craving that week-while she is asleep and waiting for the moments when Jennie taps at her knee and tells her that her back hurts. 

It's driving her crazy.

//

It gets harder when Jennie hits the thirty-four week mark. It's late November and they're snuggled up on the couch. Lisa has her head nestled in Jennie's lap and brown eyes are watching her curiously as she faces Jennie's bump instead of the TV.

Over the past few weeks, she's felt her resolve beginning to loosen, her need to keep her distance disappearing. She likes being close to Jennie, she just doesn't want them to slip and fall into something that could hurt them both in the long run.

"My head can barely fit on your lap anymore," she comments idly. Jennie smiles and reaches down to lift her shirt up over her bump. Lisa doesn't pause before she's pressing her nose against it and playfully crossing her eyes. "It's very intimidating."

What she doesn't expect is a swift kick to the nose from the small person inside of Jennie, obviously disgruntled by the accusation. Lisa gasps while Jennie laughs.

"I think someone heard that," she giggles.

Lisa reaches up, overwhelmed, and presses her hand to the side of Jennie's bump, stroking there gently for a few moments before sighing and closing her eyes. A smile falls onto her lips and she breathes out shakily, trying to calm down. There are so many things she wants this tiny person inside Jennie to hear that she has no right to say.

She kisses the bump without even thinking, lingering there until she sees the flash of a camera somewhere above her. She turns, barely, to find Jennie with her phone.

"Sorry," she says with watery eyes. "I just..." Lisa shakes her head. She doesn't care. She likes it. Jennie softens. "Can I take one more?" she asks.

Lisa nods and turns back to the bump, closes her eyes and presses her lips to Jennie's skin like she's done it every day that the tiny thing inside of her has existed. She wishes she had. She keeps kissing over it, over and over again, loving the flutters of movement against her mouth from beneath. Jennie's hand tangles in her hair after a while and pulls her away.

Lisa looks up, confused.

"Now kiss me," Jennie mumbles, tugging upwards. "Me now."

Lisa sighs and shakes her head. "I can't, Nini" she whispers. "I can't do that."

Jennie's face falls at the nickname and she shudders. "Then touch me," she whispers. "Please."

Lisa doesn't need to be told twice. She nods and doesn't even really move, just helps Jennie to shimmy out of her pants and underwear before removing her shirt. Jennie pulls off her own and then Lisa twists her, making her more comfortable on the large couch before she drifts her hand down between Jennie's legs and begins to touch her with practiced ease.

She kisses her bump, just because, listening to Jennie's moans that, after a while, start to sound like sobs. She looks up in shock and then goes with it when Jennie tugs her up to her face and rests their foreheads together. It takes Lisa's breath away.

"Kiss me," she begs around a whimper. "Please, kiss me."

Lisa shakes her head and Jennie chokes out a louder sob, tears rolling down her cheeks. Lisa keeps her fingers moving and hates herself a little bit for not being able to give Jennie what she wants.

She kisses Jennie's nose, hoping that it'll help, moves down her cheeks to her jaw and her neck when it does. She sighs in relief and her hand scratches at the back of Lisa's neck, urging her on. Her other hand covers Lisa's, and then it drifts between Lisa's own legs and then she's cupping her through her sweats. Lisa rocks into it with no control and moans against her skin, loving the sigh of relief that escapes Jennie's mouth because of it.

"I love you, Lisa," Jennie whispers and it's sudden how everything suddenly becomes about her, how little Jennie seems to be caring about the hand between her legs in favor of moving her own fingers with more fervor between Lisa's. "I love you."

Lisa chokes out her own sobs and nods against Jennie's skin, gasping when Jennie's hand slips beneath the barriers of her clothing and against moist skin.

"I love you," Jennie whispers, over and over again. "I love you, I love you."

Lisa doesn't say it back, but when her entire body snaps and breaks harder than she can remember it doing before, she doesn't really need to.

//

They don't talk about it. Jennie doesn't touch Lisa again and Jennie shows no signs of wanting to be touched in return.

Lisa's not sure she needs her to do that anymore.

Instead, they spend the remaining weeks of Jennie's pregnancy holding each other without talking about it, barely dressed and as close to each other as they can with Jennie's bump in the way.

Lisa knows that she's given up. She knows that it was always hopeless to try and stay away in the first place and clutches at Jennie, suddenly terrified she might leave her. The only thing she has now is the worry that Jennie's fear might return and she might get left behind.

That's why she doesn't tell her she's in love with her again, even though the words burn on her lips hotter than anything else. She just looks at Jennie, their noses squashed together, their hands holding each other's over Jennie's bump, and waits for the day when Jennie tells her "you can't" again before everything's taken away.

She ignores Jennie's hand when it presses to her cheek, when her eyes look so dark and full that Lisa feels like she might fall into them never to return, and pretends that she doesn't hear Jennie whispering to her that she loves her.

Still, in her head, every single time she says it, Lisa's subconscious whispers back what the entire universe knows she wants to say.

I love you, too.