Chapter 58

                                    

                                          

                            
                              
                                
                                
                              
                            
                            
                          
                          
'You live your life, you go in shadows
You'll come apart and you'll go black
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what's not there'
                          
~Fade into you ~Mazzy Star 
~I'll tell you when to play the song <3
                          
Harry Styles 
                          
Three years ago 
                          
I was sitting in my bed looking out of my window watching the sunrise . Listening to my breathing and Kara's next to me because she demanded that she slept in my bed tonight - well last night . 
                          
I was leaving for America today to start and NYU in a few weeks . Freshman orientation is in about a week but Regina thought I should get to know the city a little bit before I started . 
                          
I agreed because it wasn't like I was leaving from Pennsylvania to New York . I was leaving for a different country . 
                          
I would be lying if I said I wasn't terrified because I am . Every aspect of my life is going to change and one very important one won't be there anymore . 
                          
I got roomed with this kid named Louis I think I only gazed the letter quickly when I got it . I was so nervous just of everyone aspect of it that just because I wasn't thrown out or my scholarship wasn't revoked I didn't pay attention . 
                          
I can't believe I'm actually going to leave my family . I'm fine leaving my mom - she doesn't even know that I'm a father much less that Kara exists . 
                          
A few nights after Kara was home from the hospital ,I snuck back into my own home and gathered all the things I could in the shit amount of time I had .  
                          
She hadn't tried to contact me nor I have her . She's not worth knowing me anymore or knowing Kara. She's the most beautiful, sweet girl I've ever had the pleasure of knowing . 
                          
She looks so much like her mother sometime it throws me off . I have so much hatred for Genevieve . She left her baby right after delivering her due to complications that could have been prevented. But no she had to snort all that coke while pregnant . 
                          
I thank the stars everyday that Kara was as healthy as any seven month old delivered baby could be . Watching her in that little cubicle for days that turned into weeks making sure her breathing was steady was the worst moments of my life . 
                          
Her tiny chest - shaking with every breath and  my heart stopping and waiting to beginning again to make sure the breath was complete . 
                          
I've never known that kind of love and devotion and nervousness for something or someone in all my eighteen years .  
                          
It feels like that feeling again now with her tiny hand clutching my finger knowing when she wakes up I'll have to leave her . I plan on visiting but I don't know when that would be exactly . 
                          
I know that as soon as I land in a different country and know that she's not next to me holding my hand I'll break . Even though now that she's forming memories and none being that I'm  her father , I still play a significant role in her life . So does Kara and her son Kai. 
                          
She believes that they will get married when they are older and we will be family for life weather we like it or not . 
                          
Kara - well older Kara is another one who convinced and pushed to go to a university out of the country and continent .