Chapter 30: Daryl's Return

                                    

                                          
Trigger warning: child Loss
When I come to, I'm exhausted and can barely open my eyes. I start to stir in the bed and I hear Enid comment, "she's waking up."
"Is she alright?" I hear Daryl's voice. Enid must nod or mouth something to him because I hear Daryl say, "iight, let us have a minute."
"She lost a lot of blood, she's tired. Don't push it."
Enid tells him, and she leaves.
Daryl stands at the foot of the bed with his eyes down on the floor. I adjust myself on the bed to sit up more before asking, "how long have I been out?"
"Probably 13 hours or so." He returns.
I ask next, "what happened.. where's.."
Daryl fills in the words for me, "our baby?" I look up to his eyes and we lock on one another. I nod my head to confirm that's what I'm wondering. He doesn't lose eye contact but he walks closer to my side. He grabs my hand, and says, "stillborn. I'm sorry."
Tears instantly sting my face and I try everything I can do to not cry in front of Daryl. Except it doesn't work, and I start to ball after a few seconds of trying. I curl my legs up into my chest and wrap my arms around myself. The pain is so deep, I barely even realize Daryl sitting next to me and wrapping his arms around me. However long it takes for me to cry, Daryl stays and holds onto me through it. When I am done, he hands me a box of tissues and just waits. I wipe my nose a few times and ask him, "was it a boy or girl?"
He shrugs one shoulder, "didn't ask. Figured we could find out together. That is if it is mine."
"Are you really going to do this to me right now?" I huff out in a tired breath, too exhausted to get really angry at him .
He shakes his head, "how come you didn't tell me? What was your plan? To spring it on me when I saw you with a kid?" He questions.
I shake my head, "I can't do this right now. I get why your upset, but now isn't the time."
Shockingly, he nods and agrees, "your right, I'm sorry."
"Do uhh.." my breath catches in my throat, my stomach knots and my voice quivers, "do you wanna find out with me?"
"Iight" he agrees, moving away from me to tell Enid.
Daryl and I stay in the room together silently until Saddiq comes in. He keeps looking between the two of us, never holding eye contact for very long, "Enid tells me you wish to know the gender?" He asks to confirm. I nod and Daryl just stands there, putting his hand over mine. He tells us almost in a whisper, "it was a girl."
The tears come on like a waterfall as I mourn the loss of the little girl growing inside of me. I must cry myself to sleep because when I wake up, Saddiq is gone and Daryl is resting across the room with his head down. "What are you still doing here?" I ask him when he wakes up from hearing me come back from the bathroom.
"I uhh.. I wanna say I'm sorry." He stands up, helping me back to the bed.
"For what?" I ask, wanting to know if it's for leaving me or refusing to come see me.
He replies, "not comin' to see you. This must've been what you wanted to talk about."
"Yea." I simply return.
He asks me, "why didn't you come to the sanctuary?"
I shake my head, "you think if I made a trip to the sanctuary you would've seen me?"
"Naw, probably not. Probably would've left  out the back while you were there waiting' for me." He answers honestly.
"Exactly" I add, "I was not keeping it a secret from you. You just didn't want to hear from me."
"If I had known.." he goes to say,
I interrupt him, "that I was pregnant it would be different? Why? Why does the lose of our baby make you care again? Huh? Because up until yesterday, you didn't care about me anymore. A kid doesn't magically make you change how you feel about someone."
"When I got here, you weren't out of the woods yet. You had a 60/40 chance of surviving that labor and I had to sit and wait and see what side was gon' win." He argues, his voice shaking, "seeing you almost die, especially over something so stupid we did, was a real eye opener Sadie-Mae. And I'm sorry."
"Yea, you said that before." I remind him.
"I'm sorry I made you doubt yourself so much you felt the need to hurt yourself again. I'm sorry you went through what you just went through alone, and I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner. But I'm here now, right now, for as long as you want me to be." He opens up, coming back over to the bed and kneeling down next to it.
I shake my head, annoyed, relieved, happy and angry to hear what he is saying right now. I turn my back to him and just mutter, "I need to rest."
I can feel him stay there next to me for about 5 minutes before he leaves the room completely. I let myself cry again, cry until I can't cry anymore. Daryl comes back at some point and just sits at the end of my bed, resting his hand on my ankle. When I'm done, and it's been a few minutes, Daryl comments "they wanna bury her tomorrow, if you wanna.." he trails off not finishing the sentence.
"She needs a name." I say to him, knowing I need her to have a name.
He asks, "you pick any out already?"
I shake my head, "was hoping you'd come around and we can name her.." I start to cry, but manage to choke it back and finish saying "name her together."
"Well I'm here now.." he whispers to me and I nod, trying to regain myself again.