Clear talk

                                    

                                          
Y/n POV 
Almost three weeks passed and we still haven't left the safe house. Wanda is really trying her best to be there for me but I still fell like shit even though she eases the pain I'm in. I haven't really opened up to her since the fight we had about her entering my mind and seeing stuff she shouldn't see. Wich i am still mad about but i can imagine how it feels to be in her situation. I was getting ready for the day as I got a call from Nat. We talked almost every day when we could. I am also not opening up to her completely but I am trying my best to be open about my current situation and feelings. „Hey Bestie how's it going?" I asked as I picked up the phone and put it on speaker so that I could get ready. „not really sparkly back here." she answered and I stopped in my track falling into a loop of anxiety. „What is it? Is everyone alright?" she cleared her throat trying to gain time to collect her words. „So far everyone is good but it won't last long." my anxiety grew because she was talking around the bush. „Nat i Love you but can you come to the point I am getting really worried about this call." she hummed yes and kept talking „Well we still have Secretary Ross on our neck. He's not letting loose and there are some issues with that." 
I furrowed my brows not really knowing what will come. „He wants you behind bars... wich isn't knew to us but he seems like he will get you behind bars." 
My heart race picked up on thinking back to a cell. 
I didn't answer I just let her talk. „He said some messed up shit Y/n wich brought everyone to thinking." „and what exactly does this asshole want?" she chuckled dry at my insult. 
„He said and I quote ‚if you don't hand me Y/n Stark over I will bring all of the Avengers behind bars, and I have the Power to do do because you all have done some stuff that would bring you into prison for a lifetime.' so yeah..." a lump builded up in my throat as she said those things. There was silence on both of our lines. I was thinking on surrendering. 
„Maybe I shou-." Nat cut me off not letting me finish what I wanted to say. „Don't you dare say that Y/n. 
You are not handing yourself over." 
„But Nat...this is the only Choice with the least damage." my heart was aching on what I need to do. 
„No Y/n you won't take everything on you again. You've been through to much and I will not let this happen. Don't plan on anything stupid is that clear.
We will find a way where nobody needs to be in prison." I let out a big sight because this was stressing me out again. I leaned back into bed placing my hands on my face to focus. 
„Wednesday 6th of May. Safe house. 9.30am." I was talking out loud trying to remember where I am and what time it is. I was repeating them to myself and I assume that Nat heard everything. „Y/n? Hey Are you There what's going on?" I couldn't answer. I felt how my chest got tighter with every breath I was taking. „Wednesday 6th of May. Safe house. 9.30am." I repeated again and again and again. 
„Hey Y/n I wanted to ask what you want for break-." 
I heard a second voice wich was way to familiar. 
„Hey Y/n what's going on." Wanda sat down next to me taking a hold of my shoulder. „It's too much Wanda. I-I need to but I d-don't want to." 
I was rambling some stuff wich she didn't understand. „Y/n hey Wanda is that you? Somebody better fill me in on what is going on." Nat's voice appeared again sounding worried. Wanda grabbed the phone and placed it next to her. „Nat it's me Wnads. Y/n is having a panic attack. What lead her into this?" Wanda asked concerned. „We we're taking about Secretary Ross and his threat against the team. We talked about prison and the possibility's." I felt how Wanda's grip tightened as she heard The Name Secretary Ross. She hates him. „Okay stay on the line I will handle it with Y/n. Just give us a moment." she said putting her attention back to me. „Okay bubs I need you to take in a Deep breath alright. Do it with me in... and out..." I focused on her words and instructions trying to follow. „Come on we will get you through this okay. What day is it?" she asked me trying to distract me. „Wednesday... 6th of m-may." she nod yes and stroked my shoulder still holding onto me. 
„Good, good, and what Time is it?" she asked me and I looked at the clock. „9.40am." she smiled softly still taking in deep breaths with me. „Super. Now where are we right now?" I looked around taking in my surroundings. „S-safe house. With you in my r-room on my bed." she giggled and her laugh distracted me more bringing me back to reality. „You do it great bubs. You wanna sit up straight?" she asked me and I nod yes taking in a deep breath once more. 
She helped me get up and I put my back onto the headboard while she sat with crossed legs in front of me. „Okay so you wanna talk about?" I glanced at her not knowing if I can talk about it again. 
„Well...I." she noticed how I struggled so she stopped me mid way talking. „Hey it's okay. I am sure Nat can fill me in on it." I looked down at the phone and saw that Nat was still holding the line. 
„Yeah Sure i can. Are you good again Y/n?" she asked „yeah I will be thanks. It just happens a lot recently." Wanda looked at me concerned probably not knowing that I had more than one panic attack in the last three weeks. „So i guess I will fill you in on it." she began talking and Wanda was really mad at this Situation. 
                          
After Nat's explanation she glared at me probably sensing that something was off about my behavior. 
„Thanks Nat I appreciate you're effort on keeping us updated. Call us again if something happens okay." Wanda was starting to end the call. „Yeah Wands Sure i will. I hope to see you soon love you guys." 
„Love you too." we both said synchronized and Wanda hung up putting the phone aside. 
„So... I can sense that something is practically screaming in you're mind. Those are really loud thoughts so I'd be reliving if you would fill me in on them." I couldn't say no this pleading question. I was hesitated to tell her but I guess I have to or else she will read my mind. „Well... I was thinking on handing mys-." she held out her hand to motion me to stop. „No Y/n don't even go there with You're mind. You are not giving up and walking into the arms of the government." She looked mad at me and I hate seeing her like this. Mad because of me. 
„Please just let me finish okay." I feel like her eyes scanned me for some reason. She just nod and let me start to explain. „First of all I won't let anyone of you get in danger or become a target just because of the things I've done. Second I think I deserve to be in prison for a while because I killed a bunch of people okay wich I am obviously not over and never will be. We can think of a plan so that I don't have to be to long in it and you guys can get me out." Wanda just shook her head in shock. „Are you listening to the things you say right now? Because I don't think you do. You can't be serious Y/n." I shrugged my shoulders „do I look like I am joking?" she let out a dry chuckle and talked further „Are you insane? You literally had a panic attack five minutes ago about being back in a cell and you tell me that you want to hand yourself over? Y/n this will be a high security prison god know what they are doing there to you. I've been there and I sweared to myself that I will never set foot on this place or will never let a person I love go there. You are literally giving up right now don't do that." tears filled our eyes and I could hear how it got harder to talk for her. „I am not giving up. I am giving in." she shook her head wiping her tears away. „This isn't giving in Y/n. You are literally throwing you're life away." I wiped my tears away with my sleeve. „I just don't think I deserve anything else. It's over for me. My journey is over." I felt how my heart broke and so did hers. She took in a sharp breath at my answer wich she didn't expect. „Is that what you really think? That you don't deserve any better? Because guess what... you're wrong. You deserve everything good in this world and so much more but you don't want to see it or take it. Because obviously you have people who care for you so damn much. 
I fucking love you and it hurts me to see you like this. It hurts to know that you are giving up but there is so much more worth to live and I don't wanna do it in a world without you. So open you're damn eyes and don't throw You're life away." my tears rolled and they didn't stop. God I don't know what I did to deserve her. „So what Are we gonna hide in this safe house forever? Because I can't do that and I don't want to lose anyone else of the team." 
She came closer taking my hand into hers and squeezing them tight. „You won't be loosing them. They can handle themselves and I don't think it will last long for us to be here. I just don't want you to think about that ever again okay. I would tear the world apart just for you. So there is something worth to live." and my eyes landed on her. „You." I said under my breath and she smiled softly. „Not just me bubs. Every single day is worth to live. Being on this earth is a gift no matter how hard you're life might be at the moment. After the Storm comes the sun and it might take some time but it will come believe me. I wanna see every sun rise with you every sunset and I wanna stargaze. 
You are my sun wich I didn't notice at first. I thought that it was over for me too after i lost my parents and Pietro. But after years you came around and flipped my life upside down." I cupped her face stroking the tears away that were floating down while she poured her heart out. I wish I could do the same because I love her too. But I don't feel ready... probably because when I will say it that it will come true and I don't know if I can't handle that now. I mean I can't even put my mind at ease with all the trauma and a relationship would be way to overwhelming. 
„you know I wanna show the same affection to you but I don't know if I am ready. I mean I want this. I really do. But I want it to be right and I want it to be real. I need to be in the right mindset for this and if you don't want to wait that's fine. I want you to be happy even if it's not with me." She shook her head no and kissed the palm of my hand as I still held onto her face. „This is silly Y/n. I will wait for you. 
I am here to stay, and you don't have to rush anything I just want you to know how I feel. You will tell me if you're ready that's fine." I smiled at her slightly accepting the love she gives me. 
„Promise this is forever." We leaned out foreheads against each other and she whispered. 
„We will be forever. Promise." and her words felt like a warm hug on a cold day.