Thirty nine

                                    

                                          
Songs to listen to:
The only one - Sam Smith
Stay with me - Sam Smith
Hotel Ceiling - Rixton 
Not about Angels - Birdy
                          
I aimlessly walk around the city in the freezing cold trying to figure everything out. 
I end up walking into a coffee shop and sitting in the corner slowly sipping away. 
"Excuse me ma'am we're about to close." A young girl behind the counter says. I look at the time on my phone 9:08. I'd been sitting there for over an hour.
"Right. Sorry. Have a nice night." 
I leave a five on the table and walk outside and look around. 
I see a few cabs and I call one, trying to get home. I tell the driver my address and I sit in the cab silently as the car drives me across town.
The driver pulls over at my building but I stay in my seat.
"That'll be 10 bucks sweetheart."
I give a small smile.
"Yes thank you." I hand him a 10 and hit back in my seat.
"Miss. You need to get out of the car now."
"Right, right. Sorry."
"No problem. See ya kid."
I get out of the cab and look up at the building. 
I slowly walk inside and take the stairs. By the time i get to my floor I'm out of breath and tired.
                          
I walk in and Eli's already in bed, watching TV.
"Hey babe. Where were you? I was starting to get worried."
"I was at the restaurant. Then I went to get some coffee. Sorry." I says mono toned.
I walk over to the closet and strip out of my clothes for the day and put on a long Tee shirt and pajama shorts.
"What's wrong, Jules?" Eli asks. He puts his hand on my shoulder and I tense up.
I sit on the bed cross legged and pick at my finger nails.
"Julia." Eli puts both his hands on my shoulders so I had to look at him. 
We stare at eachother for a long time.
He finally sighs. 
"You saw him. Didn't you..."
"Saw who?" I ask but we both know who he was talking about.
"Don't play dumb Julia, I know you saw... I can't even say the b@st@rds name... I know you saw Calum." He got out of bed and began to pace, only wearing his boxers.
"It's not like that, Eli." I say quietly.
"Then really? What's it like then Julia? Are you... Are you cheating on me?"
"What? No! You're being ridiculous Eli just let me tell you what happened!"
"Really? I'm being ridiculous? Me? Well sorry my bad. But when your girlfriend meets up with her ex like that and comes home not even being able to look at me I have my suspicions." 
"ELI! WOULD YOU SHUT UP?" We were both standing and pacing and shouting.
Eli's nostrils flare but he lets me talk.
"Calum was bothering everyone at my work asking for me. I left, saw him, we talked. That's all. I swear."
Eli sits on the bed, facing away from me. 
A silence fills the room that was too deafening to bare.
"E... Say something." I say.
"Are... Are you still in love with him."
He doesn't turn around when he asks this but I shake my head slowly.
"Eli..." 
"You do. Don't you..." The anger in his voice made me feel guilty.
"I don't know... I'm confused and... I love you Eli, I do."
"But you love him more." He says under his breath. 
I walk over and stand infront of him.
Suddenly he looks up at me and studies my face.
"He's the reason you wouldn't marry me, isn't it? Because I was your temporary. I was the person who was your rebound. If he didn't come back you always had Eli Garner as a back up plan." He shouts.
"DON'T YOU DARE SHOUT AT ME!" I shout back at him.
"BUT ITS TRUE! All of it! You're still in love with him! And you've just been waiting for him to come back!"
"That's not true. I love you Eli. But Calum and I... There's something special between us and I don't know if I could ever have that special something again. He told me he still loved me today and I realized I still love him too. But I love you Eli, I really do. This is hard for me and I'm sorry that I have to put you through this. It's selfish of me but sometimes you have to be selfish to do what's best for yourself." I let out a shaky breath at the end.
Eli sighs.
"Ouch." 
I let out a small laugh.
"I'm sorry. I really am. You're the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. But... I don't want to keep dragging you along if we weren't mean to be."
Eli just nods.
"I just want you to be happy. If Calum makes you happy... I won't like it but I'll accept it. There's so many things to work out though."
We sit together on the edge of the bed. I put my hand on the back of his neck.
"We'll figure all that out later. Let's just go to bed." I rest both my hands on his shoulders and we kiss. And not just a small one, a goodbye kiss. The last kiss. Maybe it was out of guilt, maybe it was because I really did love him but at this point it didn't matter. 
"I'll still love you." He whispers. I nod.
"I know." 
I turn on the lights and together we lay in bed, pressed against each other. 
I lay my head on his chest and he keeps a protective arm around me.
Even though we were with each other, it felt cold. Like a thin layer of ice was between us. But even in the coldness I knew Eli. I knew he would do the right thing, he always did. I was the bad guy. But it felt worth while.