How can they expect everything to go back to normal? Are they just supposed to pretend it didn't happen and go about their lives? These were the questions running through her head as Hermione walked through the doors to the Great Hall. As she looked around at the people who had been her peers for the past seven years, she felt more alone than she had in months. She saw everyone laughing and smiling, hugging and joking as if they all hadn't just fought in a war. Hadn't all lost everything. Her feet slowly moved her closer to the Gryffindor table where she met up with her friends. They had been rather distant from her lately. She felt alone in her struggle with acclimating to the new "normal" that the ministry was trying to implement, and they could tell... Harry and Ginny especially.
The ministry felt it was beneficial to send the students back to Hogwarts to finish out their schooling. What a load of bullshit, she thought. Hermione didn't need to finish her studies only to get some menial job at the ministry, stuck behind a desk for five days a week. No, she needed the only thing that seemed to dull the ache these days, muggle whiskey. She couldn't stand the bitterness of firewhiskey, but muggle whiskey had just the right amount of burn to help her forget.
"Don't you think 'mione?" Hermione was pulled out of her whiskey daydreams as Harry lightly touched her shoulder. "Sorry, what was it you said?" She honestly did not catch a word of the conversation. Harry looked down at her with concerned eyes, "I was saying that the school looks rather good don't you think?" She took a look around the Great Hall to examine the repairs made after the battle. She had seen it after it was all over, after Bellatrix had blown it to bits. The room she saw now showed no remnants of the horrors that took place. Right, she thought, as if erasing it would make it all go away. Couldn't they have left some bricks out of place? Some cracked glass here and there? Anything was better than acting as if it never happened. That was how McGonagall thought she could make things easier for the students arriving back at the castle. She, as the new headmistress of Hogwarts, set about to make the school look exactly as it had before, not even a blade of grass out of place.
But she kept her opinion to herself as she replied, "oh yeah, it looks great." Ginny looked at her with her caring eyes, knowing that the words that came out of her mouth were far from what she was really thinking. Ginny had been there for her when she was at her lowest, when she couldn't even force herself to get out of bed. Now, when Ginny was concerned that she was slipping back into her "self-destructive habits", Hermione would smile at her reassuringly, letting her know that it wasn't like before. More lies. It hadn't been that bad in a while, not since she had been attending her therapy appointments. Or should she say ministry-appointed sessions?
Shacklebolt, the new minister of magic, had suggested it since he had seen first hand what she went through during her time with the order and had seen how hard she had taken the perils of war. Hermione hated these sessions, hated telling some snobby healer from St. Mungos how she hated who she has become, how she can't stop dreaming about the war, how she feels guilty about her misery because there were people who lost so much more than she had. Yet she would never admit that it sometimes helped to say these things out loud, instead of listening to her destructive self-conscience. All of the memories rushing back caused her to start to itch her arm, something she did when she was feeling anxious. One pain to distract from another. She then stood up, interrupting some hilarious joke Ron was telling. Ginny gently grabbed her hand, pulling her in close as she whispered, "you sure you're alright Hermione?" She smiled down at her friend as she responded, "Don't worry I'm just a bit tired from the train ride. I think I might take a walk." She then left the bustling Great Hall without another word, heading towards the only place that was quiet enough for her to think.
Hermione continued to furiously scratch at her forearm as she briskly walked through the cold hallways, glaring at portraits that seemed to look at her with judgment. She slowed her pace as she reached the long and winding staircase that led to the Astronomy Tower. Hermione didn't tell her friends where she was going for fear of ruining the only place in the castle where she could be alone. She knew that if they found out where she spent most of her time, they would follow her, trying to help her even though their pity always made it worse. It was rare when she could get a moment alone now. After all that had happened over the summer, her friends, Ginny especially, have been very tentative of her.
When they were first back at the school to help Professor McGonagall and the rest of the Hogwarts staff repair the damages, Harry had been hesitant to go up there. He eventually refused to even look at the tower as it brought back memories of Dumbledore, Snape, and the green flash of the killing curse as his mentor fell back, leaving the fate of the wizarding world in the hands of a terrified seventeen-year-old boy. So to spare her friend the grief, Hermione had volunteered to repair that portion of the school.
She had found the work to be quite relaxing, being the only one up there. She could be alone, no one to bother her or ask if she was doing alright. She despised pity, which is something she received a lot of these days.
She loved the brisk cold air that surrounded the open floors of the tower. They made her feel free as if she wasn't in the perfect little box everyone expected from her. Up there, she could be as broken as she wanted. Now, as she reached the top of the stairs, she noticed that the door was cracked just a bit, allowing the light of the moonlit night sky to seep into the dark stairwell. Slowly, she pushed open the door to look around. As she scanned the room, a flash of platinum blonde appeared in her view, causing her to do a double-take. When her gaze once again landed on the blonde figure leaning over the railing, she recognized it to be Malfoy. He stiffened as she opened the door, only turning his head briefly to see who had arrived. He only spoke with a sneer, "Why don't you take a picture Granger, it will last longer."
Hermione was startled by his coarse acknowledgment of her presence. She didn't respond right away, only moved to lean on the railing next to him, staring out at the forbidden forest which was now blanketed with moonlight. Eventually, she turned her gaze to the side, watching him out of the corner of her eye. " What are you doing up here Malfoy? Ready to pitch yourself off the Astronomy Tower already?" He huffed in amusement. "Yeah, you wish." He still didn't answer her question which made her want to know even more. "Why are you up here?" She asked again, this time causing him to look at her. He had dark circles under his eyes, and he looked exhausted. She probably looked just the same, the nightmares keeping her from getting any hint of sleep. His grey eyes were just as cold as ever, yet being this close, Hermione could see a hint of something else behind them, something she couldn't quite place. "It isn't any of your bloody business so just sod off Granger." She started to itch at her forearm again. "And anyway," he continued, "what are you doing all the way up here? Thought you would be the president of the 'Welcome Back To Hogwarts Committee'." This elicited a scoff from Hermione as she pulled out a flask that she had hidden in her pocket, taking a long swig of the burning liquid she kept hidden in there.
"I wasn't in any hurry to come back here." Malfoy looked at her with a slight hint of confusion before snapping back with his usual two cents. "Damn Granger didn't peg you for a drinker." She ignored his snide remark. "What are you looking at?" He looked at her, then returned his gaze back to the night sky. "I'm in the Astronomy Tower, what does it look like?" It seemed sarcasm was his weapon of choice for tonight. "What is your favorite star?" Hermione didn't know why she was trying to make conversation with him, just trying to fill the empty space between them. "Why would I have a favorite Star? They are all the same so why should I care about just one?" She let out a small laugh. "Actually, all stars are not the same. They are all big balls of burning gas so they all have rather unique shapes." He scoffed at this. "Of course you would know the anatomy of a star. Does your head get too heavy with all of that bullshit you carry around?"
She couldn't ignore his jarring any further. "Why do you have to be an asshole all of the time? I was just trying to make conversation." He rolled his eyes. "Not everyone can afford to be so happy right now so if you could take your heroics elsewhere, that would be great, thanks." She actually laughed at his reply. "You think I'm happy? Of course you would. Why wouldn't Gryffindor's princess be perfectly fine?" Malfoy turned away from her with a low growl of frustration. "Fuck off Granger." Suddenly, Malfoy grabbed his head, scrunching his face as if he were in pain. He doubled over, groaning as the phantom pain seemed to ripple through him. "Malfoy, are you alright?" She reached to grab his shoulder but he pulled away, looking somewhat back to normal.
"Piss off." Those were his final words as he retreated towards the door to the stairwell, furiously scratching at his left forearm. As Hermione turned to look out into the forbidden forest, she felt confused about the encounter she just had with the boy who made her life a living hell at school. Even stranger, she felt the slightest hint of relief. Relief that she may not be the only one suffering in this world.
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Aftershock
FanfictionThey weren't friends, they certainly were not together, yet she somehow felt wounded that his misery was kept a secret. Not for the purpose of helpful intent, no it was much more selfish than that. She was hurt because he didn't tell her his sufferi...