CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

                                    

                                          
A/N - Sorry it's been so long guys!!!  IM BACKKKKK
Bryoni
17th July
Dread is a more powerful feeling than I anticipated, and it's something I never thought I would ever feel to this magnitude. It's like the past two weeks have completely thrown my emotional understanding of myself through a tempest. Water seeping through gaps I didn't know were there, spinning me in random directions, trying to navigate my way through what felt like a never-ending sandstorm. Small pieces of grit hitting my skin, each tiny pinprick more and more of a setback. 
We found my Dad a few days after I regained consciousness properly, in a hotel he stayed at a few months ago in Brighton. I didn't go down to meet him for the drive back up, Harry didn't think I was ready to be seen out in London yet, as the press were probably eating all of this up. I ended up calling Rosie and getting her to go down and see him, knowing she understood our situation and could deal with it in ways that are way above her paygrade. 
After talking to Harry, he was amazing through everything. It was never too much, but I was never lonely. He gave me space, or comforted me in any way I needed, and although I was initially flinching at the idea of any physical contact, it wasn't long before I melted into his touch in the same way I've done before. Every day was different, but ultimately, I knew my day would end with him holding me, the only sound coming from the soft breath from both of our mouths. 
He made sure I was drinking, sleeping, eating, showering, and just wanting me to keep to a rough routine so that I didn't allow anything extra to overwhelm me even more. Having that routine just forced me to have some kind of normality when all seemed lost. When I first showered, I went to look for my suitcase to find it in the wardrobe, along with the rest of my clothes, hung up, organised into sections by colour. Every item in my possession was tidied away in exactly the way I would've done it, and it makes my heart warm that he has noticed that these things are important to me, and his value on making sure everything was comfortable for me. He knew this would put me at ease, and didn't hesitate to do it for me. 
It was a few days until I could even bear to discuss anything about the funeral, and after meeting with my Dad the day after he moved into the same hotel we were staying, it became clear to me fairly quickly that he wouldn't be participating in any planning. 
I always knew it would happen this way, and that was an idea I had come to terms with. But convincing yourself you're okay with something, is something so much more different to it becoming a reality. 
Louis, Zayn and Meredith came to see me after they found my Dad, checking on me, making sure I'm somewhat myself again, despite the fact that I don't think I ever will be. When they came they never stayed long, and I don't know whether Harry told them to do that, giving me space that I definitely needed. I was thankful for that, because I wasn't ready for things to go back to the way they were yet. I needed time to process and get to know the person I've become now I've gone through this. 
It sounds stupid and dramatic, but grief changes you as a person. The loss of someone makes you adjust as a human, learning things about yourself that you didn't know before. It's shitty but it's important. You have to go through it multiple times in your life before you can start to see the benefits. I've been told it's worth it, m but I'll have to get back to you on that one. 
For some reason, this space I needed didn't apply to Harry. He was like a safety blanket, always wanting him near me, knowing his presence was close, it helped me. I don't care what that means, I was just focusing on getting through each day without screaming, and if Harry was helping me, I would let him help. When he's with me, just in the same room as me, it made everything slightly more bearable, the buzz becoming clearer, giving my life clarity.