One-hundred and eighty-four

                                    

                                          
It was hard to go back to the castle to help, acting like my family wasn't going through the biggest loss possible.
                          
I was in the transfiguration courtyard with Will, Marco and George of course.
                          
There was still so many missing people so the search for bodies continued.
                          
"I heard Ginny found a girl in the entrance courtyard." Marco told William. "A first year, I think. Dunno what she was doing there. Should've been home, right? Anyway, the girl was scared shitless, shaking and everything."
                          
"Many people should've been home." I commented, causing Marco to look at me. "Maybe she didn't listen. She's lucky she's alive."
                          
William sighed and straightened up, looking at me but he didn't say anything. He turned his back to me and reached down to grab a piece of wall, throwing it with so much force that the sound of it made me flinch.
                          
"It's not El's fault."
                          
"Did I say that it was?"
                          
"That's what you mean, right?" He asked, raising his voice, still without looking at me.
                          
"Why don't you just shut up and go back to looking for people?"
                          
This time he looked at me.
                          
"She wanted to fight because we were here. If we had gone home, she would've followed."
                          
"So it's our fault?" I laughed. "Maybe it's your fault, William! You know, when Eleanor got pregnant, you were so quick to want nothing to do with her, thinking it's a way to protect her, but when she wants to fight in a war, you don't even care. You don't try to stop her, you just let her because she's a strong girl? So what if she was? She was fifteen!"
                          
There was silence for a moment, before William spoke again.
                          
"Sixteen."
                          
I frowned.
                          
"What?"
                          
"She was sixteen. She turned sixteen."
                          
"So what?!" I yelled. "She was still a child! She was still underage and she shouldn't have been here! You should've helped me make sure she left, but you just watched as she hit me and then you let her run off!"
                          
"Yeah? Well you were the one yelling at her like you're yelling at me now!" He raised his voice. "If it's anyone's fault, it's yours! She looked up to you, wanted to be like you. She watched you fight and decided to do the same. She wanted you to be proud of her but you yelled at her and made her feel like you didn't believe she could do this."
                          
"Fuck you!"
                          
Silence again.
                          
William and I were looking at each other. He looked angry but so was I. I could feel the hot tears on my face, only there because I felt so angry that my entire body was shaking.
                          
Marco and George were watching what was happening, making sure that nothing happened further.
                          
"You're a shit sister, do you know that?" William then asked, his voice cold and low. "And you're a shit friend too... Marco doesn't notice, but I do. I don't know how he puts up with you. You never noticed his issues because you were too caught up with your own shit."
                          
"William!" Marco yelled. "What the fuck!"
                          
"My own shit?!" I laughed. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!"
                          
"That you were a self righteous spoiled little brat." He spat. "I grew up having to watch my little sister being given absolutely everything by our own father because she was the favourite child, and you just loved it. You didn't care that I at the same time was being left in your shadow."
                          
I let out another laugh.
                          
"Here we go again! William is feeling sorry for himself!" I yelled. "I was a fucking child! What was I supposed to do?!"
                          
William took a step towards me.
                          
"You—"
                          
"I've been there by your side since I can remember!" I cut him off. "I've supported you and I've been willing to fucking kill people who'd use a slur against you or harass you! Through your sixth year, I helped you out with everything regarding Quidditch, especially when it got overwhelming for you to be Quidditch captain! You don't get to come here and tell me that I am selfish when I've always put you and everyone else before myself. Why do you think I'm in therapy?! I'm trying to take care of myself for once!"
                          
William straightened up his posture, looking at me as if he realised I was being right, though I knew him and I knew he wasn't about to admit he was wrong.
                          
"If you want to look at someone who's selfish, look in a mirror." I said calmly before I turned to continue throwing pieces of wall or roof aside.
                          
"We're going inside." Marco told William who started to protest, but Marco cut him off by yelling. "Now!"
                          
The two walked inside of the castle while I continued looking for bodies until I felt George wrap a hand around my arm, urging me to face him.
                          
"You alright?"
                          
"I'm fine, George."
                          
I ripped my arm from his grip, moving to the other side of the courtyard.
                          
"Please talk to me." He said, voice slightly raised to make sure I could hear him. "Don't start shutting down again. You must be feeling some type of way... your brother just—"
                          
"Blamed me for our sisters death." I nodded. "Yeah, I heard it... I was there. I blamed him too. I shouldn't have..."
                          
George approached me.
                          
"He called you a bad sister and a bad friend." He said. "Talk to me about that?"
                          
"Alright what do you want me to say?!" I snapped and spun around to face him. "That hearing my own brother say that, hurts? That it hurts to hear him say that, or that it hurts to hear him say that?! Or maybe you'd like me to say that it hurts so much that it feels like I can't breathe properly because what if it's true?"
                          
"Which part?"
                          
"All of it." I shrugged. "I didn't know that Marco was struggling with addiction for all those years and I wasn't able to protect Eleanor..."
                          
When I teared up again, I turned away to try and hide it.
                          
"I wish it had been me."
                          
George went quiet as I spoke but I went back to looking for bodies, realising there wasn't any in the courtyard.
                          
"Don't say that."
                          
"You wanted me to talk to you." I said. "So there it is. I wish I had died instead of Eleanor."
                          
I turned towards him again.
                          
"She's my little sister." I said, my voice breaking and I blinked which made a tear drop onto my cheekbone. "My baby sister. I was four when she was born, but I still remember it. I remember being introduced to this tiny baby who was going to be my first younger sibling. I promised to always protect her and I failed. She's dead, George, and Will was right... it's my fault."
                          
"Allie!" George snapped, causing me to look at his eyes. "Stop saying that. This is not your fault. None of it is your fault. Eleanor's death is not your fault, but it's not her fault anymore. She shouldn't have stayed and you tried your best to get her to leave, but neither one of you knew this was going to happen. She wouldn't want you blaming yourself."
                          
"I'm not so sure about that." I sobbed. "She hated me in the last moment of her life."
                          
George stepped towards me.
                          
"She didn't hate you. You had a fight, but you heard Will. She loved you. She looked up to you."
                          
I shook my head.
                          
"Why?" I cried. "I would never want her to be like me. She deserved so much better in life and now she'll never have the chance."