~Obsessions~

                                    

                                          
Is this living or is this just running? 
                          
Running from one task to the next, trying to distract me from, well me...
                          
Focusing on one thing, another, another, another-
                          
I tell myself I'm just interested in many things, 
                          
That I like to apply myself and see results-
                          
But the truth is...
                          
Deep down, I'm lonely and afraid and scared 
                          
And scarred 
                          
And I need a distraction 
                          
Or maybe a thousand
                          
But that's okay, I'm not the only crazy one, right? 
                          
Who am I kidding, I'm so messed up-
                          
And I know it. 
                          
Why do you think I can't stand to be alone with myself?
                          
Sure, sure, I'm "talented"
                          
"Talent" means nothing to me, 
                          
Maybe once I had innocent interests, 
                          
Now I just have unhealthy coping mechanisms, 
                          
Always trying to change what I see, create something...
                          
Just to feel okay
                          
Like I did something that matters 
                          
But it doesn't work like that 
                          
Sure, maybe I'll temporarily feel release-
                          
Then what?
                          
Right back to square one 
                          
Time to hold myself to even higher standards,
                          
Like a perfectionist, 
                          
Oh, sure, I have a goal to-
                          
No. 
                          
Forget that. 
                          
Forget goals.
                          
No. 
                          
I don't really want to improve myself. 
                          
I just want to be happy. 
                          
Honestly. 
                          
Deep down that's all I ever wanted, 
                          
Then so much went wrong. 
                          
So much. 
                          
Now look. 
                          
Here I am,
                          
Broken on the ground, 
                          
Surrounded by a thousand fragments of who I thought I was and who I tried to be 
                          
Running at an insane pace
                          
I'll do this and this and this and maybe I don't have to worry 
                          
Or maybe I will even more 
                          
What does it matter now? 
                          
I'm not truly alive-
                          
But surely this is better than death-
                          
Surely...
                          
Oh, why do I hesitate? 
                          
No, don't go there, please...
                          
I know myself, and I know my feelings 
                          
Even as I try to run they'll catch me again 
                          
So I'll try to drown them out but it does no good-