will xv • this is what our love looks like now

                                    

                                          
i've known it from the start,
i always thought you were too good for me:
you are so bright, so smart.
i'm looking for something kind of nice,
that tells me everything will work out all right.
our hearts stills glow,
and time will tell
if we're supposed to be together;
my best friend,
what is this mess?
A/N: also I've realized, AFTER WRITING, that I forgot I made Mrs. Dobbs a creepy old lady that worked at R.T. But...just pretend I didn't!! The one in this chapter is completely different...anyway, thanks for reading!!!
-
   The worst thing Nico di Angelo ever did was make me believe in love. 
   I used to be able to go through guys as soon as things got too close. I was gone immediately after each fuck, on my way home, texting with another guy. That was my life. That's all I wanted. 
   But then, I took this internship with a classmate. Nico di Angelo. Intelligent, but a pain in everyone's ass. When he talked, the teachers fell in love with his articulate theories, and the rest of the class, who wouldn't contribute anything new to the conversation, groaned. 
   No one really knew him back then, at least when he wasn't boring everyone with his opinion on Orwell in English class. He kept to himself, and spent all of his time with the two girls who were in a relationship a grade above us. At lunch, he read—either textbooks or fantasy. He easily blended into a crowd, because his hair was always nice and tidy, as were his clothes, and as was his personality.
   He liked following the rules, berating anybody who didn't. He was a teacher's pet when it came to disciplining the students who couldn't care less. He was the kid who told the substitute that there was homework the night before, which he did because he had always made sure to do his homework. And he paid attention to every word that was spoken in class, and could regurgitate those words outside of it.
   Even with this, he had something special.
   He was stubborn. When the kids groaned, his voice got louder. His chin pointed higher. He gained more confidence.
   The first night I ever saw him, the true him, was at a party. My friends were graduating, and my ex-thing was hiding behind a sham of a marriage. I was hiding in a room when he came barreling in, crying about a boy. He was different than at school. He was wearing makeup, and black clothing, and skinny jeans. And then we talked. And I kissed him, and he kissed back.
   And at this internship, we started off at odds, due to the fact he totally wasn't in touch with his sexuality. He was the same robot as always, until I made a mistake. I underestimated him. And then, he embraced his new image. Brought back the eyeliner and the skinny jeans and the band tee. And we spent most of our time fighting for the first month of summer.
   And then the second month, I started to fall. I started to see him. The reason he liked to rant in class was fueled by his peers. As they groaned, he was reminded that he was the only one who cared enough, and it was a way for him to feel the best. He liked to follow rules, because his mother didn't, and his mother left, and hurt him. And he didn't want to be like her. And I could relate. 
   I let him see all of me. The things that I never thought I would show anyone. 
   And then I was in love. All of the things that used to be annoying to me just made sense. And by loving him, I realized love was real. And that love, I began to use on myself. Loving who I was, and loving who I love. That's a lot of love.
   But that's what Nico was to me. 
   I wish I could say that he crushed my belief of that emotion—do I really need to say it again? I guess I will—of love, and the whole ordeal of getting my heart broken destroyed any chance of me thinking love exists.