Living in the past

                                    

                                          

I have a bad habit of reliving my past and remembering toxic things
It stirs within me all the feelings that it brings 
To stay in the present is harder than it seems 
The future isn't promised it could only be a dream
I replay past moments and again reenact the day
The ones that tore in and threatened to raze
I keep looking back as if they might change 
Instead, they erode, weaken and derange 
Why do I write, capture and savor?
As if I could beat them and start to be braver
Those pains of the past, destroying my will
Beating me to death until there's nothing to kill
Why do I care and think of that time?
The journey that's taken me so long to climb
Why do I keep my gaze focused back?
When each day was embittered because of a lack
I sit here and wonder, I'll fall asleep thinking
I'll slowly sink under, my soul will be inking 
I'll spend all my years, I'll never see-through
Face my fears, obscured in its view 
My fist is clenched tight, I'm chained to the old
A prisoner of spite lost self to its mold 
What would I be if I could move on?
Solved mystery of how to be strong 
Who would I be if I didn't know?
Who was that me from so long?