Chapter 24 Sophia POV

                                    

                                          
I woke up to Mark's arm around my waist. I felt a feeling of completeness and then I was instantly reminded of the fact that he is currently working on growing a family and I not apart of that family. This is all for that baby. I roll away and walk into the kitchen to find my mom. She looked up at me with a smirk. 


                          
"So you and Mark?" She asked with a wiggle of her eyebrows. 


                          
I rolled my eyes and laughed. "Ugh there is so much going on behind the scenes that its basically impossible for us to actually be together." 


                          
"Why do you say that?" Mom's face getting serious. 


                          
"Well his ex is pregnant. I know that literally everything is going to change when that baby comes into the world. It's not fair to anyone for me to get involved. We might love each other, but its not enough, not now at least. So I either wait in the wings or move on."


                          
Mom pulled me into a big hug, "I'm sorry baby. That's hard. I can tell you guys are good together, but you're right, its not fair to anyone especially that baby and I'd rather you not acting as stepmom this early in your life." All I could do was nod. After a while I finally pulled away and got myself some much needed coffee. Mark walked in rubbing his face. 


                          
"Your bed might be the comfiest thing ever." He leaned to my ear, "your chest is a close second."


                          
I could feel the heat rise into my face and I smacked him. 


                          
"Its too early for your antics! Go get some food and lets go adventuring!" 


                          
We finally got out of the house and went on a long hike and then to the beach in the afternoon. The entire day we talked about what we wanted for the future. I told him about how much I wanted to open up my own small town bookstore. He told me how much he doesn't want to be stuck in Boston his whole life. He joked about how he knows its stupid, but even though it has everything he didn't want to end up in the town he never truly left. I understood him completely. I needed to get away from my parents and live a new life. I knew I wasn't going to stay in San Diego after college, but that I was definitely coming back. I loved the sun and the people. I hated that Mark felt like he was trapped. 


                          
That afternoon we made it to the beach. I laid out and read a book while Mark switched from laying next to me to going swimming. He had flopped down next to me after a swim. 


                          
"Soph, I had an idea. It might be crazy, but it also might be the best thing for our problem."


                          
"Ok?" I looked at him with my head cocked. 


                          
"What if we did a friends with benefits thing? We use each other for a release when we need it?"


                          
"Are you kidding me?" I all but yelled I could feel my blood starting to boil. " I don't want to be some booty call to you! Is that all I am to you?!"
                          
He looked shocked at my reaction. "No- No I didn't mean it like that. Rebecca can't know about us. So we have to just be casual." 


                          
I was done at this point. I never wanted just casual with him. He always had felt like end game for me and I wasn't about to do that to myself knowing we would never be more. I stood up and starting throwing my things into my bag. He looked on with confusion.


                          
"I am not someone you have on the side, while you have your family." I hissed at him "I love you and I deserve that love in return! You aren't and never will be capable of giving me that so don't you dare waste my time with your bullshit 'solution' to our problem!" I yelled this last bit and looked up to find Joel watching us with a dark look on his face. 


                          
Mark looked at me defeated, "You love me?" 


                          
I threw my hands in the air, "Of course I fucking love you but you're about to have a kid and a baby momma who isn't me. How the fuck am I supposed to compete with that?!" 


                          
I was starting to shake at this point. I turned around to find Joel right behind me. 


                          
"You ok?" he asked looking between me and Mark. 


                          
"Yes! He is just being a fucking idiot!" I looked at Mark at this point "I'm walking home. If you're done being a fuck face, you're welcome to follow." I turned back to Joel trying to calm down. "I'm sorry I canceled on you today. I'll call you later."


                          
I turned and walked away. I heard Mark following behind. After a while he spoke up. 


                          
"I'm sorry Soph. I just miss you and I know you deserve more. I wish I could give you everything, but I'm stuck. I thought that if we at least were together like that then it would be enough, but I was kidding myself when I thought that. I hate that I can't be what you deserve. For the record, I love you too, but you're right. It's not enough and what I was asking of you wasn't fair."


                          
I just huffed in response as I continued to power walk my way back home. 


                          
"I think I should leave tomorrow." He said sadly
                          

                          
I didn't say anything until we reached the house. I turned to him and look a deep breath.  


                          
"I hate this. All of it.I'm so fucking pissed at you for a million different reasons.  I'm pissed that you knocked up Rebecca. I'm pissed that we had our chance and now its gone. I'm pissed that I have to step away from this. I'm pissed that you had the audacity to ask if I wanted to be a booty call. All I've ever wanted was to be more and I lost that chance. I know its not completely your fault, but it doesn't take any of the pain away. As much as it'll hurt having you leave, I think its for the best. A bit of me will always love you, but I don't want to be in the middle of your baby momma drama and I can't just be a booty call. So I think its best if you stay in one of the spare bedrooms tonight and leave in the morning." I was sobbing at this point, but I couldn't help it. 


                          
Dinner was tense to say the least. Neither one of use were talking. Mom was trying to keep the conversation up and my dad didn't care enough to try. It was awkward. I knew the right thing to do was to ignore how awful it was, but I couldn't help it. I was hurting and I wanted to wallow in it. 


                          
Before we went to bed, I went and knocked on Mark's room door. 


                          
He looked upset, when he opened the door.


                          
 "Hey" he said 


                          
" I'm sorry Mark." 


                          
"No, you don't need to apologize. I'm sorry. I think I knew I was asking a lot from you and I know that you deserved more. A little bit will always love you too. I wish I could say that nothing will change, but you know that I can't. I'm things aren't different." He cupped my face. "You're one of the best things to happen to me." Silent tears streamed down my face and he pulled me into his chest. I couldn't even respond. We sat like that for hours. He held me while I cried until there was nothing left to cry. 


                          
The next morning, I woke up in my own bed with a note on my nightstand. 


                          
Soph, 


                          
I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye. I couldn't truly say goodbye to you because it felt like it would be too final for us. I refuse to ever be final with you. I love you and I always will. Please let me know when you get back into town. I know things won't be normal, but I still want to know you're ok.


                          
Love, 


                          
Mark 




                          
I couldn't help but burst into tears. We were definitely not moving on from this and it was for certain this time. I decided to spend the day at the beach reading my day away to distract myself from everything.