DenEst (vball au) 12

                                    

                                          


                          
Den didn't speak for a while, thinking. He didn't like this. He wanted his best friend back. And he wanted to fuck her. He wanted to fuck the shit out of her until she couldn't remember her own name. But commitment was fucking scary.
                          
He hugged her a little tighter, mumbling. "Isn't there something between friends and partners we can do?"
                          
"No." She hissed out, still not looking at him as she crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm a fucking murderer, I take drugs. Still want to be around me?" 
                          
"Yes..." Den pressed his lips against her neck, leaving little kisses. None of that had been her fault. "I like being around you, you make me happy."
                          
"Be sad, then." She gritted her teeth, pushing his face away from her, turning her body to face the wall. Guilt was making her chest cave in and her curl up, as if to hide the hole that was rapidly ever-growing in her chest. "Makeout with my friends and fuck them. I hope one day you can find someone that will make you really, really happy, Den. I'm being honest." She closed her eyes when she felt them sting again and you'd think she'd be exhausted from a'll the tears already, but somehow, they managed to return. Her voice was frail. 

Sounded like she gave up.
                          
 "I really do. You were my best friend. You were someone who I could always rely on and you were there to brighten my day. From my childhood all I could remember was being cold. All I could remember was having to be an adult, even when I was young, when I didn't deserve to be treated with formal handshakes and everything. I was so sad as a kid. I always thought it was unfair. And I've carried that into my teens. The burden of maturity. I hated you at first because I wanted to be like you." Her hair was covering her eyes and her face as she pulled her shoulders up, hugging herself tighter. "You were so happy. You were so childish and carefree and ignorant of everything. You cared so little about everything that didn't concern you. It's like you never put thought into what the consequences could be. I wanted to be like you so bad and I fucking hated you for it. And then somehow you showed me this world-- this world of not giving a shit, about being childish and immature and being so selfish and I loved you. I wanted to be you. I wanted you in my life so bad. Because you were happy, you were the childishness that I lacked, the ignorance, the selfishness, the pleasure and desire. You were bright and I needed you." her bottom lip trembled as her throat tightened, voice wavering pathetically. "I didn't see any of your flaws. Your lack of commitment. Your inability to take my feelings seriously. Your childishness. Your brightness." She lay there trembling, clutching herself.
                          
 "It's my fault," she uttered the words like they were her last, "I deserve this."
                          
Den liked to imagine that he didn't have a heart, there was probably a volleyball in there instead, but whatever he had in his chest cracked painfully at her words.
                          
"Esti... Esti, you don't deserve any of this." Den sat up and pulled her partway into his lap, pressing his lips against the top of her head and inhaling her scent as he held her tightly but carefully, like she was a glass ornament that would shatter to pieces if he let go. "Hate me if you want, but don't hate yourself. Please, Esti."
                          
Maybe he was realizing it too late, but he couldn't bear losing Esti. She had become such a vital part of his life. "I... I... y-you're really important to me, okay? You can be happy. And... you don't need me to do that." He ran his fingers through her hair, gently combing it to give himself something to focus on other than what he was saying.
                          
"I'm sorry." She cleared her throat, hands wrapping around Den's neck as she rested her head onto his shoulder. "It's no wonder now that I think about it. All I'd do is slow you down if we dated," she shifted her head in his shoulder, looking off to the side. Her voice grew even quieter. "...that's why. That's why I hope you find someone better. Someone who won't slow you down." 
                          
"Fucking shut up already! I hate it when you talk about yourself like that, don't you care about yourself??" Den pushed her away and jumped off the bed to pace, far too antsy to just sit still. He wanted to hold Esti close but at the same time he wanted to shake her until he had shaken all the bad thoughts out of her. "You wouldn't slow me down, you've never slowed me down. I don't hang around you because I pity you or anything--" Raking his fingers through his hair, Den continued to pace, walking from one wall to the other. "I can't 'find someone better' than you, Esti, and even if I could, I don't want to. Do you even understand?"
                          
Esti sat shocked, her words choked up in her throat as she gripped onto the bed sheets tight, clutching onto them like they were her lifeline. "Then why won't you date me? I-- I don't understand, Den, I'm-- I can't-- I can't think of any other reason why you wouldn't date me. Why you'd be so afraid of commitment with me. I don't know what else to do." 

                          


                          
sorry for the violent cut off but that's all that's been written