Chapter 48// If you want love

                                    

                                          
If you want love, you gon' have to go through the pain
If you want love, you gon' have to learn how to change
If you want trust, you gon' have to give some away
                          
...
                          
Three moons. Three fucking moons since I last saw her. I'm known for my short temper but this time I'm convinced that I'm about to loose it. I want to go fucking wild.
                          
We lost the battle. My as I thought perfect strategy didn't work out; no even worse, we terribly failed. I underestimated Lagertha, so much that we fled then battle like hurt dogs.
                          
And not only Harald but everybody else is questioning what they've heard about Ivar the Boneless. And if that wouldn't have been enough Hvisterk is now sailing to our uncle Rollo to ask for help. Pathetic. And though I hate the thought of asking for help I know we desperately need it. If she wasn't so important to me I would ask Hella too but I can't put her in a position like this. I know she would say yes in the end and I can't risk her death another time. 
                          
Though she is the one with visions and dreams about terrible things,
I wasn't spared either. 
                          
I saw her die in the most horrifying ways that made me afraid for her in every situation. Whether it was during childbirth or a battle or even during our wedding; she died everytime. 
                          
I began wondering if this is a sign from Odin, telling me to leave her alone so she doesn't die for me.
                          
But if anything at all, it just made me crave her more. I need to see her again otherwise I might go insane.
                          
I need her calming and reassuring energy with me, I crave for the distraction that sweet laugh of hers is.
                          
I'm so addicted to silence and warmth her body brings me but I cherish her madness just as much. I want her to scream at me because of little things, I want to tease her over silly things so I can see the fire in her eyes again.
                          
Being away from her has only taught me that I never want to be away from her again. I promised to come for her when the war is won but now I already lost the first battle. Would she be ashamed of my failure? Would she reject me because of my foolery?
                          
I down the next cup feeling the Mead warm me from my insides. I've been so in thought that I forgot that Harald is sitting with me.
                          
"Though we lost I think I should still thank you for taking Astrid with you." he says smiling at the thought of his wife.
                          
"I assume you would've done the same for me." I answer forcing a smile on me. I don't want to smile. I want to kill or run away from my shame and never come back. I want to give my rage all the space it needs as there is no one who can take it from me peacefully.
                          
"If you had a wife I would protect her like you protected mine." he says punching me right in the guts with his words. He's right I don't have anyone... Hella isn't my wife and though I'm sure we're together we never spoke about it. It's just empty words. I could come to get her and she could already be married.
                          
I open my mouth to speak again when he shuts me down.
                          
"We all know about your... admiration for the Queen of the Shadow Islands Ivar. But do you really think she'd marry someone who can't give her heirs?" he asks openly trying not to offend me but he most definitely did.