17 // heartbroken

                                    

                                          
I couldn't stop thinking about my daughter since I saw her how sweet she was how cheeky she was how playful she was and how silly she was I wanted to make her proud and I wanted to raise her right. 
                          
These two day I went to school and acted like everything was okay, this was the hardest part about not being okay I had to go to school and put a brave face on but I couldn't stop my life at the same time as hard as it was. 
                          
Jayden and I decided to go to the lake after school today, we were meeting with the Williams tomorrow and Jayden knew how hard it has been on me, we sat there quiet for a few moment 
I looked at him and said "jay I need a family, I'm falling for you I really am but I need somewhere where I can keep my family and I safe and your family has done a lot for me they even want to adopt my sister and I" 
"I understand and this family will always be your family I just wish it could of turned out different for us because I love you tay" 
"I love you too jay" 
We stayed like that for a few more minutes, I loved him he was the first guy I actually wanted to be with the first guy I loved fully but I needed to do what was right for me I needed a family as much as that meant I had to give up the love of my life, I thought about it and I couldn't bring myself to do anything about it but seeing Mel help me as much as she had and hearing that she wanted to adopt us I had to make a choice jay or a family, it wasn't just me I had to look after my family too and this was the right decision for all of us as much as it killed me, I could feel tears filling my eyes as much as I tried to push them back it wasn't working, why does all this bad things happen to me? Why Everytime I fall for someone something just goes wrong, he was the first guy that treated me right that showed me love and fun he was my bestfriend that I fell for, I wish it was different.. 
                          
The car ride was silent, I could feel Jayden looking at me a few time while he drove. I couldn't bring myself to look at him I was staring out the window crying hoping he didn't notice 
"I'm sorry tay" he said which made me look at him to only notice he was crying too
"It's not your fault jay I had to choose and if it was just me I would of chosen you but unfortunately nothing goes in my favour" 
"I know you had to keep your family safe and find a family for them and this one is yours tay I'll always love you but you need a family" 
"Thankyou jay I'll always love you and you'll always be my bestfriend" 
He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek as we stopped the car and made our way inside
                          
I ran up the stairs I couldn't be bothered facing anyone, I was heartbroken I loved Jayden but I knew I was also doing the right thing I had to do this, I laid down under the blankets and cried my eyes out, between finding my sister, trying to get custody of my daughter and having to pick between a family and Jayden I was drained I felt broken I felt like there was nothing left in me, I felt alone even if I had plenty of people around me, I felt worthless I felt like nothing ever went my way and that I could never just be happy, there was always something happening in my life I just couldn't catch a break. 
                          
Today was the day we were having a meeting with the Williams and I was so exhausted from yesterday I had to drag myself out of the bed in the shower, I just threw on a black ripped jeans with a dressing white shirt, I was too tired to even find out a more dressy outfit, I didn't know how today was going to go, maybe we would end up in court or maybe they would just give me custody of my daughter, I wished it was always the easy way but knowing my luck it would probably end up in court. 
                          
Mel was trying to talk to me and prepare me for what could go wrong in the car ride but honestly her words were blurry I couldn't quiet understand what she was saying because I was too busy in my head overthinking things I was too busy being exhausted and trying to not break down and cry my eyes out, I couldn't even choose her name I couldn't even be a decent parent. I felt like I failed. 
                          
I wasn't ready for this, there was a support worker here playing with Ava outside so she didn't have to deal with this, the Williams leaded us to the dining room where there was a computer and paperwork, I could feel myself getting more anxious the minute that passed, we all sat down and I was the first one to break the silent 
"Look I appreciate everything you guys have done for my daughter and I'm sorry that I couldn't find her sooner but that was because I was in unfit foster homes but I'm here now I found a lovely family and have everything that my daughter will need if I get her you guys are still welcome to see her sometimes and I can send you guys photos all the time, I want to be a better parent than mine were I want to be apart of my daughters life"
Rob the husband said "I understand that sweetie and the main thing is your here now if you do get custody of her we would love to still see her and see photos but we need to work out what's best for Ava as much as we don't want to let her go" 
"So where do we go from here" I replied I was glad rob was understanding unlike Racheal his wife she didn't look impressed and that's why I thought this would be much harder than what it was going to be 
"Court" racheal said while crossing her arms 
I took a deep breathe as rob said "racheal Williams we are trying to do this the easy way so we don't have to put Ava through that court bullshit would you rather to see her and lose her all together through court" 
"I wouldn't have to lose her if we won" Rachael said while rolling her eyes 
"So you want to put her through that bullshit?" Rob said 
"No I don't but I don't want to lose her" 
"I know I don't either but Taylor said we can still see her and if we go through court that won't happen" 
"Fine whatever" Racheal said 
Far out how was this going to turn out? She doesn't sound convincing but hopefully rob will be able to talk her around. 
                          
We stayed there and spoke about what was going to happened for the next two hours, it was exhausting especially since the day I had yesterday but this was the next step, Rachael was hard to come around and kept coming up with some snappy comment she wasn't too happy but that wasn't my problem my focus was getting my daughter back, after a long convincing we decided to go to the foster system place and make a meeting with Linda so we could put avas custody in my name on the weekend, I was happy to allow them to still see Ava but I wanted her in my care I needed her she was my little girl and I was ready for the responsibility.
                          
It was only Wednesday so there was only two days where we would talk to Linda and take the next step, please let it go in my favour for once.