Chapter 23 - I think I lost my mind

                                    

                                          
YOUR POV
                          
"I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay." I repeated these two words like a chant. I hoped that if I told myself this an ample number of times, then maybe I will believe it too.
                          
Not only that, but I've been lying a lot lately. Mostly to others, but sometimes to myself as well. Of course, I don't feel okay, but that's the thing nobody wants to hear the truth because frankly, they don't care. I tried telling mom that I wasn't okay and that conversation went like this:
                          
Mom: Are you okay, honey?
Me: No
Mom: You'll be okay one day.
Me: Merlin, I think you just took all my sorrows away, and I just forgot about my dead brother. Thanks, mom.
And then she signed loudly before leaving.
                          
I've been bitter a lot lately and everyone is excusing my shitty behavior, especially my family or what's left of it anyway. Dad never talks to anyone, not even to mom, and she just smiles and pretends that she is okay.
                          
You see, grief is a funny thing. It excuses every bad deed you do. I could just go up to a person and beat the shit out of them, but they'll just shrug me off as the poor girl that lost her brother.
                          
It's not like I didn't try it; I tried bullying a few neighbor's kids. Pansy would be so proud of me. It was fun for a while to focus on something other than this heart-wrenching pain inside me, but it just comes back, and then you're this miserable person that's inflicting pain on others and that's not me.
                          
I wish I was this person who could ignore the shit in my life and focus on something other, but I can't. Every time I try to do it Ced's face comes to my mind, and it makes me feel like Ced would hate this version of me. It just ends up making me sadder than I already was and a few days ago I thought that wasn't possible.
                          
The thought of my favorite person hating me would snap me back to reality. So I'm trying, I'm trying to be less bitter. I'm trying to do better and Merlin it is hard.
                          
Most days, I'm fine. I could be doing something like studying or reading a book and I'll feel okay. But then someone would come up to me and ask me how I'm doing, and it would just bring me back to that night.
                          
That night when I thought my brother won and we could live happily.
                          
***
                          
Being back at the train station brings back so many memories. It's funny to think how one bad memory could ruin everything. Every good memory I made with Ced is not enough to outweigh the bad one.
                          
"Are you okay? " Meg questioned for the tenth time while hugging me.
                          
Of course, it's not like my brother just died 42 days ago.
                          
"Yeah, I'm okay," I whispered, hoping to hide the lie which she didn't catch. It's not like she could have done anything if she realized I was lying.
                          
When someone asks you how you're doing they don't want to know the truth. They just want you to tell alright or okay, so then the conversation could turn to them, and they can talk about something super random that happened to them that you don't give a fuck about.
                          
"How are you doing?" I questioned Meg because I didn't wanna talk about me, and she didn't want to either.
                          
"I'm good, I've been practicing..."
                          
It's not like I don't care about my friends and their stuff. I would gladly sit down with her and listen to anything she says, but I can't do that. At least, not now. I was busy searching for a raven-haired girl.
                          
It's ironic if you think about it. The last time I was here, she was a bitch to me and I told myself to avoid her and now I'm searching for her.
                          
"Hey," a voice boomed from behind me, making me jump.
                          
"Hey," I whispered, trying to sound alright.
                          
Please don't ask me how I'm doing.
                          
"I got your letter,"
                          
I know. I sent it, "I replied sarcastically. I really need to tone down this attitude, but people just let it slip nowadays. I might have a clue why, the reasons are very well-known to me.
                          
"What is that you wan-" 
                          
"y/n," Meg called from a distance.
                          
Ugh.
                          
"Meet me at our spot at 7?"
                          
She nodded her head lightly before following her friends and I did the same. I mean, before following my friend, singular. I don't think Wayne and Cho would consider themselves my friend now that the common bridge joining us has sunk in the water.
                          
Honestly, I don't care because Wayne is literally the shittiest person I've ever met, but I wouldn't mind having Cho on my side sporadically. 
                          
Cho is the only person besides me who knew Ced, so it'll be nice to have someone who knew him and didn't just pretend to be his friend because he was...Well, he was him. Who wouldn't want to be friends with him?
                          
***
                          
I prepared myself for Professor Dumbledore's speech the moment he stepped on that podium.
                          
"Today we acknowledge a really terrible loss. Cedric Diggory was as you all know, exceptionally hard-working, intricately fair-minded. And most importantly a fierce friend," his eyes met mine before he continued. "And a caring brother."
                          
I knew this was coming, and I've been preparing myself for this, but the moment somebody else mentioned Ced's name, the tears pooled in my eyes. I've cried a lot in the past few days and I thought that eventually, I'd run out of tears to cry. Well, that isn't happening anytime soon.
                          
"I think, therefore you have the right to know exactly how he died...." He went on about something that I was too distracted to listen to. My mind just kept going back to that night.
                          
"In light of recent events, the bonds of friendship we made this year will be more important than ever. Remember that and Cedric Diggory will not have died in vain, you remember that. And we'll celebrate a boy who was kind and honest and brave and true right to the very end."
                          
Meg placed her palm on my hand and gave me a reassuring smile. I tried to smile back, but couldn't and my eyes wandered towards the Slytherin table. Looking for a green pair of eyes that have made me cried, but also relieved me when I needed it the most.
                          
I was surprised to find her already looking at me, and she nodded lightly before diverting her attention back to Professor Dumbledore and the new professor dressed in pink standing beside him.
                          
"Additionally, we have Professor Umbridge, who has kindly agreed to fill the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts-"
                          
Professor Dumbledore is cut off when the lady in pink steps in. "Hem, hem, Headmaster if I could address the school?" she asked, trying to look polite, but it was obvious that wasn't a request.
                          
Dumbledore looked taken aback and Professor McGonagall stared at the intrusion.
                          
She told us about how she's from ministry and how things are going to change around here and I couldn't care less. I'm kind of glad that ministry is getting involved because if you know who is back for real I don't think a bunch of students would be able to defend themselves.
                          
Not everyone is as lucky as Harry Potter who gets saved every time. It's always someone else dying for him. First his parents and now Ced. What makes his life more important than his?
                          
A/N- I know that Dumbledore's speech about Cedric is at the end of the goblet of fire whereas Umbridge is at the beginning of Order of Phoenix. I decided to merge these both because I wanted the last year to end up with y/n and Pansy's kiss.
                          
I kinda wanted to be done with the plot and stuff so we could jump to y/n and Pansy in the next chapter.
With love,
Pri