Eighty-six

                                    

                                          
"How have you been since last?"
                          
I got comfortable on the sofa. I had taken off my shoes and pulled my feet up so I could fold my legs.
                          
"Well... a few things has happened." I said. "Marco overdosed at the end of March—"
                          
Doctor Prott sat up straight with a worried look.
                          
"Oh no... is he alright?"
                          
"Oh, yeah... yeah I guess so. He's um... he's in rehab again, this time for a month." I explained with a frown on my face. "I haven't actually been to visit him yet but he's only been there for about two weeks."
                          
She nodded.
                          
"Is that why you cancelled your last appointment with me?"
                          
"I don't know." I shrugged. "Maybe."
                          
"So is that what you want to talk about today?" She asked. "Marco?"
                          
I shook my head, fidgeting with the rings on my finger while I thought about the thing I actually wanted to talk about.
                          
"I gave my fiancé a blowjob on his birthday." I explained which caused Doctor Prott to raise her eyebrows. She probably hadn't expected me to tell her that.
                          
"Okay... were you ready for it?"
                          
I nodded.
                          
"I think I was." I told her. "He made sure I wasn't pushing myself and I don't think I was pushing myself, but I am kinda upset that I wasn't ready to have sex yet... so how do I get from this... to having sex? That's what I don't understand."
                          
"There is nothing to understand, Allie." She told me which made me sigh as I folded my arms over my chest. "Because you were ready to do one thing, doesn't mean you'll be ready for it all. It'll come to you eventually but you need to let yourself be. I feel like you're beating yourself up for not being able to give your fiancé sex."
                          
I brought a hand up to my face, biting down on my thumb as I thought about what she was saying.
                          
She was right.
                          
I was beating myself up for not being able to have sex with George yet. I learned that I could touch him and that would work fine for me but if he accidentally touches me too close to any of the areas where Cameron touched me, I'll freeze and my mind'll go blank.
                          
"You know I want to do?" She asked. "I'd like it if you brought him here for a session. You can act like he's not there at all, talk to me like you usually do and maybe you'll feel a relief at knowing that he now knows a little more about what you're struggling with."
                          
I made a face, scrunching up my nose.
                          
"You don't like that idea?"
                          
"I don't know." I groaned. "I just... it's been almost four months. Why am I still like this?"
                          
"It's not a race." She told me. "You can expect yourself to be okay again... to heal from sexual assault in less than four months. It takes a long time. You need to heal and some people never do, but I know you will. You're a strong girl and with time, you'll start to feel more like the person you were before — just stronger."
                          
After my session, I walked home. I was walking slowly, staring at the ground with my hands pushed into the pockets of my denim jacket.
                          
I was slightly kicking at the ground, thinking about the things doctor Prott told me. At the end, she told me to consider getting George to come with for our next session.
                          
I just don't know if that's a good idea.
                          
I already feel like a child, sitting on that sofa and discussing my issues. If George came along, it would feel like I was in trouble or something.
                          
Diagon Alley was busy today. It was mid-April so there wasn't any specific reason but it was busier than September 1st and that's one of the busiest days.
                          
When I reached the door to the shop, I paused. My eyes landed on George inside of the shop, talking to a costumer.
                          
He was smiling widely, being the big extrovert that he is. Chloe was at his side. I was happy that they had bonded.
                          
I sighed, feeling the burning sensation in my chest.
                          
Guilt.
                          
I didn't want to walk in there and bother George and bring his mood down because I'm not in a happy place today.
                          
Instead, I turned away from the shop and continued down towards the Leaky Cauldron.
                          
I left Diagon Alley, entered the Leaky Cauldron and headed straight for the bar where I sat down in front of William.
                          
When his eyes landed on me, he threw the towel over his shoulder and placed his palms against the bar, leaning on his hand.
                          
"Will—" I breathed. "...give me the strongest you have."
                          
"You can have a coke." He said, and I immediately looked up at him, frowning. "Don't look at me like that. Dad talked to us all after the wedding. If you keep drinking your emotions, you'll end up addicted."
                          
Seriously?
                          
"He talked to you all?" I asked. "What's that supposed to mean? Who did he talk to? He certainly didn't talk to me."
                          
"I don't know... I mean, I know he talked to George, and he talked to me and Marco when we got back from our honeymoon. I don't know who else — I don't think he talked to mum because she'd talk to you if she knew you had a problem."
                          
"I don't have a problem!" I explained. "I haven't gotten drunk since the after party at your wedding."
                          
William sighed, tilting his head while looking at me. He wasn't gonna give in — I knew that.
                          
"A coke is fine." I shrugged and he sent me a small smile while I flipped him off.
                          
I watched him get a glass, fill it with ice before he poured a can of coke into it, then placed the glass in front of me.
                          
"How was therapy?"
                          
"It sucked." I shrugged and drank some of the coke. "Can I have a straw?"
                          
He gave me a straw before looking at me again.
                          
"Why did it suck?"
                          
"Apparently I'm beating myself up about not being able to..." I narrowed my eyes at William. "...give George a certain... favour that normally... I mean—"
                          
"I know what you mean." William cut me off, nodding, and I cleared my throat before I continued.
                          
"Doctor Prott says I'm beating myself up about it."
                          
"Well, are you?"
                          
"I mean, I'm certainly not happy with myself." I rested my head in my palm as I brought the straw to my lips to drink some of the coke. "I just want it to be over."
                          
William looked at me but didn't say anything as I moved the straw around in the glass.
                          
"Do you think I could obliviate myself?" I asked, looking up at my brother. "Remove the memories?"
                          
"No." He said quickly. "That's— I think that's a horrible idea. You're not an obliviator and you can't fix your problems by deleting them. You have to work to get better and that's what you're doing. You'll be okay. It just takes time."
                          
I simply hummed and drank some more before looking at William again.
                          
"Maybe you should go see dad." He told me. "I spoke to him yesterday. He just divorced Rose."
                          
"What?" I sat up straight. "A divorce? Did he say why?"
                          
William nodded.
                          
"He did, but I think you should ask him for yourself."