44. Losing You (1)

                                    

                                          
A/N Change of plan. Originally there was only going to be this chapter and two more left. But planning this chapter I realised that it was going to end up extremely long and would take ages to complete. So I'm dividing it up into several smaller chapters. So you get more. :) 
Day 1
The storm raged on overhead. Apparently it was the worst one they had experienced in the past 20 years. Well, according to the manager of the hotel anyway. Joel just felt lost. He was trying to be there to comfort Sophie but whatever he did she just couldn't stop crying. 
Matt and Abby were looking after Laura who was understandably distraught by the loss of Antti. 
However, it was Seb that he was really concerned about. He had lost two of the most important people in his life. Last night he had just sobbed in the rain until Matt had arrived and helped Joel to get him inside. 
Since then he had just laid on the sofa, not moving, not eating. Hell, Joel didn't even remember seeing him blink. He just looked dead inside. Joel had tried talking to him. Matt had tried. He wouldn't answer. He was trapped in his own little world. A world where he didn't have to face up to the truth. 
Joel had needed to get out of the villa for a bit. He felt like screaming. Life was so unfair. Antti was one of the nicest guys you could hope to meet and he'd just started his relationship with Laura. And Lottie. She and Seb had finally found love with each other after so many years. Seb had just been building himself up and now Lottie had been torn from him. What would this do to him?  
Joel just walked and walked. He was drenched from the continuing rain but he didn't care. Anything was better than having to see the look in Seb's eyes.  The look of a man that had lost everything.
                                       ***
Sophie laid on her bed staring at the ceiling. She still couldn't believe that this had happened.  Two amazing people that she cared so much about had been snatched from them. Life wasn't fair.  
Also there were four other people still missing.  It hurt so much knowing that they were out there in the ocean somewhere, that they may never be found.  Joel had gone out.  He was trying to be strong for her, for Seb but she knew he needed to grieve too.  He had been up all night, flitting between her and Seb.   Seb, that poor man.  How must he be feeling?  Antti, one of his closest friends. Lottie, the love of his life.  She stood up and opened the bedroom door, heading down the stairs.  He was still laid there on the sofa. 
"Seb, you have to eat. Come on, let me make you something."  No response. "You will make yourself ill."
"You think I care? I just want to be with her Sophie.  I love her so fucking much.  How could she leave me?"
"Seb, there's loads of people that do care about you.  We care.  Your family.  I can't even pretend to know what you're going through right now. She didn't want to leave you. No-one could have known what was going to happen."  Seb sat up and put his head in his hands.  He started shaking, sobbing uncontrollably into his hands.
"It's my fault.  She wanted to stay with me.  I told her to go.  If she'd have stayed she would have still been alive.  I killed her Sophie."  Sophie sat besides him and put her arm around his shoulders.
"It's not your fault Seb.  There's no way you could have known.  It was just a tragic accident."  
"I need her Soph, I can't do this without her."  
"Seb, we are all here for you.  You are not alone.  Whatever you need, just ask."
"I just want her back Sophie. I just want her back."  
His sobs were heartbreaking. Sophie just didn't know what to say to him.
"Please, will you try and eat something, even if it's only a sandwich." He looked at her, his eyes all red and puffy. He nodded.  She smiled and headed back into the kitchen. She was just getting the butter and cheese out of the fridge when she heard the front door shut. That would be Joel coming back. She stuck her head through to the lounge to ask him if he wanted a sandwich but he wasn't there. Neither was Seb. He'd gone. 
"Shit!"cursed Sophie.
                                       ***
Joel sat on the dock staring out at the choppy waters. The rain had stopped but the wind was still high. It was getting dark now. Lottie and Antti had been missing for over 24 hours. He wasn't stupid, he knew there was next to no chance of them being found alive. And not much chance of their bodies being recovered either. 
He knew he'd have to go back to the villa soon but he was dreading it. He couldn't face Seb. Joel blamed himself. He should have made sure that Lottie was on the lifeboat before he crossed. Why had he been so selfish? It should have been him, not Lottie.  He stood up.  He would have to get this over with. He couldn't stay there all night. 
He was just passing the hotel when a man who he recognised from the boat  ran out trying to attract his attention.
"Mr,  your friend,  he in here. He drink too much. Come, come. " Joel frowned and followed the man inside. Seb was sitting at the bar, a glass of whiskey in front of him. Joel slid onto the stool next to him. 
"How much have you had?"
"Not enough."
"It's not the answer Seb."
"Tell me what is then Joel. Nothing can bring her back. So all I can do is drink to forget."  He knocked his drink back in one and signalled the bartender for another. "Make it two," he said. He slid one over to Joel.  Joel picked it up and drank half of it.
"Seb, I really don't know what to say. You must hate me."  Seb looked at him. 
"Why would I hate you Joel?"
"Because I didn't bring her back to you safe. I should have made sure she was safe before boarding the lifeboat."  Seb shook his head.
"If anyone's to blame it's me. I should have let her stay with me like she wanted. I killed her Joel. Me. Not you.  I killed the woman I love. " He knocked back his drink.
"Another," he barked at the bartender. 
"I think you've had enough Sir," the bartender replied. 
"Not nearly enough."  Joel put his hand on Seb's shoulder. 
"Seb, let's go back to the villa. There's drink there." Seb paused, thinking. Then he nodded and got up from his stool.  His legs nearly went under him, a combination of alcohol, lack of food and grief. Joel caught hold of him. 
"Come on mate. Let's get you home."  With Joel propping Seb up they staggered out of the hotel and up the lane towards the villa. 
"I feel bad Joel. I've hardly given a thought to Antti. He meant a lot to me but losing her....I've lost a part of me," he slurred. " I really don't know how I can do this without her."
"Seb, I don't know mate. But what I do know is Lottie wouldn't want you punishing yourself. It really isn't your fault. All you wanted was for her to have fun. There is no way you could have known what would happen."
"Do you think there's still a chance?" Seb asked him, coming to a halt. "A chance that they made it to land?"  Joel looked at him.
"Who knows? I guess there's always a chance." He felt bad about lying to Seb but he knew deep down there was next to no chance they had made it. But he just couldn't bear to shatter the poor guy's heart anymore. Fate had done that enough.